I live in Chicago where there are a lot of homeless people. They are just as common as a rat or a deep dish pizza. You see them everywhere and you just expect it. But, what I can’t stand is when I’m in my car at a stop light and a bum is out there panhandling, walking slowly between the cars with a Wendy’s cup, trying to make deep eye contact with me. It makes me so uncomfortable that I pretend to look in my glovebox and backseat for something. Now where did that ( insert important fancy document here) go? I could of sworn it was right in the cup holder a minute ago. Did I leave it at the office I don’t work at? Uhhh, come on please sir walk past me already so I can stop feeling guilty for your jaundice!
Lets be honest folks, these bums might be homeless but they ain’t brainless. They know what they’re doing. They have us trapped in our cars at a red light with nowhere to go and want us to see them in all their stink and glory. Experience their leathered skin and plastic bag suitcases in close up HD. Okay jeez! Here’s 17 cents! Just stop looking at me like I’m the bank that foreclosed on your Townhouse!
I think the hobo’s main goal here is to make us feel like pieces of shit. Us, sitting there in our Prius, air condition blasting, eating a chili dog – No sorry I don’t have any money for you. I spent it all on what’s inside these Whole Foods bags. Hmmmm, You probably haven’t had whole foods or a whole lot of foods in awhile. And I’m sorry about that. I really am. But I’m sure things are gonna turn around for…light turned green got to go! Brrrrrrmmmmm!
They always have a sign with them too, written nicely in magic marker. I’m more impressed how they got these magic markers than what is written on them. Where did you get a magic marker from dear hobosapian? Is that why they are called magic? Because the markers suddenly appear in hobo hands out of thin air? I’m pretty sure they aren’t spending their daily begging change on office supplies. Havent seen any frequent hobo shoppers at Staples. Think a cheeseburger or an Olde English 800 is top priority. I guess we just have to chalk it up to another secrets of the hobo. Magicians and hobos never tell their secrets. How many times can I say the word hobo? It just slides of the fingertips so well. I’m sorry. Hobo.
I see this classic sign all the time – “Will Work for Food”. I find that a bit ironic. I thought the reason you need food is because you refused to work? But now I am supposed to believe that based on your cardboard resume that everything has changed? And that is such an open end request. Will work for food. Well what kind of work and what kind of food. Build a treehouse for a chimichanga? Paint a fence for a Toaster Strudel? Mow a lawn for a Fruit Roll Up? I mean what are your skills? What are you qualified to do? I know you are good at doing nothing. You have mastered that.
I wonder if anyone has taken a bum up on this offer. Like a guy at a stoplight rolls down his window – “Hello fine sir! Please get in the car! Here’s the story – The lady and I are going out for a romantic dinner and we need a babysitter. Now the baby’s formula is in the fridge. Need you to microwave it on high for 30 seconds and then check it on your wrist to make sure its not too hot before you give it. Remember to burp her after and get a gentle bubble bath started. Oh, she also goes to bed at 8 and is allergic to nuts. Your pay is 4 Cheetos. Think you can handle that okay?” There is poop in my pants. “Well there is poop in the babies pants too so why don’t you clean the boths of your bums off with some of these here baby wipes! I’m sorry…I did not mean to say bum in that way. Meant your…butt. Um, okay got to go and good luck! And please try not to rob us or start a garbage can fire in our living room.”
Wendy’s Cup – the prefect fast food cup for begging. Sturdy 2 ply plastic base support for heavy currency intake and a tappered top that prevents bending from constant nickel tossin bombardment. Wendy’s finest achievement.
Olde English – the preferred beer of your alcoholic dad. Comes in Big Gulp size to ensure daily beat downs from a man with an open robe.
Toaster Strudel – is that PopTart with sprinkles is too dainty for your meat mittens sissy pants? Try this heart snack attack. Best eaten lying on your side in a beanbag.
Fruit Roll Up – Hey guys I like my fruit like I like my women. Flat, beaten to a pulp, and suffocated with saran wrap. High Five!