You see and experience weird shit as a kid growing up in Sarasota Florida- Gators, Rednecks, Shark Teeth necklaces. But the strangest thing my brainy thing remembers is going to a restaurant for my birthday on Siesta Key. It wasn’t any old run of the mill place to eat you see. This restaurant was magic. Literally. It was a magic themed restaurant. Back in the 80’s people were white glove deep into magic. They couldn’t get enough. A magician was the coolest profession a pal could get. And that profession came with a lot of benefits. And by benefits I’m talkin ladies folks -women, hussies, skanks, ragamuffins. Basically if you could pull a dove from your sleeve, your nights were spent in jacuzzis with floozies. But the magician fad died hard like a can of TaB. In the early 90s magic was replaced by Mc Hammer and The “Look Who’s Talking” trilogy. Sleight of hand just couldn’t compete with parachute pants and adult talkin babies. Fast forward even further to today and magicians have as much street cred as a sex offender. They are strangely similiar in how they try their darndest to invade your personal space and scar you for life.
Magicians must of never been held as children. The middle child always crying for attention it never received. Never important as the first born or the last born. The forgotten one. So when they got older they wanted to do something that would get every one lookin. And what gets everybody looking more than a rainbow handerchief that runs out of your coat pocket for days. Magicians need your approval and they beg ya for it. Very rarely do you GO SEE magic. It COMES TO YOU…uninvited. Whether you are at a bar, grocery store, Walgreens, Service Merchandise, or snorkling. A magician will come up beside ya and tap you on the shoulder. Hey drop what you are doing and look at me! I want to show you something! You have a quarter in your ear! TaDa! Hey I want to show you something else! Now think of a number between 1 and 10. Write it down on this napkin and I am going to chew it up and swallow it and then I will tell you what number you wrote down! Hey idiot I have something to show you too. It’s a restraining order. Okay? Now please step away from me and the fine people at Yogurt Daze. We came here to enjoy our sprinkles and Fruit Loop toppings in peace.
So now that we have established why magic is weird, let me go back and tell you about the magic themed restaurant I went to as a child. It was a peculiar fancy pants place called Magic Moment (page link below). My parents took me there because it was my birthday…and because they had a coupon for a free appetizer. You are probably wondering what a magic themed restaurant really means. Well it means you are in for a creepy night. Leading up to the restaurant was a curvy pebbled road surrounded by Party City Fog machines and goldfish ponds. It felt more like you were going to Count Chocula’s house than a Steak House. Once you arrived inside you were greeted kindly by a Trap Door! No sorry that was an illusion. It’s just a nice lady hostess in a bowtie and flip flops. She leads you through the dining room overlooking tableside waterfalls and fake hollow lava rock. Breathtaking. After you are seated a waiter appears out of thin air!!!! Or i mean by walking up to the table from the kitchen. After he introduces himself as Falcon or Blazer or Diamond he pulls your menus out of from under a handkerchief! Gadzooks! I just dropped a number 2 in my tiny O.p. shorts! My eyes can hardly believe it! Now hold up and wait a darn second. Lets cut the baloney. These waiters are trained magicians okay. By that I mean when they were 10 years old they bought a top hat and wand and practiced pulling dead pigeons out of their Windbreaker jackets. That path led them 30 years later to this “Magic Moment”. The waiter magician then…well lets just call him Wagician so it’s less typy. The Wagician takes your order and throws some whipper snappers to the ground and he is gone! Just 5 feet away to put your order in. Oh I forgot to tell ya the best part. All the menu items are also magic themed. You can get the Split in 2 Pea Soup, 4 of Turkey Clubs on Rye, Pick a steak any steak Chopped Steak, and Houdini’s Zucchini-stuffed in a bread bowl with no way out Dip. It is all just so so great folks. After you finish your entrees your waiter comes back and empties his Top Hat to impress you for a 15 percent tip. I’m talkin card tricks, fork disapperances, laser pointers on heads, bread suspiciously being buttered without a knife or seen hand, chair suddenly going wobbly, and of course removal of the table cloth while only breaking three plates. (Clap Clap Clap) I forgot to tell you it was my birthday so all the wagicians do a little something special. They unite in a circle and touch their magic wands tips together and (BAMMM!!!!). After the smoke clears you see a Hershey’s Kiss in a seashell with your name on it. Oh and all the wagicians died.
TaB – Diet soda made by Coca Cola named for keeping “tabs” on your weight. It also kept tabs on getting you cancer.
M.C. Hammer – I always wondered how he kept those 80’s style bifocals on his face while he danced. Then we all remember hearing he went bankrupt…and that he was an alien.
Look Who’s Talkin – John Travolta and Kirstie Alley. Well sign me up! And the babies talk? Well sign me up again! Wait now the animals are talking? Let me get a new piece of paper and a fresh pen because you know what I’m about to do.
Service Merchandise – I love that cassette deck. Let me just grab that and put it in my cart. “No no no sir that’s not how we do things here stupid. We got a system. You grab a mini golf pencil and a piece of scrap paper and write down the 9 digit code of the item. Then you go wait in a long line at the register and buy it. After that you go to the back of the store and wait in another line and give a crossed eyed degenerate your purchase receipt. He then hops on a fork lift, goes in the warehouse, and 37 minutes later your Zenith Cassette Deck comes out slowly on a a conveyor belt. And now sir you are right out the door…an hour late to pick up your kids from soccer practice. Enjoy!”
Party City – If your idea of a party is a “Homework Champ” ribbon and Gorilla mask then you just found heaven.
Count Chocula – The dracula with a chocolate fetish. Little known fact – he was also lactose intolerant. And a child predator.