Geriatric Vigilantes

We need to stop with these old washed up action heroes still trying to save the world and go vigilante on a whole country. Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are still pumping out movies every year that show them kicking ass the same way they did in the 80’s. All these guys are in their mid 60’s in age now. I have a hard time believing Bruce Willis can use a Motorola Sidekick, let alone sidekick a ninja through a glass plate door.

Now these elders have awoken the tomb of Kiefer Sutherland. Another “24” season just came out and he’s gonna save the world for the 10th time. From what? Arthritis? Gingivitis? I think those are the only two things left that he hasn’t punched in the face yet.

I blame this epidemic on Pat Morita. Yes, the old grey hair janitor of a rundown apartment complex that made a young white boy into his personal slave. Go back and watch either of the first two Karate Kids and you will see a senior citizen taking down kung-fu fighters with a simple tap to the belly or a low kick to the shins. The impact of his hits would only make sense if the enemies were hooked up to circus wires. They fly backwards, spin in the air, and defy gravity, as only the 80’s would allow. Pat Morita has led these “old timer” action heroes to think, I still got some ass whoopin left in these liver spots!

Have you seen any of the Expendables movies? They are embarrassing. Sure I love to see all the heroes from my childhood together again to fight Middle Eastern stereotypes but I wish they would of thought of this 20 years ago when it was believable. Now they are all trying to hide behind CGI explosions and bad stunt doubles. I mean Sylvester Stallone can’t even turn his neck anymore. Seriously. He has to turn his whole body if he wants to talk to you. This guy’s whole body is messed up. He walks around like he’s a puppet from the “Team America” movie. And I hate to say this, but those puppets seem more human. All you would have to do to knock out Stallone, is take one step to the left and hit him over the head with a piece of Styrofoam. Game Over. And who are we are supposed to believe this group of “Expendables” are saving us from? I mean, is the enemy Don Rickles? Did he steal all the grapefruit spoons from a retirement home in Florida? Come on!

If you “Action Heroes” are that desperate for money, I will gladly send a check for 11 bucks to each of you a month in place of the money that would go to see your movie. I would rather do that then send my money to a malnourished child in Somalia. The image of a “Bullet to the Head 2″ would be much worse to my eyes than a kid sitting in a mud hole, covered in ants, trying to eat the flys that are trying to eat him. I think a lot of you out there would agree.


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