I thought my cat was dead last night. I was watching Con Air on my futon I purchased from Big Lots when I looked over at my cat sitting next me. He was turned over laying on his back with his paws straight in the air and his mouth wide open looking like “The exorcism of Emily Rose.” I poked him a couple times in the chest and he didnt respond. I thought oh shit my cat is dead. He is dead. Now, I wasn’t so much sad as I was mad. Like why do you have to die now. Its 2:30 in the morning and Im tired and I just want to finish watching Nicholas Cage blow up some stuff in a tank top. Couldn’t you of waited till tomorrow round noon when I already had my coffee and watched my 5th Sportscenter in a row? I think I would be fresh enough to deal with a dead cat situation by that time. Plus I dont know what to do if this happens. I have never had a cat die. Not sure what goes next. Like is there a proper precedure to follow? Is there a quick drop at the animal hospital like they had at blockbuster, where i can just put him into a Target bag and toss him in with a post-it that says “dead cat.” Or is the dumpster behind my apartment okay? I’m pretty sure dead guys are tossed in there all the time, its Chicago, so why not a dead cat. No that can’t right. Maybe there is a guy who you call. Like a shady guy who takes care of your dead domestic pets who has a cool name like “The “Extinguisher.” He shows up in a leather jacket and dark sunglasses eating a tube of salami and stuffs your cat in a Jansport backpack, gives you a wink, and off he goes in his Geo Tracker. No, no there has to be a standard procedure that you have to follow. There is a procedure to everything these days. You can’t just do something the way you want anymore. You got to follow a set of rules or guidelines. Even ordering a sandwich at Subway. You can’t just say I want ham. They are like “Sir you order over there, this is the bathroom.” Then you have to tell them in the correct order what bread you want, what cheese, want toasted? Then and only then, can you safely move on to the condiments. “Can we get this over with please? I should be eating ham by now.” Try ordering out of this detailed procedure and you will see the sandwich artist’s brain explode. “He told me what cheese he wanted before which bread. What’s happening? Don’t feel well, I need to sit down.” That’s not his fault though because Subway goes by a procedure. Where the hell was I. All this talk of sandwiches and salami can really work ya up an appetite. Oh right, dead cat. So basically what I’m getting at is if there’s a procedure even for grey processed deli meats then you better believe there will be one for a dead cat.
All of these thoughts go on in my head for ten minutes until finally I decide I’m just gonna pretend it didnt happen. I didnt see it. He’s fine. Just had a long day. Little tuckered out from napping all day. I’ll sleep on it and figure it out in the morning. Just gonna put a newspaper over him and go back to watching long haired Nicholas Cage. Just when I am about to put the business section over his cute little dead face he wakes up startled and looks at me. And he looks at me like he knows. “You were just going to put that newspaper over my face like I’m dead werent ya? Hope I’d just disappear when you lift up the paper in the morning!” Then he started licking his claws. “Well just wait till you fall asleep tonight bro. Should of gotten me declawed when you had the chance.” Too bad you spent that money on a wolverine snuggie instead. Now you’re screwed. Beause these claws are real. They aint no comic book bullshit!” Yay you’re alive! Let’s go get some Subway!