Sugar, Your Blood Sugar’s Going Down

Guys let me tell you a little about myself, I have 3 cats and Diabetes. Whenever I tell anyone that they always say You have three cats? Wow that’s brutal. I have Type 1 Diabetes. There is also a Type 2 diabetes. Lot of people ask me well whats the difference? And I say go fuck yourself. How about that? There is a big difference. Type 1 Diabetes is like Professional Football. Type 2 Diabetes is like Fantasy Football, you think you’re on a team but you’re not. Because your disease is not real. You created it, just like your Deez Nutz In Yo Mouth fantasy team.
You see you get Type 2 Diabetes by eating reckless and smoking Swisher Sweets. Type 1 diabetes you do not get, it is given to you, because it is genetic. It is passed down from your grandparents because it skips a generation. I think it was done this way so your parents don’t feel the guilt at breakfast everyday while they eat donuts and your left to munch on a half banana and melba toast. Don’t look at me that way, son, Grandpa did this. Now pass me another Chocolate Glazed Munchkin.
That’s why the Type 1’s Diabetics hate the type 2s. We have no sympathy for them. You did this to yourself! People tell me stories all the time when I say I have Diabetes. Oh my Mom has that, she lost her foot from Diabetes. Oh, type 1 or type 2? Type 2. Well fuck her then. Lazy bitch. Diabetes didn’t take her foot. Popeyes did. Pizza Hut did. A Meat Lovers Supreme ran off with yo Momma’s foot.

The worst part about it all, is there are way more Type 2 Diabetics out there so they get all the attention. Type 1’s never get the respect we so sadly need and deserve. Everyone just cares about them – it’s not fair. Like can you imagine if there were two different types of Aids out there that you had to compete with?

You got Aids! Sorry to hear that. You got the Type 1 Aids or the Type 2 Aids? The good Aids or the bad Aids? The one you can get rid of? Think Magic Johnson had the good Aids, the Type 2. He is the only person ever to gain weight after getting Aids. He put on 30 pounds, opened 20 movie theaters, got rosy cheeks. Momma is that Aids? That can’t be right. Looks like he got a promotion at work not Aids. “No honey its type 2 Aids.” Oh type 2 Aids I see. The good one. The good Aids. His wife Cookie is one lucky woman.

Swisher Sweets – After drinking jungle juice out of a dirty bathtub at a stranger’s house party, finish your self off with this gas station dinner mint.

Melba Toast – If this is toast then why did my tooth fall out when I tried to bite into it.

Chocolate Glazed MunchkinsCan I just like, have a bite of a donut, like I don’t want a whole donut, but like a bite, I’m on a diet.  Oh, Munchkins!  Perfect!  I will take 27 of those.  Also, I’m pretty sure this is a slight against little people.

Meat Lovers SupremeI’m more animal than man.  I like to climb mountains, fight bears with my bare hands, wash my clothes in a river, sleep under the moonlight with only nearby leaves as a blanket.  Now, tell me Pizza Hut, what can I eat that will satisfy my deep hunger and obvious homelessness.  And can I pay you in ants?

Magic Johnson – Boy, oh boy did he have moves on the court!  And man, oh man did he have moves in the bedroom.  And jeez, oh jeez did he have moves in his immune system.

Good Will Hunting (Final Review)

I just watched Good Will Hunting over the Thanksgiving weekend and wow! You seen that movie? What a doozie! He’s like a math wizard janitor guy. It’s a classic, you people should go out and see it sometime. Also go check out Star Wars! That turned out to be pretty good too. But some of that movie doesn’t make since to me. Like the famous speech that Ben Affleck says to Matt Damon
You know what the best part of my day is? About 10 seconds before I pull up to your curb, and when I go to your door. Cause I think maybe I’ll get up there, and I’ll knock on the door, and you won’t be there. No “good-bye.” No “see ya later.” No nothing. You just left. I don’t know much, but I know that.
Wait what the fuck are you talking about? Really, I can barely understand your words. I think you need a speech coach. You are saying that the best part of your day is swinging by your best friends house to hang out and he is not there? Thats your best friend bro! You wish he has left you? You are a dead beat doing nothing with your life and all you have are the good times with your Matt Damon bud. What are you talking about? Hope he has left town…well then he should take you with him. Thats what a good friend would do. He would be the ultimate dick if he never said goodbye or left a post it bye bye note. Maybe he’s not your best friend after all Mr. Damon, you need to think over this fella.

Actually that whole crew is a bunch of assholes. Beating up kids in the school yard, interrupting a nice ponytail man while he is trying to hit on a girl at a bar. And that wasn’t enough because you follow him to Baskin Robbins and knock on the window while he is crying in his Butter Pecan Sundae and say ya got the girl’s number. What a bunch of dicks! And Ben Affleck’s brother is jerking off in a catcher’s mitt. What is going on here?!?!? These are the people we are supposed to be rooting for? They are a bunch of out of control hooligans?

And so what, this Matt Damon is good at Math, Whoopie doo dah! That’s like me saying I’m really good at Jenga. That aint getting you nothing or impressing anyone. Math is boring. I hate it and suck at it. Why is it so hard! And why did I even have to take algebra in high school? It doesn’t make sense. Who decided this was a mandatory class? Listen I barely passed basic math, adding and subtracting, now we are gonna start throwing letters in there with little numbers hanging off them? What the fuck is that? Algebra looks like the future and it still scares me. Oh you will use algebra later in life they say. No I won’t, because I havent. And even when I have to do math now I can pull out my phone and have him do it. So you are wrong…every high school ever. My girlfriend doesn’t even know how to add a tip to the total at a restaurant and she is a high school teacher folks. She sits there dumbfounded and doesn’t know how to carry the one over. And I am the one with no job.

Chili VaNilli

It’s fall season now and getting cold so everyone wants comfort food. They want that warm stick to your ribs grub. Like chili is real big now. Every year it swoops in and fills up hillbillies’ hearts and bellies. People are really weird about their chili too. Like everyone seems to have their own secret recipe, think their chili recipe is the best. Come on over here and taste this chili. Come on now! No one is leaving until they taste this here chili! You like that? That good chili?  I don’t care I got to get home to my child. You see the secret is I use a little Cream of Tartar in there. Just a pinch. And right at the end there I hit it with some Papa Dash! Pow! Give’s it the punch you need to make it delicious! Can you let go of my arm please you are hurting me.
Every season there are big chili cook-offs. Thousands of people show up in deserted strip malls everywhere to find out who is the new Chili Hero. Each competitor arrives in their supped up RV and pulls out their ladel to see whose the biggest – it’s a tense environment. Then the judges sit down in lawn chairs, dip their sporks in styrofoam bowls and listen to their taste buds tell them a story of the new Stove Top Chef. I don’t know why chili is best served in a styrofoam bowl either. Must be the carcinogens released from the squeaky bowl that brings out that rich tomato chunk flavor that keeps these tailgating idiots coming back for more.
I don’t get it folks. We are talking about tomatoes and ground chuck right? This isn’t some fancy gourmet dish. This is a meal that goes best with Ritz Crackers. It’s a side step to the Sloppy Joe. And this is what folks love and are competing for? If it is treated with such prestige then why am I putting it on my hot dog at the ball game?
Maybe I’m just angry because I hate chili. My mom used to make it for me as a child. She would start out by putting 27 cans of beans in a stove pot. Then stir it for half hour and add 33 more cans. Then I think she added NyQuil, because everyone passed out for couple hours after. I always thought it was disgusting; So heavy and thick. I could smell it as soon as I got home from school and instantly my stomach grumbled no please god no, not Mom’s chili again! I would sit at the dinner table moving it around with my spork trying to make it look like I ate it. Mom would make me stay there until I finished it all, so 3 hours later I would still be there while everyone was getting in their jammy jams. Those were some dark years folks. I spent half my childhood sitting at the dinner table while the kids played outside in the park enjoying their life. So sad.
Okay now so let’s take a good hard look at chili and break down its molecules. It normally consists of meat, bean, tomatoes, corn, and onions. Then you add just enough chili powder to give everyone chest pain. Hmmm, so you want my insides to fall to the outside my body right? Because this is going to destroy my digestive system – just wreck havoc on my belly. And why in this day is anybody eating this? Am I about to climb a mountain and fight a bear with my bare hands? Skin a buffalo and make a tent out of his skin? No, I’m going home to binge watch “Tiny House Big Living” and pet my cats. Then fall asleep sitting up with my mouth open. So, I don’t need the protein and calories of a Wilderman okay? And neither should you. Chili isn’t for this generation, or the last 4.

Hey, listen my bowel movements already look like chili. I don’t need to be putting this through my feeding hole. Eating chili with Crohn’s disease would be a terrible idea. My stomach would turn it into a hot black tar – just boiling hot tar. I could squat and pave my neighbor’s driveway after eating a bowl of chili. Save a lot of money having to go down to Menards. Just give Ry some chili and he will smooth out your gravel so you can put up a new basketball hoop for Johnny.

Cream of Tartar – What the hell is this? Cream of Tartar? It sounds dirty.  I don’t even like not cream of Tartar. Just the regular Tartar stuff. Not on my Catfish or stuck to my teeth enamel.

Papa Dash – Named after my real daddy, who left me when I was 4 months old.

Chili Hero – New Xbox game. Hit the A button to add some paprika. O button to throw in some garlic. X button to tell a racist joke. Now your chili is ready to go!

Tailgating – Big day tomorrow. Got to get up at 8 am for a football game that starts at 3 pm. So I need to load the RV and runs over to the stadium parking lot right now! Then once I am there I need to shove equal amounts of beer and food slop into my XXL jersey until I am blackout full and drunk to the point that I don’t even remember what happened in so said game.

Ritz Crackers – Cracker for the upper class. Comes in a beige sleeve that says hey we are also sexy! The cracker’s smooth surface is met with a ridged waist line that says I’m a big tease but I will put out. Spread some Skippy Peanut Butter on top of that thang and reach the heavens of deliciousness. Also good with cheese whiz.

Sloppy Joe – Before Sloppy Seconds there was a Sloppy Joe. He was just as dirty and didn’t give a fuck if some of him fell out of the bun and ruined your khakis.

NyQuil – I like mine on the rocks with a splash of Cola. Heard someone say it can be used as a cough syrup too. Whatever

Wilderman – Just a homeless person who prefers the forest preserves to the hustle and bustle of the city street livings.

Menards – Hey where can I get a weed wacker and a giant container of cheese balls that I will never be able to finish?