Ya don’t bring sand to the Beach Ball

I think the worst creation ever was the beach ball. Who is the idiot that came up with this? It’s like someone was trying to invent a new sport and got drunk half way through and gave up. I could see him handing it to a friend one day – Hey Johnny check it out bro! “What is this?” It’s like a ball that you hit in the air and… “And what? Why is it so awkwardly big? Why is it so light?” Dude I dont fucking know, just tap it in the air to someone else and let them figure it out, I got more drinking to do. It really is one of the laziest inventions, up there with the Pooper Scooper. It’s like the guy was watching a volleyball match on a sandy beach one day and said You know what? Someone needs to slow this wayyyyyyyyy the fuck down. My head can barely keep up with this high pace action. Maybe if I made the ball four times bigger, four times lighter, take away the net that in a way, is dividing us as a society, and slow this game down to a halt. I want something you could play while you are holding a hotdog or baby in one hand. A sport that in a way is not a sport. Something that even the slowest of people could play and find enjoyment in.
It does seem like people turn into retards when they see a beach ball. Local Idiot – “Hey look everybody a big color-ly ball! Yay! Hit it over here! I want to touch it with my thumb! Yay I did it! Everyone see that I did it!” Drunk friend – Hey let me do it! Stop hogging all the fun! I got thumbs too! Me touch ball now!
What’s great about the beach ball is you never have to buy one. You don’t purchase them in stores. They just show up suddenly at Dave Matthews concerts. You will just be standing there top tappin, thinking life couldn’t get better than this, when out of the corner of your eye you see a giant ball moving through the crowd with the grace of a plastic bag in the wind. “Oh shit ya’ll! So much to say! So much to say! There’s a Circus ball coming my way!” I like when the security guard steps in and pops the beach ball. Guard – What the hell is going on here! Don’t you see there is a guy playing an electric violin on stage! Where are your manners! Pay attention! This needs to stop now before a riot breaks out! (POP!) What’s next? You guys gonna run around blowing dandylions! Tickle one another with feathers? You see the back of this windbreaker it says SECURITY! It means I did not graduate high school! I earned this responsibility from years of hacky sack and rollerblading! You can’t just go down to a PlayItAgainSports and get this cozy Windbreakin Ditty! Come on! Ten bucks each week gets taken out of my paycheck to make me look this good! And when is Dave gonna play Crash into Me! We are all waiting for it? Why is he teasing us? Play it already and take me to the place where it all goes away! I miss you Sheila! Hey no crowd surfing you little fuck! Your Birkenstocks are smudging the 92’s on everyone’s polos!  Beach Ball.

Pooper Scooper – you want me to bend down and pick up my dogs shit? I don’t want to be laughed at like a clown. I will use this long plastic crane that will not open up all the way and smush the feces further into the ground making one long poop smear.
Dave Matthews – We all went through that phase. Dressed in Abercrombie, wearing a Puca Shell necklace, getting genital warts for the first time.
Dandylions – The biggest misrepresentation of anything in history.  Close second – The 100 Grand Candy Bar.  Bullshit.
PlayItAgainSports – Your daddy lost all his money at the OTB again so you are gonna have to play ball with this mitt used by 10 other boys’ sweaty palms.
Crash Into Me – Never has rape been sung so elegantly. Great stuff.
Birkenstocks – The first flipflop to have a seatbelt. Or should I say feetbelt? Zing! Your weird uncle still thinks these are cool.

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