So You’re Homeless…Great!

So you finally stopped working for the man. And this day and age who knows that man could be a woman. I don’t mean because he is a transgender. I mean because you could be working for a woman. As a boss. I know crazy times. I don’t get it either. Anyways lets get back to you losing your job at Subway. You talked back to a customer who didn’t appreciate your deli meat artistry and now you are on the streets. Well you are in luck because I am here to tell you how to not only survive but thrive as a homeless person. First I hope you remembered to rob the place blind on your way out of the joint. That means stuffing your pockets with salami and red onions to get you through the first 72 hours as a Hobo. If not, use the few bucks you have left and go down to the Dollar Tree and stock up on Fiddle Faddle. It’s the only snack that makes you feel like you are always at a party. Next you are gonna want to get a membership to a 24 hour Gym. “Say What? Why do I care about how firm my glutes are when I am homeless?” Listen, it is not to impress the toothless yokel down at the shit creek. This is your new homeless home. A 24 hour gym is a great place if you got no wheres to go. It never closes. You have a locker, a shower, a toilet, and a sink. All the things you need to make you look like a Number One Stunner. A Number One Hobo Stunner. Plus you get to watch cable tv! Catch yourself up on some classic Reba episodes! Sweet Mama J! And think about it, when you are at the gym half of the people are just standing around talking to one another. No one will know this is your crib. Where you lay your feather hat. All you have to do is get some scratch to pay your monthly fees. No prob. You got the best hygiene and looks that could be found under any bridge. I’m sure you can beg up 20 bucks a month sexy! Shake that sweat pant money maker down at the hot Stop Light Spot of your choice.
Now, now I know what you’re thinking… a man still has to eat right? Or wait you could be woman. If a woman can be a boss in this day and age then she can also be a homeless. No prob he or she. What you want to do is find out where the nearest Old Country Buffet in town is. But hold up, you are not going through the front door Sparky Johnson. You are going down the dark alley around to the back by the dumpsters. Tada! I just introduced you to the finest in Dumpster Dining. Pull up a milk crate because you are about to eat like a king. If a king considered Tuna Casserole and Beef a Roni the top of the food chain. Oh and also he lived in Cicero. And he was bat shit crazy. Or she. Or she. You see with Buffets no matter how much fat fucks try to test the “all you can eat” slogan, there is still going to be trays upon trays of food to throw out at the end of the day. And who better to reap the benefits than your fired at Subway Sandwich Artist ass. So lets wrap this all up in a nice police caution ribbon for you. Take a look at yourself. You are clean, well fed, well biceped, and caught up on all episodes of Reba. Sounds like you are doing better than when you had a home and job. Am I right? High Five! And it looks like that Sweet Tail in the Mossimo yoga pants is looking your way. Who knows…Dumpster Dining for two sir? Let’s pull up an extra milk crate. Bamm!


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