I was so excited yesterday because Velveeta was on sale at the grocery store. Finally! I’ve been waiting so long for it to drop to $5.99.  Velveeta is my favorite cheese out there by far. To be fair it’s not real cheese. On the box it says Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product. All that does is take you on a Lord of the Rings journey to tell you “I’m delicious!” If you didn’t know, Velveeta only comes in two sizes. Brick, for when you want to host an awesome Super Bowl party. And Log, for you to put in your bomb shelter when the end of the world arrives. There is no expiration date on Velveeta. Why? Because you can’t have an expiration on something that is not real. Velveeta will out last us all, stand the test of time. After Earth implodes you will still find the box of Velveeta floating end over end through space.  Velveeta…..
The slogan for Velveeta is Liquid Gold. Well they got the first word right because it goes in and out of my body the same way…Pure Liquid. I don’t know about the gold part though. When I get off the toilet it doesn’t look like I struck gold. It looks like a fondue pot of hurt. No one is celebrating.
They make Velveeta with 2% Milk now. That is nice for the mothers who are giving their children imitation cheese. “I can sleep well tonight knowing little Bobby Joe ate his chili dog and nachos with 2% milk Velveeta. Can’t wait until his butt pee melts the bed. Wake up to a nice gooey Angry Birds comforter.”
My dad is the reason for my love of Velveeta. He used to carry it around the house with him all day and knaw on it like a beaver. His favorite flavor was the Jack Cheese Velveeta. That would be Velveeta and Jack Daniels. He liked to get drunk on both and sing old songs from the war.   The next day we would find him passed out with a yellow mustache, holding a picture of a young Vietnamese girl.  He had some dark secrets…and I think other children.
My family loved Velveeta so much when I was growing up that we would take it to the beach with us…and use it as sunblock. A lot of people don’t know that Velveeta has an SPF of 800. It can not be penetrated by the sun. We would rub it on our shoulders, nose, and legs. And the best part about it all was when we got home later we would just wipe each other off with Triscuits. Brother – “I call Grandma’s back!”  Sister “No fair you had Grandma’s back last week!  Mom!”


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