Golden Corral


I always see these commercials for Golden Corral saying, “why spend upwards of 20s of dollars on shrimp and steak when you can have both of these, and endless butterscotch pudding all for around 10 dollars!”  They always make a point to mention, get all this crap for around 10 dollars. Around 10 dollars? Well what is it. You have been saying this for years. Is it 10 dollars? More than? Less? Can you figure it out by now please? Around is a very lazy way of pricing things. Is this a restaurant or a flea market? Are we arounding up or arounding down? The only reason I ask is because I have around 5 kids and around one wife to feed. So if we could figure this out before I drag them in the Dodge Dakota and promise them the finest in cafeteria style land and sea creations? What kind of cash register do they have there with this arounda system? Is it just a slot machine where ya pull the lever and see what numbers come up? 9-9-9-crawfish. Did I win? “Yes you won this mediocre all you can eat buffet the size of an Olympic swimming pool! Grab a spork and fill up your trough with as much chum that suits your tum!” 
A couple years ago they added an item to the menu, the endless chocolate fountain. I can see the president of Golden Corral pacing back and forth in his office, “Hmmm, we have cornered the market on the blandest food this side of a freezer door, but I still think these fat degenerates need a closer. And by that I mean, their belly’s gravitating closer to the ground. I know, lets make a waterfall of chocolate that folks can dip bananas, brownies, and face in. And In turn this choco-fall will form a river of diarrhea that will flow out of their sad assholes for days.”
You would think an endless flowing chocolate fountain would be enough for the shameful patrons innards to swim in, but no. That’s because  I saw a recent Golden Corral commercial that started out with this, “Just when you thought Golden Corral could not top themselves, they have topped themselves! With just two words.”  Then the camera spins over to an 80 year lady saying “COTTON CANDY”. Okay…first off, if you are 80 years old and not only eating cotton candy but excited about it…then there is a problem. You also probably don’t have much time left on this earth, eating a spool of whipped sugar on a stick. And thanks Golden Corral for bringing the food reserved for carnivals to the family dinner table. Can I also throw a baseball at a bell to dunk a man while I eat this? Why half ass this experience?

Golden Corral is trying to do something nice though. They have a place called Camp Corral where kids of crazy disabled military vets can go hang out with other scarred children for a week. And they are doing it all for around the price of free. Sounds great!  Camp Corral! Sending them to a corral. Do you actually know what a corral is? It’s a pen where you keep livestock such as cattle and pigs in.  Hey vets thanks for giving up your leg and eye in battle. Boy do we have a treat for your family. We are sending your kids to a farm where they will be treated like animals ready for slaughter. Yay! It’s a fat camp, literally. They will make your kid heavy set by feeding them high calorie slop and then they will mysteriously disappear. That’s how Golden Corral really keeps that endless amount of food all for around 10 bucks. You’re eating children people! Disfigured vet’s children. Hmmm, Should I dip Corndog Timmy in a little chocolate or honey mustard. How bout both as a salute to his purple heart medaled daddy. This one is for you Peg Leg Jimbo!


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