Chili VaNilli

It’s fall season now and getting cold so everyone wants comfort food. They want that warm stick to your ribs grub. Like chili is real big now. Every year it swoops in and fills up hillbillies’ hearts and bellies. People are really weird about their chili too. Like everyone seems to have their own secret recipe, think their chili recipe is the best. Come on over here and taste this chili. Come on now! No one is leaving until they taste this here chili! You like that? That good chili?  I don’t care I got to get home to my child. You see the secret is I use a little Cream of Tartar in there. Just a pinch. And right at the end there I hit it with some Papa Dash! Pow! Give’s it the punch you need to make it delicious! Can you let go of my arm please you are hurting me.
Every season there are big chili cook-offs. Thousands of people show up in deserted strip malls everywhere to find out who is the new Chili Hero. Each competitor arrives in their supped up RV and pulls out their ladel to see whose the biggest – it’s a tense environment. Then the judges sit down in lawn chairs, dip their sporks in styrofoam bowls and listen to their taste buds tell them a story of the new Stove Top Chef. I don’t know why chili is best served in a styrofoam bowl either. Must be the carcinogens released from the squeaky bowl that brings out that rich tomato chunk flavor that keeps these tailgating idiots coming back for more.
I don’t get it folks. We are talking about tomatoes and ground chuck right? This isn’t some fancy gourmet dish. This is a meal that goes best with Ritz Crackers. It’s a side step to the Sloppy Joe. And this is what folks love and are competing for? If it is treated with such prestige then why am I putting it on my hot dog at the ball game?
Maybe I’m just angry because I hate chili. My mom used to make it for me as a child. She would start out by putting 27 cans of beans in a stove pot. Then stir it for half hour and add 33 more cans. Then I think she added NyQuil, because everyone passed out for couple hours after. I always thought it was disgusting; So heavy and thick. I could smell it as soon as I got home from school and instantly my stomach grumbled no please god no, not Mom’s chili again! I would sit at the dinner table moving it around with my spork trying to make it look like I ate it. Mom would make me stay there until I finished it all, so 3 hours later I would still be there while everyone was getting in their jammy jams. Those were some dark years folks. I spent half my childhood sitting at the dinner table while the kids played outside in the park enjoying their life. So sad.
Okay now so let’s take a good hard look at chili and break down its molecules. It normally consists of meat, bean, tomatoes, corn, and onions. Then you add just enough chili powder to give everyone chest pain. Hmmm, so you want my insides to fall to the outside my body right? Because this is going to destroy my digestive system – just wreck havoc on my belly. And why in this day is anybody eating this? Am I about to climb a mountain and fight a bear with my bare hands? Skin a buffalo and make a tent out of his skin? No, I’m going home to binge watch “Tiny House Big Living” and pet my cats. Then fall asleep sitting up with my mouth open. So, I don’t need the protein and calories of a Wilderman okay? And neither should you. Chili isn’t for this generation, or the last 4.

Hey, listen my bowel movements already look like chili. I don’t need to be putting this through my feeding hole. Eating chili with Crohn’s disease would be a terrible idea. My stomach would turn it into a hot black tar – just boiling hot tar. I could squat and pave my neighbor’s driveway after eating a bowl of chili. Save a lot of money having to go down to Menards. Just give Ry some chili and he will smooth out your gravel so you can put up a new basketball hoop for Johnny.

Cream of Tartar – What the hell is this? Cream of Tartar? It sounds dirty.  I don’t even like not cream of Tartar. Just the regular Tartar stuff. Not on my Catfish or stuck to my teeth enamel.

Papa Dash – Named after my real daddy, who left me when I was 4 months old.

Chili Hero – New Xbox game. Hit the A button to add some paprika. O button to throw in some garlic. X button to tell a racist joke. Now your chili is ready to go!

Tailgating – Big day tomorrow. Got to get up at 8 am for a football game that starts at 3 pm. So I need to load the RV and runs over to the stadium parking lot right now! Then once I am there I need to shove equal amounts of beer and food slop into my XXL jersey until I am blackout full and drunk to the point that I don’t even remember what happened in so said game.

Ritz Crackers – Cracker for the upper class. Comes in a beige sleeve that says hey we are also sexy! The cracker’s smooth surface is met with a ridged waist line that says I’m a big tease but I will put out. Spread some Skippy Peanut Butter on top of that thang and reach the heavens of deliciousness. Also good with cheese whiz.

Sloppy Joe – Before Sloppy Seconds there was a Sloppy Joe. He was just as dirty and didn’t give a fuck if some of him fell out of the bun and ruined your khakis.

NyQuil – I like mine on the rocks with a splash of Cola. Heard someone say it can be used as a cough syrup too. Whatever

Wilderman – Just a homeless person who prefers the forest preserves to the hustle and bustle of the city street livings.

Menards – Hey where can I get a weed wacker and a giant container of cheese balls that I will never be able to finish?


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