Bullying for Bully’s Sake

Nowadays everybody is so accepting. Just be what you are and its okay. Everyone will love you.   Losers are cool, idiots are cute, and stupids are just alternative. Like a Harvey Danger kinda alternative. It is all okay. No one needs to feel bad anymore. Bullshit! Being what you are is not always okay. Sometimes its gross and affects others. By calling someone alternative just insures that person will end up wearing a chain wallet, dirty jeans and change your oil in 30 minutes or less. If someone would of told him he is not bright and got him help maybe he wouldn’t be eating Cup o’ Noodle on an inflatable chair every night.

The one thing that is not accepting anymore is a bully! Great, take away the one thing that still makes us all laugh…and glad it’s not us being picked on.  Sure I have been bullied before. Had my Nerf football taken from my arm nook and tossed back in forth between two lads while I screamed hysterically.  But when I was older I learned from their behavior and did the same thing to the next simpleton on my block with a soft sponge ball.  It’s the circle of life.  Plus, anyone with an older sibling has been bullied. It just happens.  If you have an older brother or sister who didn’t bully you, then he probably had no friends. That’s the only way he was nice to you…because he could not play Badminton by himself.   That’s just the truth.  And every 80’s movie you knew and loved had a bully in it, and that’s what made it great – Back to the Future, Back to School, Karate Kid.  Can you imagine Karate Kid without Johnny? It would of just been a sad movie about a teenager being raised by a single mom in a dirty apartment complex helping a small asian man clean a pee stained pool and snip tiny trees.  Danielson, snip on snip off!  I got to tell ya, that Johnny actor was the best. I guess his real name is William Zabka but he will always be Johnny.  He was the greatest I have ever seen at being a dick. He was so good at it, they put his same character in three other 80’s movies. With just a swoop of that feathered blond hair he could make any girl pass out and any nerd pee his pants. I tried to be him when I was a kid. I feathered my hair with a Sally’s Beauty Supply Blowdryer, wore a faux leather jacket, and kicked over a garbage can. But all I got was a week’s detention, swollen big toe, and dragged home from the ear by mom. I’m sure the girls thought it was hot.  They never told me or looked at me, but I think they thought I was pretty cool.

All I’m saying folks is we need bullies and we need people to make fun of, otherwise what else is there?  I need to look down on someone so I can feel better about myself ya know?  Bullies only makes you stronger…or destroy you.  It’s just like the food chain. You attack and eat the things that are smaller and more nerdy than you. Then later on in life that nerd  lifts weights, drinks protein shakes, and becomes an MMA fighter.  It all works out guys that’s what I’m saying!  Congrats bully!  You did it.  Made that man into the fearless machine he or she is today.  You should actually be thanked for your relentless stalking and harrassment.

Now cyber bullies can go bye bye. They are stupid…I mean alternative. They are just hiding behind their keyboard and Sunkist. It’s a bit tacky and lame and usually done by geeks with good computer skills and no arm hair.  That’s emotional bullying and it needs to go the way of the buffalo.  Unless it’s towards an ex-girlfriend who never gave you back your Babylon 5 Dvd box set.  I know you still have it Brenda.  You just wanted one last dig at Ry to make him hurt didn’t ya?  Probably sleep with it under your pillow every night with a big smile on your dumb face.  

Okay let’s wrap this up because I feel a good cry coming on.  Bullying is a past-time that is as sacred as Hot Dogs and Slap-Bracelets;  True American treasures. We need to keep passing the Bullying down to generations that will exceed us. Now, lets put our Bic lighters in the air and give respect to these high school dropouts so they can get back to what they do best, wedgies and pouring hot chili down the back of scrawny kid’s T-shirts. High Five!  I said High Five or you’re next Cargo Short Dork!

Harvey Danger – Is that the band with the singer that looks like a white Tracy Chapman?  Flagpole Sitta right?  What was that song about?  It’s so alternative that I don’t even understand.  So he sits on a flagpole?  Hmmmm, I will just play with this hacky sack, nod my head and roll up my jean shorts.

Badminton –  So I hit this thing called a shuttlecock that looks like a clown nose wearing a mini skirt. Yup. Why does it fly so slow through the air? Listen I was fucked up when I invented this okay?  Just pretend you like it and shut your dumb yapper.

Sally’s Beauty Supply – Before you knew how to put on makeup or where to buy real makeup, you bought your L.A. Looks styling gel here.

MMA Fighter – A bully’s finished masterpiece

Sunkist – The official drink of adults who still live at home with their parents

Babylon 5 – What is this?  Seriously what is this?  People watched this?  This is clearly a blatant rip-off of Star Trek.  Like a Walmart knock off brand some poor mom forced their kid to watch because they couldn’t afford to watch the real thing.  Goes down great with a Mountain Lightning Soda.

Mountain Lightning Soda – Child Abuse



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