I remember taking a class called cursive when I was in grade school. Anybody else have to take cursive? Yeah they stopped teaching it in schools now. Why? Probably cause it’s a font. Cursive is a font. They were teaching us a font? Huh? Who knows one wrong move and I could have been learning Gill Sans Ultra Bold in 4th grade. Cursive Sounds like a filler class. Why is there a filler class in 4th grade? I’m not supposed to have those till I’m in my high school pothead years. Cursive was such a waste of time. I want an apology letter from my Phillipe Shores grade school saying “Sorry we screwed up! We dropped the ball on your education. This is why you are so messed up now.

You ever write something in cursive and give it to someone? They look at you like you are crazy. Is someone in trouble? Need to get help? Can I get a decoder ring to decipher this jibberish? Cursive writing doesn’t even look cool. It just looks lazy. Swooping letters together till it makes a weird word doodle. The worst part was the capital case letters looked completely different from the lower case letters. Never understood that. “So the lower case g looks like a regular g except you swoop up the bottom and lead it into the next letter.” Oh okay, well what does the capital g look like. “A tugboat.” A 1930s cartoon tugboat.” Well that makes sense. The man who invented cursive was Albus Fontony way back in 14 AD. While people were busy becoming gods and kings, Albus was hard at work making words look dainty. “Hey Caesar look what Albus did. He made all our words look like they are having intercourse. What a loon that Albus! He needs a wench in the hay like 13AD ago.” Little did anyone know that Albus was just the sloppy town drunk. His letters ran together cause he was too wasted off Southern Comfort to lift his feather off the page. But just like with anything, someone mistook drunk and crazy for genius and ran with his idea. Then through time other drunks began flirting with their words and changing the style of letters. This idea became known as the “Fontony” way of writing and was later shortened to “Font” to make it sound less Italian. And now to this day you can see Font’s great work put to use on crappy band flyers in coffee shops. Well done Albus. Well done.


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