For Your Eye Only

I once dated this girl who had a lazy eye.  But in my defense her eye wasn’t that lazy when we first met okay. It got lazier the longer we dated. Think of it like when a person gains weight when they are in a relationship because they are comfortable and don’t need to attract a person anymore. Well in my case she kinda let her eye go.  By the time the relationship was over her eye was practically in her sock. It was so lazy the government was paying it unemployment for 2 years. Zing!  I swear to god it wasn’t lazy when we first started dating.  I think she knew how to angle her head just the right way, hide it behind her bangs and dinner menu so that I couldn’t tell. Used a lot of hand gestures and gaudy Montgomery Wards jewelry to deflect direct eye contact. Plus I think she was holding it straight with all her might.  Like some kind of Jed-Eye trick. Willing it up there where the left eye was. Because when you are trying to get a man, ladies will do anything to hide what they really look like. Fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake boobs, and in my case…straight eyes. Even if you have to prop it up with a toothpick. You do it and tell ’em it’s a new fashion trend you saw down at Urban Outfitters. You make that shit level yo.  After dating for 8 months it got so bad that even my friends would call her by her condition. One time I was at a bar shooting pool when my friend said “Hey Ryan, you still dating that cock-eyed bitch?”  Excuse me what? I mean how do you even answer that? Yup sure am thanks for asking!  Me and the cock eyed bitch have been dating for 2 years strong now. Who knows one day there might be little cock-eyed bitches running around.  Wouldn’t that be the cutest thing?  I’m just sayin.  When I look in her good eye I can sure see our future. The problem is when I look in her other eye I want her to grant me a wish. Or lead me to a hidden treasure under a bridge. So maybe I need to make a pro’s and cons list. Pro’s – woman. Cons – Googly eye. Hmmm

Montgomery Wards – The “Sloppy Seconds” of department stores.

Jed-Eye – see the way I changed the spelling from Jedi to Jed-Eye.  Pure genius.

Urban Outfitters – the go to place for the fashion elite.  If the fashion elite are wearing short sleeved wool sweaters with upside down coyotes on them.

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