A Crime! A Sex Crime!

A few years back I dated and lived with a girl named Melanie. Oh shit, wait…let’s call her Belanie so her feelings don’t get hurt. At the time Belanie and I were going out for a year. By then our sex life was non-existent. The only thing that had touched my body in the apartment the past 5 months was a purple luffa. One weekday night she goes to a sex toy party at a friend’s house and comes back drunk and excited as a church mouse – “Do not make any plans for Friday, I am going to rock your world!” Friday arrives and shortly after getting home from work, Belanie tells me to take off my Champion Sweatpants and hop in bed. Well you don’t have to tell me twice! I get undressed and crawl into bed with the giddiness of a boy the night before Christmas. The door swings open and in walks Belanie dressed in a navy blue suit, holding a briefcase. I thought to myself okay why is she dressed like a flight attendant from Southwest? Then with the acting skills of a soft-core porn actress, Belanie blerts out“there has been a crime here…a sex crime!” Excuse me, what? She opens her briefcase and pulls out a container of cotton candy flavored powder and a brush. “I need to dust for prints to find out the facts!” I say “okay…sure” but in my mind I am thinking wtf is going on here? She begins tossing the powder all over my body. I mean alllll over…like she is breading a catfish. It was a big mess. As many of you know I am a diabetic, so at first I thought she might be trying to kill me. Then, I realized that nope she is just trying really hard to be sexy.  My eyes began to water as she brushed the pungent candy powder all over my pale 145 pound body. Halfway through the dusting she leans up as tells me “I’m dusting for prints!”  Ohhhh okay thanks for the update, I thought you lost your purity ring.  Belanie then does the hottest thing ever done in bedroom theatrics. She makes her way down to my nether regions and says “the crime has taken place here!” and blows the powder off my crotch; but does so with too much force. Pink dust flies back up into her eyes. “Ahhhhhh it burns, it really burns!” and runs to the bathroom to wash out her eye; leaving me naked in bed, looking like I was “antiqued” by an Umpa Lumpa. Five minutes later she returns and proclaims “you’re under arrest mister!” Under arrest? For what? For being raped with confection-it sugar? Wasn’t that the theme you were going for here? Belanie then handcuffs me to the bed post with furry handcuffs she purchased from the the sex party and yelps “I cant let this information leave this room, need to cover up the evidence!” And she hops on my crotch with the subtleness of a rodeo bull rider. We proceeded to have the weirdest sex ever. A more awkward minute passes, and the interegation ends. Belanie takes off my handcuffs and proclaims “looks like this case is closed!” and slams shut her briefcase and walks out. Thirty seconds later she comes back in, “So was that good or what? Never thought I could pull off something like that!” Well that much is true. Now if you would excuse me I need to take a shower to wash off the rest of this “evidence” and hopefully this memory from my brain. Also have you seen my insulin cause I think you just gave me Type 3 diabetes.

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