I love condiments. The more the merrier is what I say. When I eat a sandwich it is pretty gross. It can’t be a good sandwich unless mayo and mustard are flowing out the sides like a waterfall. That is why one of my favorite restaurants to eat at is Fuddruckers. It is a restaurant that masters the art of the hamburger, condiment, and heart disease. It is a weird name for a restaurant….Fuddruckers. Hell, it’s a weird name for anything. The first time I said it to my mom she slapped me in the mouth and made me wash my mouth out with soap. I figured she just didn’t like burgers. I have always had such a weird attraction to Fuddruckers. So much so I once took my girlfriend there for Valentine’s Day. Each special lady received a decorative Heinz 57 squirt bottle to honor the occasion. She broke up with me the next day.
The real eye candy of this restaurant is the condiment buffet. It is the size of a Walmart parking lot…but with 10 less handicap spots. They have items there that I didn’t know were even acceptable to put on a burger. Why is cheese goo coming out of the ketchup dispenser? No, sir that is our liquid cheese. Well I already have three different types of cheese on my burger, so I am just gonna pump this into a pint glass and drink it like a milkshake. That’s right there is no judging at Fuddruckers…and no eye contact. Just sit you and your sweatpants down at one of the many indoor picnic tables and enjoy the ambiance of Jock Jams 8 blasting through the loud speakers. Nothing helps Grade F meat digest quite like Cotton Eye Joe. It’s awesome baby! And good luck eating this burger in a graceful manner because after the lettuce, tomato, mustard, ketchup, pickle, and lets say Ritz Bitz are thrown on top of your burger, it is the size of Dikembe Mutombo and is only being held together by the power of God above. Then you take that first bite and the burger explodes like a grenade all over your face and arms. You don’t need a bib when you eat here, you need a raincoat. But that’s okay because they put a roll of Brawny Paper Towels on every table. The only paper towel that is so absorbent you can use it as a diaper. Which might be of use for you after your body trys to digest this juggernaut. Anytime a restaurant has a roll of papertowels on the table it means you have been excused of all manners and social behavior. So loosen up the knot on your drawstring belt and be the disgrace we all know you can be.
The best part about your experience is when you’re done and go to the bathroom to clean up, there is an employee in there with a garden hose who sprays you down like a dirty pig. “You just been Fuddruckered! Now go on get!” Ohhhhhh, so that’s what that name means. Nice.
Heinz 57 – If you like putting ketchup on your eggs then you will love this on your steak.
Jock Jams – a collection of terrible party songs that play on repeat the next time you are Cosmic Bowling.
Cotton Eye Joe – A song so hillbilly that you felt like you slept with your sister after hearing it.
Ritz Bitz – Not man enough to tackle a full size Ritz? Well here you go you dainty fuck.
Dikembe Mutombo – One tall muthafucka
Brawny Paper Towels – A paper towel made for your town’s favorite clumsy lumberjack