(High School picture of me letting everybody know what a real man looks like)
Men are so sensitive these days. Talking about their emotions and feelings. Openly sharing about their sadness and anxiety. Guys are crying in movies. What is going on? What happened to real men? Where did they go? I can’t seem to find them. Like my dad. Now that was a man. He only had one eye. I’m serious. His left eye was made of glass. He lost it in the war. Or it fell out in the backyard. I don’t know the backstory okay? But saying you lost it in the war sounds pretty cool. My dad’s eyelid would stay shut until noon each day before it slowly rose up like a sunrise. It was quite fun for me to watch on a Sunday brunch over French Toast. And guess what? In all my life he never told anyone he was missing an eye. Not me, not the mailman, not even a doctor. He just went on with his day like a two eyed man would! Sure everyone knew he had a glass eye because he crashed his car into our neighbor’s tree three times and the left side of his face was always unshaven, but no one said nothing and neither did he. He even had a chance to tell me he had a fake eye when he was on his death bed but he didn’t. The only confession he revealed to me on those last days was this…
He called me over to his rocking chair late that night, had me lean down real close, and whispered… you know, that Everybody Loves Raymond is a pretty good show. Not, Ryan I have been living with a deep secret my whole life. I have the same eye as a Montgomery Ward’s mannequin. No. He just wanted me to know that the family dynamic between Raymond and his mother gave him a tickle. Now that’s a man! Keep that deep shit inside you until your last dying day! That would never happen today. If a man lost their eye they probably would say I need a “One Eye Guy” Facebook support group to help cope with my condition. Or I need a documentary made to find out where my eye went. Think it went missing in 63. A nun took it while I was sleeping. Someone help me find my lost eye. Get a detective and a weird cousin to find it! Guys let’s start being men again! Grow a pair you sad sack of saps! My dad didn’t have a pair…of eyes that is. But that didn’t stop him from being a mediocre car salesman! Guys follow your dreams! Thats all I’m really trying to say here. Follow your dreams.
Rocking Chair – After you get over your beanbag stage, slide into this chair that makes you feel like your going places.
Everybody Loves Raymond – Dad you were right. That shit holds up. Your wisdom always helped guide me to the failure I am today.
Montgomery Ward’s – JcPenny’s younger sister that was laid out to pasture and put down with a shotgun.