Locally Grown! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh

I eat at a lot of restaurants in Chicago and I will tell you there are some great places to eat. Pita Kabob, Pita Village, and OnaMonaPita just to name a few delights. I hate it when I go to restaurants and they make a point to mention “It’s all locally grown sir.  This all came from the gardens of our surrounding neighborhoods.”  Oh so does that mean I am gonna get a rash on my arm after eating this?  No thanks.  It comes from the streets of Chicago? Why would I want that? Maybe it’s just me but I dont want to eat a sweet potato that has been grown in the soil of cigarette butts, urine, and rat feces. I want it anything but locally grown. Grow it out in Idaho or Montana on some farm…where there is grass and signs of nature. Not in the pothole wrecked streets littered with trash and homeless people on Milwaukee Ave. It doesn’t taste any better to me knowing a Papaya grew up in my zip code. Just make it delicious.  I don’t care if it came frozen off the truck in back by the dumpsters. Throw some baby corns and gravy on it and I’m happy. Listen, I grew up in a household sponsored by Kraft Foods and Betty Crocker so my palate ain’t too picky.  I’m not trying to bad mouth Chicago.  It’s a great city with wonderful diversity, chefs, and nightlife. But it is no place to start growing crab apples and lentils. I know there are people out there that say “but you got to support your local entrepreneurs.” No I don’t.   It’s not my fault they got themselves into this position. This isn’t my daughter I have to bail out of jail for lewd behavior. It’s a person I never met that thought they should open a Tapas Restaurant in Wicker Park that specializes in locally raised Tilapias and parsnips. Go F yourself.

Even these little Mom and Pop Nick-Nack shops try to make you feel guilty for buying their products cheaper on Amazon. Well don’t price your items like an asshole and maybe I will buy it at your store. You know as soon as we see something we like in your store we are gonna check the price on our Amazon app. So in a way you are just helping Amazon make MORE money. Your store becomes the place we try out the item first before we go ahead and buy it on Amazon. So thanks for that. Many of these stores crash and burn in a month because they are selling bullshit products at such an extreme price.   You got to make your prices more competitive with the juggernaut companies out there. That’s the only way anybody is going to buy it in your store. It’s just common sense. With the Internet we all can check prices anywhere and everywhere. I will not feel bad for buying a swank pocketknife on Amazon if your store prices it like it’s a Civil War artifact. “But we have to price it like that because our rent is so high.” Then sell something more important than cute 11″ by 8″ neighborhood maps of Chicago and mustache combs to justify the price. Or open your shop out in some Podunk suburb where it’s cheaper to live and sell your “compulsive buy” items to the local yokels. Then you can price them lower, pay your rent, and still have enough money left over to enjoy the Fried Bologna and Velveeta Biscuit at Hardees. See there, we all win.

Pita Restaurants – Always in high demand.  Always underwelming

Kraft Foods – Over processed imitations of food items that people better off can afford to eat.

Betty Crocker – The mom I never had

Tapas Restaurant – A way to waste a lot of tiny plates and make sure you leave still hungry.

Wicker Park – Hipsters, Coffee Snobs, and Pretentious Beer drinkers are rolled up into one nice handlebar mustache

Amazon – Where I am going to buy your stuff

Hardee’s – the hard implies to the affect it has on your arteries.  Harderies? Anyone?

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