I was looking for a stapler the other day and my girlfriend said just use this, and handed me a paperclip. Thanks, but I’m not trying to file away my Grandma’s holiday recipes. Come on, a paperclip? I don’t know about you but when I am using a paperclip it is never for paper. It’s one of two things. I’m either trying to get out of handcuffs, or get resin out of my bong…and usually that is the same night folks. Paperclips are the laziest invention ever, they are one step away from worthless. If paperclip was a good invention then the staple would never have been invented. There would be no need. Inventors could of stopped contorting tiny shiny wires and moved on to making real inventions…like the light bulb that was invented shortly after! How embarrassing is that. I would hate to have to follow Edison at the Inventor’s Award Ceremonies that they held around that time. You are not gonna believe this but I have actually obtained the transcript from the night of those awards and what you are about to read is 100 percent true.
JUDGE – First up to the stage is Thomas Edison. What have you been hard at work inventing the past few years my dear sir?
EDISON – I have created light! Yes the light bulb! Now you can effortlessly read and write your tree carvings and scrolls at night! Even sex is better at night because you know who and where things are!
JUDGE – Wow that’s an incredible break through, amazing. I cant believe a thing could be possible…but we must move on, lot of great discoveries to get to. So…Petey…Petey Pottersworth.
PETEY (shyly mumbling) – Uh, yeah, what’s up. How’s it hangin?
JUDGE – What have you been sweating tirelessly over for the last few years.
PETEY – Ummm the paperclip.
JUDGE – The what?
PETEY – Paperclip.
JUDGE – And what does such a dainty object do?
PETEY- It keeps your papers loosely in order for a couple minutes and then falls off.
JUDGE – Hmmm you realize that loose leaf paper won’t be invented for another 20 years right? We still write on scrolls and dirt. Okay well please explain the tedious process of your invention.
PETEY – Well I took a tiny wire
JUDGE- Well right.
PETEY – And I bent it…twice. Then you uhhhh have Paperclip. Wala!
JUDGE – Excuse me sir but are you an idiot?
PETEY – I prefer simple.
JUDGE – Right, so listen up everyone, we will be lynching Petey tomorrow. We can’t allow this kind of Tom Foolery to go on anymore. Better yet let’s do it tonight! We can use Edison’s light bulb and make it a nice event for the village!
PETEY – Wait, wait, guys, I just found out if you link 5 of these together you can make a really shitty bracelet.
JUDGE – My god someone removes this guy’s head from his body already! His voice is worse than his invention! Forget the lynching. Just grab the guillotine…that Joseph Ignace Guillotine invented last year after seeing a garage door fall on his cat.
PETEY – Wait wait wait guys, I am also working on a sweater that has a neck cozy. I call it the Turtleneck.
JUDGE – Excuse me what?
PETEY – You know for the days when you have cold neck and also want to impress some relatives.
JUDGE – And why is it called turtle?
PETEY – I just really like turtles. I think they get a bad wrap.
(Chop!) Petey’s head rolls across the floor