Burnt Victims Unite!

I remember the first apartment I moved into with my brother right out of high school. Ever since I was able to walk my mom would iterate to us that as soon as we walked across that platform and got our high school diploma, she was changing the locks on the front door. So being an 18 year old with no talents, money, or credit I was out in the streets. My brother and I ended up getting an apartment together in Lyons, Illinois. There is no reason to be in Lyons, IL unless you are hiding from the police. It’s a creepy place that is best known for a place called Stella’s that specializes in batting cages and videoslots. Yup, that’s Lyons biggest accomplishment. Aluminum bats and low end illegal gambling. It’s also the kinda town where a poor dones nothing yet teenager lays down his hat.
But the real story here was our first landlord. I remember he was a nice guy. And also he was a burnt victim. His whole body from top to bottom was completely covered with scars from an accident we never knew. I’m guessing Lava Lamp mishap. Or Hamburger Helper grease fire. Guess I will never know. It’s kind of hard asking a burnt victim what happened to them. You just pretend you didn’t notice that all of his skin was incinerated. Nope I didn’t notice that at all. I will just stare directly at your hat and say…I like your hat. Nice…hat.  Looks good on…you.
He was a pretty quiet guy. But I’m guessing most burnt victims are that way. Not wanting to bring much atttention to themselves…after having so much attention brought on to themselves. The strange thing about this landlord was that he still smoked. Excuse me what? Yes. Still lit it up. But he did it in a way I have never seen anyone else smoke before. You see he smoked with a fork. He bent back the two outer prongs of a fork and inserted a cigarette between the two inner prongs and smoked it. I guess that was his way of not getting too close to the flame. Needed a middle man. Like a salad bar needs a sneeze guard…a burnt victim needs a fork to smoke?!?!?!? I would like to have been there when he first thought of this genius idea. Lying in the hospital bed covered in dressings and gauze, in agonizing pain from the flames that engulfed his entire body. His family standing over him with tears welled up in their eyes. He opens his mouth – Well I am never smoking again! Family – “Well right of course not, that goes without saying. You look like a hot cheeto. You have learned your lesson!” (Laughs)
Wait you didn’t let me finish. I am never smoking again…with these mitts! For now on I am taking in my nicotine the same way I do my Salisbury Steak. Through my fork. I am no fool. Some might say I’m a genius.  So if one of you would be so kind as to go down to the Cafeteria and grab me a jello and a sack full of forks I would be much obliged. Because I sure could use a cigarette after today!
Personally I think a spork would of been a better choice than fork. It’s talents already includes two things so why not three. Stab, Slurp, Smoke.  The three S’s.  Easy to remember. I can’t think of a better way to fully enjoy a Long John Silvers experience.
Stella’s – where every local yokel has their bar mitzvah, prom and wedding…sponsored by mozzarella sticks and B96.
Video Slots – hey it’s Friday and I just got my Jewel-Osco Cashier paycheck! Time to let it ride on some cherries, monkeys, and bananas to see if my family will eat dinner this week!
Lava Lamp – Well I got a beanbag, a dancing Coke Can, and a Rock Tumbler. I need one more thing to get this girl in the sack.
Hamburger Helper – A packet of powder and dry macaroni. Does this help? Is this this really a great meal? My life needs help but I don’t think my hamburger needs this.


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