I want to start out by saying that I love cole slaw. The only thing I don’t love about cole slaw is the portion size. Like, why is it so small? Why do I only get a little on the side? Stop teasing me. I want a salad entree size portion of it. Let me get all up in it; it is kind of sad how much I like it. My love really comes out when I am out to dinner with a lady, she might say,  Oh look they have a Buttermilk soaked Ribeye with an apple brandy chutney.” To which I might reply,“that sounds nice but if you turn the menu over, and scan towards the bottom near the kids meals, you will see that they have cole slaw! Did you see that? Must be a really good restaurant.” So now that we have established my love for this item, let me go into what happened to me the other week. I was at the restaurant Smoke Daddy’s in Wicker Park. I always get the pulled pork nachos, and of course, the cole slaw. Well, the food arrives and I look at the cole slaw and it just doesnt look right. The portion size is less than normal, it looks dry, and it looks like they called this one in. I instantly push it away and decide I am not having it. The waiter comes over and I tell her, “hey I’m sorry but I am not really feeling this cole slaw right now. It’s just not right.” She replies,“well whats the problem? Not enough dressing? Is it dry?” “Listen, its not enough dressing, portion size is off, I just want to get something else okay? Can I just get the collard greens?”  “Of course.” I thought that would be the end of it. A few minutes later the manager comes over and chimes in “So I heard we had a little problem over here with the cole slaw, is that right?” “Oh its no big deal. It just wasnt good today.” “Not enough dressing? Was it lacking some dressing?” “Its really no big deal. The collard greens are wonderful, they really hit the spot. Great use of the olive oil on it. Really nice touch.” “Okay well anything else I can do please dont hesitate to ask.” So I go back to eating my nachos, and the waiter comes back and interrupts, “excuse me sir but the manager just wants me to let you know if you decide you want another cole slaw, he can whip up a fresh batch just to your liking, no problem.” This I reply, “seriously we are fine over here, you are too kind.” At that point I”m like, we got to get the hell out of here, this is getting a little too uncomfortable for me. So we wrap up our food to go, and on the way out when we see the manager by the door, before we can make it out her says,“again our deepest apologies about the cole slaw.” So at this point I”m like, are they fucking with me? Are you guys fucking with me? Are they all in the back laughing and talking about me? Like the chef is saying, “hey guys here’s a new one for ya! Fucking guy returned the cole slaw! The cole slaw! The balls on this guy! What is he gonna return the parsley next? What a sissy! Not enough mayonaise or string carrots on your shredded cabbage Prince? Is that it baby. Sorry our cole slaw doesnt meet your standards! I must of been too busy slow cooking this pork for 14 hours to keep an eye on a side dish that is commonly served with a SPORK and even cast aside by patrons at Lohn John Silvers. I will make sure all our low end side items are up to the highest standards in case your cargo shorts and Mossimo V-neck ever grace our presence again.”

So basically I can never go back there. Great





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