Have you seen the commercials for the new Subway sandwich? It’s called the Fritos Chicken Enchilada. It shows all these people running around town singing about how someone put potato chips on their sub. First off, chicken enchilada is not a sandwich or sub. It’s a delicious Mexican entree. But leave it to America to put it between some bread, add mayo and mustard, and throw some chips on it. You’re welcome Mexico! We destroyed your traditional meal and found a way to make it even more unhealthy! And I’m sorry, but I don’t want a restaurant putting chips on my sandwich. That is a sad lonely decision I like to make myself, sitting alone on a Saturday afternoon. No one has returned my phone calls, sitting in dirty sweatpants, and I think, I am gonna throw these cheetos on top of my salami because even my mouth ain’t doing much today!

And Subway, of all the chips, you choose Fritos? Regular bland old Fritos? Fritos are the worst chip out there. They are like the Washington Generals of the snack world. Never good. They look like an old lady’s shriveled up pinky toe and taste like salt and bad times. That’s why people are trying to put them with other food items, they can’t cut it on their own. They remind me of the kid at the end of the block who had no friends, that your mom made you play with. Me – “But mom do we have to? He smells and is weird looking!” Mom – “Listen, he doesn’t have anyone else, you take him with you and be nice!” “Okay but if Doritos are at the park, I am pretending I do not know him.”

I think people are putting Fritos into other things because they are trying to hide it from their taste buds. Like the most famous dish, Chili Fritos Pie. I could see a person thinking, you know what would make these fritos taste good? If I covered them with cheese, beans, meat, and tomatoes. That way I won’t taste them. It’s the same thing as hiding your dog’s medicine in human food slop to get him to eat it.

If Fritos was a dog, I think it’s time we put it down like Old Yeller and take it out of its misery. Take a bullet to its awkward curvy crunchy body.   “Come here boy, it’s okay, I am just gonna dip you in some guacamole.” Bang!!! Now lets dig a hole and throw you in the pile with Crystal Pepsi, Zima, and Heinz Ketchup Chips. Throw some dirt on top, pat it down, and good riddance.


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