Life of a Server

A little while ago I moved to the city of Chicago to begin my 19th job as a server. The reason I say 19th server job is because I have been fired from 17 of them. Apparently I am good at it, that’s why I keep going back. You might be surprised to know there is a lot more to being a server than just refilling Mountain Dews and dropping off sides of honey mustard. It is a grueling job that sometimes requires lack of sleep, lack of respect, and a constant display of black slacks. That’s a lot of lacks. Actually every server job you have will make you dress in all plain black. This is to make you feel like you are going to your own funeral every day. I don’t know who decided this was the server fashion but it helps you feel more like a drone and less like a person each day. But do not get me wrong, there are perks to being a waiter. It’s fast cash and doesn’t require an education. So besides being a drug dealer it’s the best option out there.

There are a lot of ins and outs that come with a server job. In most restaurants there is seniority so you have to work 2 years before you get any good shifts. Or the only way you can work a dinner shift is if you work a lunch shift too. So if you were working a night shift they would say “Okay be here at 10 am. You will work straight through with no break and get off tonight around 11 pm.” Sweet! “Oh and also you will be so stressed out and on edge by the end of the night you will want to have some drinks and shots. So you will be out all night and only get 3 hours sleep, then arrive at work the next day hungover, barely able to do it all over again!” Awesome thanks! That is why servers are all alcoholics. It’s a vicious cycle that never stops! And since you are a server now you might as well stamp DUI next to your name because that’s gonna happen. It is just a matter of when and how many you are going to get. I have worked with people who have had 5 DUI’s before. Because why stop at something you are good at right? Then you get to ride to work every day on a Pace bus with all the other DUI servers and fellow illegal busboys! “Hola Rodridgo and Diego! You putos ready for another 12 hour day with no breaks!” SI! We mean no comprende?!?!?!?

People always say marijuana is the gateway drug but that is not true. SERVER IS. First you become an alcoholic, then you start smoking weed to come down after work, and the next thing you know you’re doing coke off the toilet seat in the handicap stall the next morning just to stay awake! Now you are a full blown addict! Congrats!

And I hope you aren’t in a relationship going into this job because that will be destroyed. Working in a restaurant is more destructive to your relationship than being a cast member on the Real World. It will go down in glorious flames. YOU WILL CHEAT on your partner, just as in DUI’s, it’s only a matter of in what way and how many. You don’t want to know how many hand jobs I have gotten in a parking lot of an Outback Steakhouse at 2 in the morning. It is a staggering number…Jerry Lewis telethon kind of numbers. You will notice too that when one person gets sick in a restaurant, everybody gets sick. That’s because body fluids are being passed around as much as cocktail trays in a restaurant. If you had sex with Susie Sanders then you know you have Gonorrhea. Because Danny had sex with Susie a week before you did and everybody knows Danny is walking around with a crotch disease. A restaurant is just one big Whore House. Aren’t you glad we are the one’s handling your food? Let me wrap up that Patty Melt for ya sir!

Oh I forgot to tell you the best part, no benefits! So be careful you don’t cut off your finger with that Ginsu Knife slicing lemons or slip on the kitchen caked in butter because you’re fucked. Now go put on your best unflattering black sheet cloth outfit and start becoming the person of your dreams!



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