I was looking through my kitchen cabinets yesterday and realized that 95 percent of my daily intake is from Kraft Foods. My kitchen looks like a mini Kraft factory. I’m surprised my breakfast table isn’t made out of dry macaroni. What’s even more amazing is that I’m alive talking to you right now. If you have never heard of Kraft foods then I guess both of your parents had jobs. Congrats jerk face. You never had to add water to to a predried box of food to soften it for your gums.
So this is Kraft’s ditty. They take other people’s delicious snack creations and make poor less quality imitations of them. Wait what? That sounds highly illegal. Won’t you get sued for that? Kraft Foods -“Well no because we are just gonna add the letter O at the end of each snack name to cover any litigation problems. Problem solved bucko.” And boy has Kraft made a Velveeta Liquid Gold Mine out of this formula. And my cabinets and mini fridge are proof that this system works…with incredible results. That’s why I have been blessed with high blood pressure and diabetes. Zoinks! Folks this is what happens when you freebase processed cheese powder. You might not be aware of all the products Kraft has bestowed upon us but i will tell you they play out like a Def Leppard’s greatest hits album. Capri Sun, Cool whip, Jello, Bacos! Did I describe the spread at the annual President’s Ball? Is someone getting knighted? Oh yes Bacos. The first imitation bacon bit. Cause why pay 89 cent for bits o’ bacon when you can pay 75 cent and get to crack your tooth along with it. And how about cheese whiz folks? The first and only cheese to get a perfect score on the ACTs. What have you done lately munster? Still taking night classes to get your GED because you got knocked up in high school? You piece of shit loser. The real crowning achievement for Kraft is Miracle Whip. That is Kraft’s Pour Some Sugar on Me. It says on the jar that it is salad dressing. I say yes and thank you! I love me a nice spinach goat cheese miracle whip salad ya’ll. Nothing spruces up spinach like white paste. I don’t like to disrespect my salad by shaking up my dressing and tossing it on there like a game of dice. I prefer to put my dressing on the same way I do butter on a dinner roll…with a knife. That way you appreciate each leaf and its sacrifice before shoving it in your toothless pie-hole. Call me sopohisti. Sophisacated. Sofisticated. Uh just call me classy.
Now lets talk about the name for a second. Miracle Whip? What a pair of balls Kraft has calling this food goop a miracle. Usually that word is set aside for surviving a deadly plane crash or bringing a baby fawn back to life. Not Kraft. They reserve it for the condiment that sits atop your pastrami. There you go America. That is your miracle. Add a slice of pickle to that and you might part the Red Sea. The Red Sea of course being your accompanying bowl of SpaghettiO’s. And now if you will excuse me it’s time to take my blood pressure medicine wrapped in Velveeta.
Def Leppard – What was playing on your parents Zenith boombox the night you were conceived. Arrmagedeonitt!!! I’m a getting it! Also where the phrase “rock out with your cock out” was born…from a one armed drummer who could never properly zip up his pants.
Capri Sun – The official drink sponosored by Capri Pants. And just as awful. Juice in a pouch that you are supposed to stab with a pointy straw to drink. How does it taste? I don’t know I am still trying to stab it with this fucking dinky straw.
Cool Whip – A topping reserved for Cafeteria desserts and Stripper’s Breasts.
Jello – If you are eating this you just had your tonsils taken out or you’re in a nursing home counting down your remaining days until you dead.
Bacos – Remember what I said about the letter O thing. A salad topping that starts at the bottom in quality.
Knighted – If you wrote a song called Crocodile Rock or played a serial killer who ate people’s genitals…then Britain would like to honor you dear sir. (Elton John, Anthony Hopkins)
Munster – A cheese inspired by the tv series “The Munsters” about a family of monsters trying to fit in with humans. Trying to make this cheese fit in between two pieces of rye is an even worse idea.
Pour Some Sugar on Me – a song so sweet that it led to the onslaught of Type 2 Diabetes.