I am really confused why grocery stores are trying to get you to buy everything in bulk these days. They try to sell you on the fact that you can only get a good deal if you buy 6 of the item. The really strange part about it is you are not saving that much money. Still not worth it. Buy one jar of Jiffy peanut butter for $3.99. But…buy 6 jars of Jiffy…and it’s only $3.79 a jar. “OOHHHHHH!!!! Thank goodness I came across this deal because I have to make ants on a log for an entire village and didnt know how I was gonna afford it at the extra 20 cents!” These stores don’t care what the product is, they want “stupid” to buy a wheel barrel’s worth of it. Shampoo, Beef jerky, cheese whiz, wine. Buy it all in bulk dumdum and then try to figure out where the hell you are gonna put it. Dig a hole in your backyard, put it in your bomb shelter, leave it in the garage at Nana’s house! Just do it and don’t thank us later! The best is when they want you to buy alcohol in bulk. Yeah nothing like clanging together 6 Bottles of YellowTail Wine up three flights of stairs to announce to your neighbors that you are an alcoholic…and soon to be asshole.
I wonder how this buying in bulk trend started. Maybe grocery store owners were watching too many of these dystopian movies and freaked the fuck out. Thought the end of the world is coming or something. They just want to make sure you are well stocked in French’s mustard when the zombie apocalypse hits. You can thank them later when you are enjoying that pastrami on rye as you watch your neighbor’s neck being ripped out by the undead. Pastrami yum!
Listen, and by that i mean read this – I live in a studio apartment and take public transportation okay. I don’t have the arms, strength, or Yaffa block space to be buying 6 of an item…no matter how many cents you knock off the price of Sweet Gerkins. Just not gonna happen. The only other thing I can think of is that grocery stores want me to throw one hell of a weird new year’s eve party. “Hey guys please help yourself to this “Game of Thrones” size feast of little pickles, creamy peanut butter, and low shelf wine lying across my ping pong table. We are closing out 2014 with a bang! And by bang I mean projectile vomiting out of both ends of our bodies! Yay! Where is my Kazoo! Let’s get the fireworks started!”
And why is the number always 6. Buy 6 items. Not 3, 5 or 7….6. Very weird. Someone very high up in the Corporate office must of thought 6 is the perfect number, any more might look a bit insane. “7? Have you lost your mind? With the economy the way it is people can’t afford to buy grocery items in amounts more than 6! Unfortunately that is just the way it is. Plus, it has been proven that people like things in sixes. Motley Crew Guitarists, best friend’s of Blossom, 90’s bands named Eve. They were the best at what they did cause they were 6s! Now if you will all excuse me I am off to see a little movie called Big Hero 6! Coincidence? I think not. Genius? Yes I am!”
Ants on a Log – weirdly invented when a hungover mom didn’t have time to go to the grocery store before her kid’s bday party.
Yaffa Block – Don’t have the room or money to buy a dresser because you have been buying everything in sixes? Try these giant plastic legos that will stamp a seal of approval on your virginity.
Eve 6 – A “Ginger” that put his tender heart in a blender. So young and so sad…to rhyme about.
Blossom – A NBC sitcom about an ugly girl growing up in a house run by men with bad hairdos and worse catchphrases. Woah!
Big Hero 6 – The first five Big Heroes turned out to be zeroes. But lucky number 6 came along and he got so much pussy.