I have Type 1 Diabetes. Sorry, I have been meaning to tell you guys, I got it from a toilet seat at Citgo. Forgot to check the seat before I sat down and woke up with full blown Betes. No, I’m kidding. I got it from my Grandpa. Not like that sickos! Get your mind out of my Grandpa’s pants. No, it’s hereditary and skips a generation. What a nice gift to pass on to your child. Dad – Son, if you ever reproduce chances are your kid will grow up with a dead pancreas. Just thought you’d like to know. Now lets go get ice cream…because your kid will never be able to. Diabetes is a serious chronic disease that plagues many people the world over. 1 out of 4 people has Diabetes. It’s true I read that on a Bazooka Joe wrapper. That means the person standing three behind you in line at Kohl’s has it. Now that’s scarier than a Lauren Conrad Blouse. I should mention there is also a Type 2 Diabetes out there. You get that from eating at Golden Corral. It’s known as the poor man’s diabetes.
I should say that Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetics do not get along. They might as well be two rival gangs, like the Bloods and Crypts. Type 1 diabetics have a motto we go by and that’s “4LifeBitches”. Type 2 Diabetics also have a motto too and it’s “We love Duncan Hines Brownie Mix.” Those ain’t goods fighting words. What a bunch of losers. Eating Star Crunches and Rolos in bed doesn’t mean you can hang with us you lazy fucks. You disgust me! We were here first Type 2s! You know how I know this? Because you are the number 2, as in second place. You didnt win at this disease, we did! It’s ours. Lay off! Why don’t you pondscums find another disease to hang out with. I heard Scurvy and Polio are pretty lonely these days. Looking for some love in all the wrong places. Go knock on their doors. Or go develop a shitty allergy. That’s the cool thing to do right now. People even pretend they have allergies because it’s so popular. Being different has reached mainstream status. If you are a midget amputee with a gluten allergy then you are the man at your high school. Your Humpty Dumpty body can have fresh Pickens of any skank in the tank. No wheat = Blowjob in back seat. Wait where the hell was I? Back to the Betes. There is no cure for my Type 1 Diabetes, but there is a cure for Type 2 that many people are not aware of. And it is called Jog. Get on a treadmill or sidewalk and move those grey tree stumps that you call legs back and forth. Get some blood flowing to that Foopa. Replace that Sara Lee Coffee Cake with a VHS Body by Jake. Do it! Because I can’t have you mooching off our disease any longer.
I finally have insurance now but for many years I did not. I would have to buy all my glucose test strips on Ebay. That;s right, while so many people were on Ebay to buy Ipads or Video games, I was bidding on glucose test strips with other pathetic diabetics. How sad is that? A bunch of no insurance diabetics trying to hit our sore fingers on the refresh button to rebid every 30 seconds. Ugh. And I have to tell you nothing is worse than when you lose out an auction to one of these other losers at the last second. Oh so sorry Ryan! You did not win the Bayer Contour Test Strips! You were beat out by Type2Bugaboo. Well that’s just great. Guess I will cry myself to sleep in the fetal position now. Can’t even bid on test strips right.
It is hard still to this day living with this disease because no one treats me normal. I get treated like a dainty girl most of the time. For instance, I was hanging out with a couple of my friends a week ago and I said to the waiter “Can I get a Diet Coke.” Then my friend says “oh yes that sounds good, can I also get a faggot.” I was like, Actually I have diabetes but thanks for belittling me in front of everyone at TGI Fridays asshole. And I will have the Tater Skins with no bacon or cheese and sour cream on the side. That happens to me a lot actually. Whenever I’m at a restaurant or have to ask how many carbs are in a entrée or dressing on the side people will say “Hey check out the sissy boy! Would you also like me to chew your food for you and spit it in your mouth like a baby bird? Loser!” I wish when my I was diagnosed with diabetes that the doctor would of warned me I would be treated this way. Might of helped me ease into the abuse. Doctor – “Hey Ryan, good to see ya again. How’s soccer? Good. Good talk. Anyways, you have Type 1 Diabetes, an incurable disease.” Oh my god this is awful! NOOOOOO!!!! Doctor – “Also…everyone for the rest of your life will call you a faggot. Just a complete faggot. A huge diabetic faggot cloud will rain over your head wherever you go.” Okay well that sounds more awful than the disease, but thanks doc for letting me know. Doctor – No problem faggot.
Citgo – Remember that guy in high school who was really good at playing the guitar and drawing cool sketches during class? He would like to inform you that you must pay inside before you pump.
Bazooka Joe – I hate going to this cheap ass house on Halloween.
Kohl’s – I’m not like poor. You know. But I’m cheap. But I don’t want to look like I’m a cheap ass. And I don’t fit into my Forever 21 clothes anymore. Is there a clothing store where everything is on sale and discounted and I can also get a Flowbee? Wish granted.
Bloods and Crypts – Hey I like the color red. It really brings out my eyes! Hey I enjoy the color blue. It pairs well with most thing in my wardrobe! No one talks to me like that! BAM BAM BAM BAM
Foopa – The first fanny pack.
Body by Jake – Before yoga or pilates people obsessed to look like an oiled up Italian man in short shirts with an abundance of chest hair.
TGI Fridays – I will have the Ultimate Peppermint Mudslide. And the Jack Daniels Steak. And the Tennessee Whiskey Cake for dessert. And then if you could go ahead and drunk call my ex girlfriend afterwards so I can cry like a baby and ask why she no love me anymore? Thanks