Stop…You had me at Hamster

A friend of mine gave his 5 year old son a hamster for his birthday. I told him, “That’s fantastic! You purchased a rodent for your darling child. Congrats!” That’s right hamsters are rodents. But for some reason parents think it’s a cute pet to give to their youngsters. “Thanks daddy! What am I getting for my 6th birthday? Armadillo? Shower me with more of nature’s gifts!”  Hamsters are not cute or smart. They have never done anything great or even okay. The most amazing thing a hamster has ever done is run on a plastic wheel. And they are not doing it to show off or lose some holiday pounds. They are doing it because they think that wheel is going places. Hopefully away from you and this shitty hobo habitat you have created for them filled with wood chips and iceberg lettuce. Hamster – Hey can we throw some cigarette butts and used condoms in here so I can get a good nights sleep? I can’t rest unless it looks like I’m on the set of NYPD Blue.
And remember to show your guests this cage of disgrace on the tour of your house. “Over here we have an 18th Century oil painting made by my Great Great Great Grandpa Jenkins. In the next room is a dining table made of solid oak that was handcrafted by a man with only three fingers. So it was more finger crafted.  Took him awhile to make.  And…to your left sitting on top of this dirty ironing board, is a caged rodent living in a trash garden. Sorry its a little messy. We didn’t have time to vacuum his newspaper palace. It’s been a busy week.”
No single adults should own hamsters. That’s a red flag. If you do happen to see a grownup with a hamster in his home and no children, immediatley contact the authorites. There is probably a girl chained to a pillar in the basement. Because he’s a serial killer.  A real creep a leep.
I think parents give their kids hamsters to act as “training wheel pets” until they are old enough and responsible enough to own a real pet. Once your child shows that he can feed his rodent, and hasn’t stepped on it or thrown it against the wall out of frustration from losing to his sister at Mario Kart, we can go ahead and upgrade to a real pet. That’s why the price mark on a Hamster is on par with a bag of Pita Chips. That way if such Mario Kart accidents happen, you can just go down to the Dollar General and get another one. Dad- Honey I am going down to the store to get some milk. Need anythng? Mom- “Yeah could you pick up another hamster, Billy put Fluffers in the microwave because he thought he was too cold.” Dad- Oh yeah sure, should I get another hamster or a Guinea Pig? Mom- What’s a Guinea Pig? Dad- It’s like a Mogwai with Type 2 Diabetes. Mom- “Will we care if it dies?”  Dad – Probably not.  Mom – “Well as long as it doesn’t cost more than afternoon snack…giddy up.”

Armadillo – a hamster that was trained and built for Armageddon.

NYPD Blue – A cop show that gave Zach Morris and Ricky Stratton a gun and told them to stop being pussies.

Mario Kart – A racing game so easy and dumb that it surprises you how much it makes you hate losing.

Pita Chips – If you only have three fingers and have a hard time eating a regular Pita…try this snack attack.

Mogwai – a cute movie rodent pet that stole the hamster’s thunder in the 80’s.

Type 2 Diabetes – Someone finally gave a title to you being a fat, lazy, piece of shit.

 

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