CVS – Talk to me when you’re serious

I hate CVS. I don’t know how that place is still around. It is a poor man’s Walgreens. Your druggie friend before he got his shit together. The selection is less, aisles are closer together, and the shelves are lower…ashamed at what they hold. I like the roll of carpet that they threw on the ground in there. It really classes up the joint. I feel like I’m at the Ritz Carlton when I’m shopping for…Ritz Crackers. The good thing about carpet in CVS is you can see the permanent stains of past regrets and failures as you shop. Maybe carpet is just what ya want in a pharmacy. That way if I am looking for a bandaid for my severed finger I can just follow the trail of bloodstains to the right aisle.

In case you’re a cheapskate I will let you know they do have a preferred card at CVS. I prefer not to get it thank you. I have enough cards in my wallet that say I’m a disgrace already. I don’t need to be shoving that in my velcro wallet next to my TJ Maxx and Shoe Carnival cards okay. So if someone finds me dead one day they can find my whole life story lived at a strip mall in Berwyn. The card is actually called the “Extra Care” card. I’m sorry but I don’t think something that gives me a discount on caramel popcorn and Barefoot Wine is “Extra Caring”. “But sir, since you bought those both together you get 2 dollars off your next purchase!” Great, that means I have to come back here? Is that 2 bucks going to the toilet paper I’ll need for the poppop and bottom shelf adult juice diarrhea I’m gonna have?

There are no cashiers in CVS. Why? Well would you want to work here stupid? No. There are only self-checkouts with one person in a red vest standing over you. He has about as much authority and responsibility as the hall monitor in your middle school. And boy oh boy does he monitor you. Making sure you don’t slip that inflatable palm tree into your backpack. Or shove that Mr. T Chia Pet down the front of your pants and run like the dickens. “Not on my watch! I’m wearing a red vest! That’s a vest of honor and respect! It’s 100 percent polyester! 100 percent! Machine washable! You see the CVS on my back! It stands for Crap Valued for SadSaps. You will treat this stained carpet pharmacy with respect! Now are you gonna buy that Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape or am I going to have to throw you in the Minute Jail. Which also happens to be our Minute Clinic. So if you need to get a prescription for that Pink Eye now is your chance…while you think about what you did.”

Ritz Carlton – Before the “Carlton Dance” this Carlton held elite status.

Ritz Crackers – the first classy cracker to be fashioned after the monocle.

TJ Maxx – if you think the spelling is a little off…wait until you see the clothes.

Shoe Carnival – Finally a shoe store where I can eat cotton candy while trying on British Knights.

Barefoot Wine – Well they got the name right because it tastes just like feet.

Bubble tape – A bubble gum that lets you decide what your serving size is. And help measure to see if you can get that new couch in your apartment.



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