Stalking 101

I just want to let people out there who are stalkers know, that your stalking ain’t ever gonna work. No one finds your antics cute out there. Some of you fools are laughing and say yeah duh but you have been a stalker at one time. You crazy fuck. You know you have done it before. It’s a little easier this day and age to be a stalker. You can just hop on someone’s Facebook or Twitter to see what they are up to. But that’s the chump way of stalking. Back before the Internet and social media you had to do it old school. Put on some pants, grab some binoculars, a ski mask, camouflage V neck, maybe some deer antlers to fit in with the background; then drive down to Dairy Queen to see who she be with and what flavor she be lickin. Sometimes those 2 were one and the same. It was DIY stalking and we liked it! I’m just kidding I have never stalked anyone…I’m more of a pervert. But you weren’t able to hide behind a laptop, tablet, or phone when you were creepin. And stalking nowadays through social media is stupid because you don’t know how great that “moment” really was once they added photoshop, sepia, cropping, fade, chrome, and magic wand. Because what ya might think is your ex-girlfriend at a Rave, is actually her eating Sbarros at a food court…with her fatherless three year old son.  Its just all those bells and whistles made it look like she was on Ectasy having the time of her life.  Now you might know that if ya were an old school DIY stalker fool!
I’ve had some weirdo stalkers before. Even had one sneak into my apartment and try to cook me spaghetti. Turns out she made a mean Ragu and didn’t try to stab me so I let her stay and watch Step by Step with me. But maybe that leaned closer to a fatal attraction scenario…so I didn’t hold it against her…and then proceeded to date her for 6 months.
Stalking has never turned into a love story. Imagine how that would play out. Like you are at your wedding reception and someone asks “How did you two love birds meet?” Well kinda funny story. Teresa, here, my beautiful angel, used to hide in my moms vegetable garden and watch me thru the second story window at night. She was out there at 6pm every day for three weeks just staring up at me, making haunting off key owl noises. Can u make the owl noise again honey? “Hoo Hooo.” There it is! So cute! Anyways after 22 days of this I started thinking you know what…yeah. If this girl shows that kind of dedication to being a creep a leep then I bet she would show even more dedication at being a wonderful wife. Plus I have to say she looked pretty cute out in the garden with her face smeared in mud hiding in the pussy willows. The only slight problem we have here are TRUST issues. I can’t go out to pick up some milk or get a beer with the guys without her hiding behind a pillar or a stack of grapefruits. But she was a stalker so can’t hold that against her!  Right sweet cheeks! Get over here you!  It’s noogie time!

Dairy Queen – Nothing beats eating a Blizzard outside on a picnic table…by yourself…with no one to judge you anymore…after the divorce.
Rave – Before Spencer Gifts, this was the place to go to see some weird shit.
Sbarros – I don’t know bout you but I like my pizza to be sitting out in a window all day like a department store mannequin and then reheated 8 hours later and thrown on a paper plate half its size. That’s italian!
Ragu – The first time you realized your friend was poor was seeing this jar in his kitchen cabinet.

Step by Step – before you could drive a car and had a curfew you were forced to watch this with this terrible show with your family on Friday nights.

Pussy willows – Dandylions that grow on trees. Sounds like a “pussy” thing to do. Oh…right.

Noogie – Not to be confused with the hit Limp Bizkit song “Nookie.” But both will hurt your head and leave you feeling helpless and embarrassed just the same.


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