My stepdad’s job moved my family to Chicago when I was 13. Thank god for that. Comparing Chicago to Florida is not easy. That’s like trying to compare Issac Newton to Fig Newton. One helped define the laws of the physical universe and the other is an okay snack once in awhile…if it’s on sale…and you use your gums to chew. What a great comparison. I often wonder what would of happened to me if my family stayed in Florida. I probably would of become one of two things. Either a cashier at Publix or a rapist. Or if I was a real go getter maybe I would be a Rapist Cashier. Fill my days ringing up Juicy Juice and girls’ necks. Fantastic!
Don’t get me wrong Florida is a great place to visit. But that’s it. Stay more than a week and you will start doing or experiencing some weird shit. Here are just a couple of stories that have come out in the last few months from Florida. First, a guy was caught having sex in his backyard. Okay that’s not that bad you say. Until I tell you that he was having sex with his dog. Yes. A man was caught fucking his pit bull in his backyard. And when the police told him to stop…he did not. They had to force him off the dog. He was that into it. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/fla-man-arrested-sex-pit-bull-yard-report-article-1.1712069. Okay. Second story…teenager caught having sex with a stuffed animal in a Walmart. A man swooned a stuffed horse then barebacked it over to the bedding department and romanced it on a Posturepedic. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/florida/walmart-stuffed-animal-defiler-657903. Now I have not seen pictures of this horse or the pitbull so I can’t say how pretty or dreamy their eyes were, but I will say this, guys get a room! Keep your weird shit to your weird self. My goodness. Who knows if I was still living in Florida that could of been me! Behind bars because I was caught rubbing my weiner up against a Teddy Ruxpin at Toys R’ Us. It’s scary to think about. Maybe that is the real reason my Mom got me out of Florida when she did. Mom – “If we stay here much longer Ryan is liable to fuck an animal. Either stuffed or real Ryan will try some form of bestiality unless we get him out of here. He’s got it in him. I mean his father won’t even button his shirt for heavens sake.” Maybe it’s the sandy beaches. The frozen yogurt on the boardwalk. The way the afternoon breeze sways the arched palm trees. Throw that all in a pot and let it simmer…and suddenly you wake up one day wishing that petting zoo was a heavy petting zoo. Start having wet dreams about the quarter pony ride in front of Kmart. Begin to notice the alligator mouth on hole 9 at Petey’s Putt Putt looks kind of purty. Next thing you know you are humping your labador retriever on your grandpa’s hammock and being tasered by the local sheriff. And now you are inmate #44978-22 with a crocodile neck tattoo getting conjugal visits from a parakete named Cinnamon.
Publix – A grocery store where your whole Florida family will work at one day. Also featured in the Stallone movie “Cobra”.
Juicy Juice – you want to creep someone out, ask for a glass of this at the next dinner party you attend.
Posturepedic – a bed so soft you will almost forget you’re having sex with your girlfriend’s sister on it.
Teddy Ruxpin – Before the Walkman, you had to rip out the insides of your Teddy Bear to listen to that Beach Boys album. Later Floridians will use that inside to warm their penis.
Alligator Mouth Petey’s Putt Putt – a hot spot in Sarasota to lose your virginity.