I have a cat. That is the first thing I tell people when I’m Speed Dating. Let’s start at the top we don’t have much time. I wouldn’t say that I am a “cat person” though. I like dogs too. We don’t need to draw a line in the sand folks. I just am too lazy and unresponsible to own a dog. It takes every bit of my energy each morning to scoop a cup of Meow Mix into my cat’s bowl. I’m not kidding. It usually requires me sitting on the couch for an hour and drinking a full glass of water before I can muster up the strength to achieve such a task. So I think it is safe to say I will never be a contestant on American Ninja Warrior*.
I love my cat. At least I think so. I don’t know if I have ever loved anything or know what love is, but I will tell you that I would be bummed for a couple days if my cat died. Like the kind of bummed when Breaking Bad* was over. That sounds like love right? My cat never likes to be held or pet. Which is ironic because it is a pet. It’s in your name but you won’t let me do just that. He likes to sit just out of arm’s length from me. So I’m pretty sure he loves me too.
I do pamper my cat with the most extravagant toys like fish on a stick, fluffy mouse, and fuzz ball. But nooooo he doesn’t play with those DollarTree* items. His two favorite toys are bottle water cap and plastic bag. One time I put a bottle cap in the plastic bag and gave it to him. His brain exploded. All over my futon and Ikea lamps. It was okay though because he still had eight more lives left.
There is an injustice when it comes to dogs and cats though. Like dog owners can take their pet out anywhere. They shove them in their purses, duffel bags, ponchos and everyone thinks it’s the cutest thing they have ever seen. But take one step outside with your cat and people look at you like you like you are insane. “What the fuck is that person doing? Holding a damn cat at the bus-stop! Does she know we can see her? We can see you! What a weirdo. I’m waiting for the next bus.”
Once, just once I would like to take my cat to the movies. He really wants to see the new “Hercules” movie starring the ROCK. Don’t we all folks? But then again if my cat took in the full “IMAX Experience” his heart would probably burst out of his chest and hit the wall. And that would be the realest 3D IMAX you would ever experience. So maybe a Zach Braff flick set to a mediocre Shins Soundtrack would be softer on his organs. AMC let’s make this dream happen for all cat owners out there.
When it comes to my cat’s litter box he is a huge diva. He spends half his life in that damn box. Just scratching, digging, and tossing things around for hours on end. Seriously, I don’t know what the hell he is doing in there. I have questioned him on it before and he doesn’t answer. Maybe he is waiting for the rare chance that MTV Cribs* is gonna stop by…Yo, yo, what’s up MTV! So this is my place! Wipe your feet off on the dirty mat and come inside. So to the left is where I like to do my business! That’s my pees and poos and what haves yous. Towards the back is where I hide things that I have taken from the apartment. Your takeout menus, refridgerator magnets, and nuva rings. And off to the right is where the magic happens! By that I mean my digging and mice thoughts. Thanks for stopping by and checking out my hood, but it’s time to go. Fecal matter don’t cover up itself. Peace! I mean Meow!
I don’t know how or why cats started going to the bathroom in litter boxes. Seems a weird choice. Dogs poop outside. Cats…you poop inside the house. In a box filled with sand. Where you will be so embarrassed and ashamed that you will bury and hide your poop like a dead body. It is well known that the ancient Egyptians were huge cat folk. They were treated like gods and celebrites. A persian cat back then was treated like a modern day Justin Bieber. Put on a pedestal where the local Paparazzi would gawk and pose with. It’s true don’t bother googling it. Maybe it was the Ancient Egyptians who taught the cats how to poop like they do. Think about it, they were surrounded by sand all the live long day. Ancient Egyptians probably went to the bathroom the same way. Squatting down, reading hyroglifircs while handling their business. And then when they were done they just kicked up some sand over it with their sandals. The cats saw this and said you know what…yeah.
American Ninja Warroir – a tv show where Americans try to swing on a rope and jump through a hula hoop. Because that’s what Americans think ninjas do.
Breaking Bad – A Nickelodeon show about those awkward teenage years.
DollarTree – A store that supplies folks items that they will have to go out and buy again the next day.
MTV Cribs – A show where you display how lavish you live through swimming pools, cars, and how many Snapple are stocked in your fridge.
Shins – They did that one song you can’t remember