Knock Knock. Who’s there? Blowjob

The lowest point ever in my life was in the year 2008. It took me awhile to think about my lowest point because there has been so much competition for that title throughout the years. In 2008 I was broke as a joke, literally, because the jokes I was telling on stage weren’t getting me paid. Don’t get me wrong I was getting gigs but not the kind that would pay the bills. Surprisingly it is hard to pay rent with a free drink ticket and a half off potato skins coupon. Those are low end bartering chips at best.
I had reached the point where I could no longer afford the studio apartment and indoor plumbing I had grown accustomed to over the past few years. I needed to downgrade. But I didn’t know what the downgrade from a studio apartment was. Janitor Closet? Baby Crib? Dog Crate? Actually I know now what the downgrade from a studio apartment is, because I did it. It’s living in the basement of your ex-girlfriend mother’s house. Yes. It is so fucked up that it takes a second to comprehend it and another stuttering minute to say it. You see at the time I was still kinda friends with my ex. I had mentioned to her my predicament at the local bowling lounge where I‘m guessing other equally shameful exchanges were happening. She immediately offered up her mom’s finished basement as a place to hang my fedora. Now let me go back for a minute and tell you that this same home burnt to the ground when she was a kid. And because the cost of rebuilding a house is extravagant, her brothers decided to roll up their arm hair sleeves and do it themselves. Of course they didn’t have experience, expertise, or knowledge in achieving such a task. But when did qualifications ever stop someone from Berwyn, IL. So to say the house is a bit crooked and off kilter is being mighty kind. It looks like Pee Wee’s Playhouse from the outside without the fun or wonderment inside. But seeing that it was 300 bucks a month who cares if the place makes you feel like you suffer from vertigo, right?  What I should of read from this “Friendship Groupon” was that she could randomly show up at my place at any given time. And boy oh boy did she. Usually when she was drunk late at night and trying to hook up with me. The story I am about to tell you is true to the best of my memory. I jotted down the events of the night shortly after they happened.
At around 2 am I had just come back from doing a show. I was settling down to a nice meal of Italian Wedding soup and open faced Oscar Meyer Bologna n’ mustard sandwich when my phone rang. It was my ex. I didn’t answer. It rang again. I panicked because I knew she was drunk and coming over to try and have her way with my rock hard chiseled body. I hid my soup n’ sand under the bed, turned out the lights and threw the blanket over my head. Maybe she would think I was asleep and not approach if the lights were off. Nope. Around 2:30 am she storms in. I scream What the hell are you doing here! “I was just gonna sneak in here real quiet and surprise you with a nice blowjob.” What?!?!?!?!!?!?  So in her mind she thought she was going to tiptoe into the basement like a ninja, remove my Star Wars fleece blankee, and execute the world’s greatest blowjob.  That’s Berwyn hospitality for ya. This is what really happened.
At 2:35 am I hear the loud thumping of warn out flip flops barging down the stairs. She swings the down open, but a little too abruptly, because it swings back and hits her in the face. Then she walks directly into the lamp, knocking it over, and shushes herself. I love that. When a person gets so drunk that they try to talk themselves down. (SHHHHHH, YOU ARE RUINING THIS FOR ME…ME!  SHHHHHH!) She picks up the lamp and then proceeds to fall over the couch and hit her knee. “AHHHHH, WHO PUT THAT THERE!” You did…3 years ago! Finally she steps on my cat’s food dish and Meow Mix sprays hysterically into the air and all over the floor, as she stumbles into my futon. I couldn’t of set up a better game of Mouse Trap if I tried. Could not of been better executed. Or for her I guess…poorly executed. She then asks me “Oh did I wake you?” Yes you woke me. The neighbor’s back porch light is on and there are 3 dogs barking outside. I am pretty sure you woke up the whole neighborhood Ninja Gaiden. The only thing you didn’t knock over in here is my bowl of Progresso soup. And that is the only thing going into either one of our mouths tonight. 2 minutes later she passes out on the couch with an open faced bologna sandwich hanging out of her mouth.  Ugh.  Who knew a soup can could make a real Italian Wedding come to life.

Fedora – Listen we know you are going bald. But is the right answer wearing the hat stylings of a leprechaun?
Groupon – A chance for you to go to that Greek Restaurant next to the DollarTree before it is shut down for having too much chest hair in its soup.
Mouse Trap – Set up a game of Jenga, solve the Rubix Cube, paint your bedroom, set a message in a bottle to sea, and you still will be trying to set up this goddamn stupid game to play.
Ninja Gaiden – Before this Nintendo game, ninjas were out of work, homeless folk hiding in the shadows, back flipping for scraps. After this game, ninjas were out of work homeless folk hiding in the shadows, back flipping for scraps.

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