House of CLANdrews


Let me just go out on a limb and say that my family is not going to leave any footprint in this world. I think we all know it and accept it. First off you have to get off the couch to leave a footprint. No one in my family is making moves…or money. Let’s start with me first. I have Diabetes, Crohn’s Disease, and don’t leave the house unless there is a fire. My sister has worked at a Puppy Shop for last 12 years selling Peanut Butter Cookies to Cocker Spaniels. My brother is 44 and still lives at home with my mother. And my mother just was denied a job at Aldi.  Thats my family folks.  This is Us. We should of been the hit NBC show portrayed.  Sounds binge worthy.
I was just in Scotland recently and my Aunt said to look up our heritage and family history. I said yeah lets look up the Andrews Clan historic rise! Are you kidding me? What would our crest look like? A man slipping on a banana peel?  A food stamp? Our family probably invented the food stamp. Where can we get some free shit? How are we supposed to pay for things if we sleep all day?
Our clan would not have lasted on Game of Thrones, I will tell ya that right now. We would not be competing for any Thrones. More like bones…to knaw on. A pigeon carcass to fight over with the buzzards. Or a piece of stale bread that rolled out of a wagon. Our jobs would be throwing the pee buckets out in the streets for the other families. Hey whose bucket is full? Pissers full? Give them to the Andrews family. Or throw it at them. Who cares.
My family wouldn’t be going to battle with anyone. If an enemy came into town we would be going…to hide under a carriage. Shhhh, be quiet and keep the pee buckets still. Still I say! The Andrews Clan would not win any war because we couldn’t afford the proper equipment. Our armor would be pleather and have irregular sleeves and buttons. We would have the only battle armor with loose buttons down the front. Our swords would come from Kmart and made of plastic. Be from the Sorta-ords Collection. Have no horses, just a broom stick with a horsey head at the front. We are galloping ourselves around in circles, making our own horse noises – Hee heee!!!!! Hee Heeee!!!! Ease up boy! Getting a-head of yourself there Hoofy! Settle down now!
There would be no House of Andrews. It would be Cardboard Box of Andrews. And even our cardboard box would be in foreclosure. “Sorry we got to take that from you now. Fifth Third Bank needs it back. We have to give it to this new family now, called Clan of Squatters.  Seem like nice folk.”  But my stick pillow is in there. Can I have it back?
No Mother of Dragons would be taking us out. Just mothers, with brooms, swatting us away from their produce along with the chickens. “Go on get ya damn Andrewsers! And empty my that there pee bucket!”

Cocker Spaniels – What the fuck are you?  You look like a trashy girl that just stepped out of the shower.  Your body looks like a bag of dry ramen noodles.  And you always look like you want to end your own life


This Is Us – Oh you haven’t seen it?  Gotta see it.  Don’t want to ruin anything for ya.  No spoilers.  Actually they spoil it all in the first episode so never mind

Food Stamp – The gold medal of the poor.

BuzzardsAre you dead yet?  Okay I will come back later and rip your insides to shreds. By the way how’s the family?  Kids good?  

Dunkin HoNuts


I have enjoyed drinking coffee at Dunkin Donuts for the last 20 years.  I still think for just pure coffee sake, it is the best you can get.  But, I will also say that my experience inside Dunkin Donuts has been some of the worst in my life.  You see Dunkin Donuts slogan is “America Runs On Dunkin.”  That’s probably because if you ever sit down inside a Dunkin Donuts you will want to run…for your life.

No matter what Dunkin Donuts I have gone in, the people inside are insane.  There is always one old man sitting by the window talking to himself, a couple of high schools dropouts looking like they are selling drugs, and a homeless man sleeping in his own drool.  Just the other day while I was writing at DD, a man came in with a little shopping cart, sat down and started eating Chips Ahoy cookies.  WTF?  Then he got up, tapped me on the shoulder and offered me one.  As if, perhaps he was being rude by eating food brought from home in front of me.  Thanks person I never met before, but no thanks.  My mom always taught me to never take candy from strangers, especially from strangers who store loose cookies in tiny shopping carts.  But maybe I’m just an asshole…and a diabetic, so get out of here.

All the employees working at Dunkin are out of their minds too. They are real hood.  And don’t care who knows it.  They all have on their head walkie talkies for the drive-thru and in between taking orders they are yelling about their fucked up lives.  Below is a real transcript taken from a Dunkin Donuts in the heart of Chicago…

Well, Bobby didn’t come home last night until 11:30.  And I know he gets off his UPS shift at 10.  He showed up with alcohol on his breath, smelling like Curves cologne.  He only wears that Curves when he with some ho!

Huh? who dis screaming in my ear, hold up a second?!!?!?  Three cream and no’s sugar? Ok I will mess that up fo sure!  You want an Omwich with that? It’s like a breakfast sandwich but we don’t know how to make it or what dat is.

And so Bobby keep sayin the baby isn’t his. Well who’s baby is it then? You the only one I be fucking!  I told him to get condoms but he spent his money on that new Xbox game instead. He better be here when the baby comes or I will rip his dick off and stuff it in his…

Why hello, would you like our new Fa la la latte?  It’s made with hot Dean’s milk that has been sitting on top of our toaster oven all day so its nice n’ foamy and filled with bacteria.  Or maybe you’d like a hash brown that is more of a hash gray?  Okay please drive round.

Speaking of bacteria, my pink eye has gotten way worse Brenda. I can barely see the smoke outta my Parliaments. I tried to get into the minute clinic but dats some bullshit cause its sure don’t take no minute I had to wait…

Wait, wait a damn minute!  What you say?!??!  Oh I was still on speaker sorry, so thats a large Dunkachino, 6 munchkins and a boston creams.

Brenda get your ass over here and make dis order!  I got to go feed Darryl in the car and put him to sleep.  Brenda!  Brenda!

Curves – cologne for the community college dropout in you

Omwich – more like Ommm which end of my body is this gonna explode out of me in the next 20 minutes

Dean’s Milk – goes great with Velveeta Shells n’ Cheese and a hot date

Parliaments – the cigarette with the recessed filter that stays tucked in the side of your mouth as you cradle your baby and finish eating your Star Crunch.

Dunkachino – Dick Vitale’s drink of choice – It’s awesome baby.  A slam bam hunker dam  Dunkarino!  Woah baby, a slam wham jam to my tastebuds!  How have I not had a heart attack already baby!

Munchkins – so this is an okay word to say still.  Hmmm seems like it shouldn’t be but okay.  Maybe midgetkins would be more polite.

Protest Your Best March


I saw the Women’s March over the weekend. And you know what, well done. Everything has changed now. Everyone has listened to your shouts, read your signs, and seen how you shut down the city of Chicago. Now women have equal pay, respect, and are presidents of large corporations. Wait, none of that happened. Everything is the same. Of course it is! Protests and marches never do anything. Nothing ever changes! The only thing that has a chance of happening is someone getting hurt. That is the only thing, and it almost always happens. Nothing came out of the Black Lives Matter march either. Shit is still the same. It’s a waste of time and energy.  The only way to get your demands met is by kidnapping or taking hostages. That’s when people straighten up and give in to what you want. You have to let them know you mean business and you ain’t messing around.  So next time you want to protest or make a difference, grab a little boy with blue eyes and toss him in the trunk of your Buick Regal and start making some requests! People will listen and have more compassion, especially if it’s an adorable kid.  I suggest an asian boy. They are usually pretty cute and have great hair.  Then you just sit back and wait as people one by one give in to what ever you want.   You will be surprised at how effective it is.  Not that I have ever done that…

Now for the Women’s March, here is what you do.  On your Women’s March lunch break, go to Five guys, Papa John’s, Jersey Mikes, Al’s Beef, or Uncle Julio’s (all men named restaurants, bastards!) and grab a manager. By the way isn’t it sexist that the first part of the word is man? MAN-AGER. Ain’t that some shit! So grab that man-ager and duct tape him up to a chair, stick a scrunchie in his mouth and start demanding some shit! I want a thermos fulll of Goldschlager, a football helmet stuffed with hot cheetos, an autographed copy of Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl, and a woman-ager in every Jimmy John’s in the country! This restaurant is so sexist that it has two men in their title!   What you couldn’t have a Jimmy Jane’s?  And as if that wasn’t enough, you got a sandwich called “Turkey Tom”. WOW. I don’t see no “Ham on Rye Julie” or a “Beach Club Betty” on the menu! No! Apparently there is no room for women between two slices of bread! So until our demands are met, Red visor Jeff stays strapped to the chair, crying for his mommy. Isn’t it weird they always cry for their momma when they got nothing left? Never daddy.  Always mommy! Think about it!
So let’s recap. Marchers, stop wasting your time going down to Michaels (Goddammit, another man named store) getting post-boards and magic markers. Stop trying to think of clever words, rhymes, or glitter to put on your signs and start kidnapping and taking hostages to get your movement going! Just remember it was me, Ryan Andrews that gave you this great idea. And remember I am a man and thought of this first, because men are smarter than women. Now go on get!!!!!!!

*all ideas and opinions expressed in this blog are complete nonsense and should not be taken seriously.  Ryan has two chronic diseases and talks out loud to his cats.  He is mentally unstable and still thinks Ryan Cabrera’s “On the Way Down” is the greatest song ever made.  This blog is proof that not everyone should have a say.  

Duct Tape –  Is there anything this tape can’t fix?  Oh right, my two autoimmune diseases.  But maybe we just haven’t tried it????  I’m just saying…

Scrunchie – what I loved more than the classy look, was that girls never washed them.       Re-marketed today as the Nuva Ring

Goldschlager – a sweet cinnamon schnapps created in Switzerland.  And I thought we were the only ones that hid our money over there.  Best served in a Red Solo Cup

Gone Girl – a novel that paved the way for every mystery book to have the word girl in it.  Its a modern day classic.  Right up there with the Great Gatsby and Breakfast at Tiffanys.  I sleep with a copy under my pillow at night.

Jimmy John’s – subs so fast…that they don’t taste good.  And can I please not have my sandwich delivered in a Jansport backpack by a teenager on a Huffy?