Sally No Beauty Supply

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Sally Beauty Supply is a nice place you guys.  If you find yourself looking for one, they are always at the end of the sad strip mall between Dollar Tree and Dress Barn. I think the beauty part in the name is a little bit presumptuous, because I have never seen any beauties in there. No sir. Lot of droop eyes, cleft chins, and foopa loopas – but no beauties that’s for sure. Sally’s is the kind of place you go when you can’t afford the CVS makeup. That face glitter little too pricey? Take it on down to Sally’s! Just don’t be surprised if the glitter leaves you with a sprinkle of Eczema.

My girlfriend went into Sally one time to get hair extensions because she is going bald and I have to say, these extensions didn’t look like any human hair I’ve seen. I think they just spray painted some possum hair yellow and stuck a chip clip at the end of it. She brought the extensions with us on vacation in Lake Geneva last year. She was walking around downtown looking at the boutiques with dead hair coming out all different sides of her head. Hair parted in the middle, on the side, underneath. She looked like an extra from a Mad Max movie. Look at that sexy mental patient trying on tie dye sea shell blouses.  So cute!  Then later on that night she washed her hair extensions in the sink and hung them on a hotel towel rack to dry. I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and almost had a heart attack when I saw the reflection of them in the mirror.  I screamed and peed all over the toilet seat. Thought a dirty hobo snuck into our hotel room. The next day she decided to throw them in the trash…along with our good time.

By the way the name of this store is Sally?  What?  Sally was a name we used growing up to call a sissy. A dork sissy boy was a Sally. Hey look at that Sally in the jean shorts pulled up past his bellybutton eating fish sticks. What a Sally! Hey Sally how are those fish sticks!!! They good with that tartar sauce there Sally?  We got him good guys!

I will admit I went in to a Sally Beauty Supply one time when I was 20 years and bought some LA Looks hair gel. It was $3.99 for a gallon of it. Thats the only way they sold it – by the gallon. Like gasoline. It came with a ladel attached and you scooped a goop out and slapped it on your noggin. Then you strutted around all day in your Starter Jacket looking like you got licked by a camel. That LA Looks gel never worked. Think that’s  because it’s half water half motor oil. Leaves that nice shine on your head that makes all the ladies go Uhhhhh no thanks. You look like a Sous chef at Olive Garden. LA Looks is a tad bit much with the name don’t ya think? It’s more like Minnesota or Indiana Looks. That’s the looks you’re getting. There is no LA Looks coming out no matter how deep you dive into that tub of goo. But I will say LA Looks is trying.  They now have different styles of gels to choose from so you are not locked down to just looking like a pedifile. They have LA Looks Spikes, LA Looks Curls, and LA Looks Welfare. The welfare one is pretty good. The bottle comes empty and you just pretend to put gel in your hair. Goes great with your lady’s possum extensions.

Lake Geneva – Chicago vacation spot for the people who can’t afford Door County or Wisconsin Dells

Hobo – Jolly fun word for a person’s life who has drifted down the gutter.  Where ironically is the same place where you drink your water

Fish Sticks –  Tuesday Night.  Pouring rain outside.  Kids crying.  Bills piling up.  Husband won’t talk to you.  It’s time for Gorton’s Fish Sticks.  And now everything is bliss

Starter Jacket – the starter to you not having a girlfriend

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House of CLANdrews

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Let me just go out on a limb and say that my family is not going to leave any footprint in this world. I think we all know it and accept it. First off you have to get off the couch to leave a footprint. No one in my family is making moves…or money. Let’s start with me first. I have Diabetes, Crohn’s Disease, and don’t leave the house unless there is a fire. My sister has worked at a Puppy Shop for last 12 years selling Peanut Butter Cookies to Cocker Spaniels. My brother is 44 and still lives at home with my mother. And my mother just was denied a job at Aldi.  Thats my family folks.  This is Us. We should of been the hit NBC show portrayed.  Sounds binge worthy.
I was just in Scotland recently and my Aunt said to look up our heritage and family history. I said yeah lets look up the Andrews Clan historic rise! Are you kidding me? What would our crest look like? A man slipping on a banana peel?  A food stamp? Our family probably invented the food stamp. Where can we get some free shit? How are we supposed to pay for things if we sleep all day?
Our clan would not have lasted on Game of Thrones, I will tell ya that right now. We would not be competing for any Thrones. More like bones…to knaw on. A pigeon carcass to fight over with the buzzards. Or a piece of stale bread that rolled out of a wagon. Our jobs would be throwing the pee buckets out in the streets for the other families. Hey whose bucket is full? Pissers full? Give them to the Andrews family. Or throw it at them. Who cares.
My family wouldn’t be going to battle with anyone. If an enemy came into town we would be going…to hide under a carriage. Shhhh, be quiet and keep the pee buckets still. Still I say! The Andrews Clan would not win any war because we couldn’t afford the proper equipment. Our armor would be pleather and have irregular sleeves and buttons. We would have the only battle armor with loose buttons down the front. Our swords would come from Kmart and made of plastic. Be from the Sorta-ords Collection. Have no horses, just a broom stick with a horsey head at the front. We are galloping ourselves around in circles, making our own horse noises – Hee heee!!!!! Hee Heeee!!!! Ease up boy! Getting a-head of yourself there Hoofy! Settle down now!
There would be no House of Andrews. It would be Cardboard Box of Andrews. And even our cardboard box would be in foreclosure. “Sorry we got to take that from you now. Fifth Third Bank needs it back. We have to give it to this new family now, called Clan of Squatters.  Seem like nice folk.”  But my stick pillow is in there. Can I have it back?
No Mother of Dragons would be taking us out. Just mothers, with brooms, swatting us away from their produce along with the chickens. “Go on get ya damn Andrewsers! And empty my that there pee bucket!”

Cocker Spaniels – What the fuck are you?  You look like a trashy girl that just stepped out of the shower.  Your body looks like a bag of dry ramen noodles.  And you always look like you want to end your own life

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This Is Us – Oh you haven’t seen it?  Gotta see it.  Don’t want to ruin anything for ya.  No spoilers.  Actually they spoil it all in the first episode so never mind

Food Stamp – The gold medal of the poor.

BuzzardsAre you dead yet?  Okay I will come back later and rip your insides to shreds. By the way how’s the family?  Kids good?  

Dunkin HoNuts

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I have enjoyed drinking coffee at Dunkin Donuts for the last 20 years.  I still think for just pure coffee sake, it is the best you can get.  But, I will also say that my experience inside Dunkin Donuts has been some of the worst in my life.  You see Dunkin Donuts slogan is “America Runs On Dunkin.”  That’s probably because if you ever sit down inside a Dunkin Donuts you will want to run…for your life.

No matter what Dunkin Donuts I have gone in, the people inside are insane.  There is always one old man sitting by the window talking to himself, a couple of high schools dropouts looking like they are selling drugs, and a homeless man sleeping in his own drool.  Just the other day while I was writing at DD, a man came in with a little shopping cart, sat down and started eating Chips Ahoy cookies.  WTF?  Then he got up, tapped me on the shoulder and offered me one.  As if, perhaps he was being rude by eating food brought from home in front of me.  Thanks person I never met before, but no thanks.  My mom always taught me to never take candy from strangers, especially from strangers who store loose cookies in tiny shopping carts.  But maybe I’m just an asshole…and a diabetic, so get out of here.

All the employees working at Dunkin are out of their minds too. They are real hood.  And don’t care who knows it.  They all have on their head walkie talkies for the drive-thru and in between taking orders they are yelling about their fucked up lives.  Below is a real transcript taken from a Dunkin Donuts in the heart of Chicago…

Well, Bobby didn’t come home last night until 11:30.  And I know he gets off his UPS shift at 10.  He showed up with alcohol on his breath, smelling like Curves cologne.  He only wears that Curves when he with some ho!

Huh? who dis screaming in my ear, hold up a second?!!?!?  Three cream and no’s sugar? Ok I will mess that up fo sure!  You want an Omwich with that? It’s like a breakfast sandwich but we don’t know how to make it or what dat is.

And so Bobby keep sayin the baby isn’t his. Well who’s baby is it then? You the only one I be fucking!  I told him to get condoms but he spent his money on that new Xbox game instead. He better be here when the baby comes or I will rip his dick off and stuff it in his…

Why hello, would you like our new Fa la la latte?  It’s made with hot Dean’s milk that has been sitting on top of our toaster oven all day so its nice n’ foamy and filled with bacteria.  Or maybe you’d like a hash brown that is more of a hash gray?  Okay please drive round.

Speaking of bacteria, my pink eye has gotten way worse Brenda. I can barely see the smoke outta my Parliaments. I tried to get into the minute clinic but dats some bullshit cause its sure don’t take no minute I had to wait…

Wait, wait a damn minute!  What you say?!??!  Oh I was still on speaker sorry, so thats a large Dunkachino, 6 munchkins and a boston creams.

Brenda get your ass over here and make dis order!  I got to go feed Darryl in the car and put him to sleep.  Brenda!  Brenda!

Curves – cologne for the community college dropout in you

Omwich – more like Ommm which end of my body is this gonna explode out of me in the next 20 minutes

Dean’s Milk – goes great with Velveeta Shells n’ Cheese and a hot date

Parliaments – the cigarette with the recessed filter that stays tucked in the side of your mouth as you cradle your baby and finish eating your Star Crunch.

Dunkachino – Dick Vitale’s drink of choice – It’s awesome baby.  A slam bam hunker dam  Dunkarino!  Woah baby, a slam wham jam to my tastebuds!  How have I not had a heart attack already baby!

Munchkins – so this is an okay word to say still.  Hmmm seems like it shouldn’t be but okay.  Maybe midgetkins would be more polite.