It’s summertime once again and that means it’s time for shitty carnivals to roll into town and take your minimum wages. That’s right, all the same rides and shitty foods that nostalgia wanted to forget are back! These carnivals haven’t changed their tune or a rusty bolt since 1982. Even with the rise over the years of digital music, tablets, and HD TV, you can still count on your same dinky rides and fare at the fair. That’s right, we still got the Orbiter! The Super Slide! The Gravitron! Look out! You about to re-trigger your depression! And don’t forget The Zipper! How could I have forgotten the Zipper! So stupid I know! The amusement ride that has led to so many hilarious deaths. Chance of death is what makes good family fun! The Zipper! The only ride designed after the zigzagged metal that dangles from your Bugle boys.
Why their rides have not been upgraded or gone the way of the Teleidoscope is beyond me. All you can hope for on these mechanical nightmares is that you don’t end up with a concussion or internal bleeding. That means it was a good ride. You are alive.
And by the way who is the genius that decided a 1 inch metal bar hovered a foot above your nether regions is all the safety you need? Hmmmm. I think someone miscalculated the science of this. I mean we have automatic seat-belts in cars now. Airbags. Accident prevention that slams the brakes on your Saturn if you are about to run over a kid. But if I am going on a ride that goes upside down and corkscrews like an Angry Dragon, then all I get is a crowbar dangled loosely over my waist? Hmmm. But don’t worry, the guy that looks like he lives in a sewer gave me a thumbs up. “Oh, okay now I can rest assured that everything is gonna be alright. Thanks police sketch of a child molester.”
All these rides want to do is make you throw up. And to help you with that, the carnivals provide all the deep fried junk a heart attack needs. Corn dogs, elephant ears, cheese sticks, nachos, cotton candy, caramel corn. Shove all that into your fat face hole and then get on the Orbiter and watch your projectile vomit float in front of everyone’s sunken eyes. Oh gravity you little devil you! These rides scramble up your innards like a Contra code. Up up down down left right left ride B A! Congratulations you just unlocked everything you ate into your BVD underpants! Super Bonus Round! Ding Ding! You did it! Now go clean yourself up in the baby station degenerate!
I don’t know how they did it folks, but they found a way to make the employees scarier than the rides. I have never seen the likes of these freaks before. They look like they crawled out of a gas station toilet after years of neglect. I think when the carnival rolls into town, the Carnie Sheriff hands out applications underneath bridges, dark alleys, and Lower Wacker. Just sign your name with urine on the dotted line and here is a brown visor. You got the job! These gents should be plastered all over milk cartons because they are missing everything – teeth, toes, genes, and hygiene. It all went bye bye along with their dreams.
And they save the real winners to put by the games you win for crap prizes. Now their main job here is to insult you by commenting on your tie, shirt, girlfriend, momma, and two shoe-ness. And boy does it work because next thing you know, you are blowing 30 bucks trying to knock over a glued down bowling pin with a wiffle ball – just to win a giant sized pink panda made by 7 year old Chinese kid. I showed him!
The only relief you get at the Carnivals is down at the Port a Potties. Yup, sure is nothing like releasing a dump in a dark hot telephone booth with no windows. Sitting there and embracing the smell of a thousand people’s funnel cakes that have been deposited out of their thousand giant funnel holes. Breathe it all in while you work on that sudoko puzzle loser. But what ever you do, don’t look down below folks. Do not. Because that is where all the Carnie folk live. And well that is just darn rude . Don’t be a Peepin Tom to the fellas that robbed you of your manhood and good times.
The Zipper – It killed four people in 1977. Another 2 girls in 2006. All caused from compartment door swinging open mid-ride. Hmmm, I think I am gonna put my girlfriend on one this summer.
Bugle Boys – Company that made famous parachute pants and acid wash jeans. Yeah thanks for that.
Teleidoscope – A tube you look in that shows a couple colors and shapes mixed together. This is what people did for fun before the internet.
Contra Code – a code for an Nintendo game that gave you endless lives and triggered your Epilepsy.
BVD – underwear that your dad wears that he thinks is still cool and hip. Goes great with a pipe and blue balls.
Wiffle Ball – The ugly sister to badminton. A sport so sissy and stupid that even Nerf says “grow a pair.”
Peepin Tom – The first guy to take a look-see through the bushes as you sunbathe. Also the inventor of the glory hole.