Will the Real Billy Michellan Please Stand Up?


The first girlfriend I lived with was the one that got away. No Im kidding.  But we moved in together and signed a 15 month lease because we were in love. And by that I mean I couldn’t afford a place on my own so I said yeah sure, I love you baby. 15 months is a commitment. Some would say a sentence. But I was trying to do the broke, I mean right thing.  Sure I liked her, But I also liked the band Korn for awhile, so what does that say?

So the week after moving in with my girlfriend I celebrated by making out with another girl in a sports bar parking lot at 3am.  The place was called Sluggers and every Wednesday they had 4 dollar You Call Its. You call its is a nice way of saying bad shit is going to happen. It is just a matter of time. There has never been a good story that has come out of You Call It nights. Its not like someone has a couple glasses of wine and reads a book. No it is sloppy. Women are crying, men are yelling. There is toilet paper and broken glass all over the floors. Vomit in the bathroom sinks. Everything is wet.  Half the people are going home to a DUI.  I dont know why bars even have them.

Now there was a girl that I was working with at the time named Michelle and we would flirt and joke with each other from time to time. Just your normal run of the mill flirtation where, if we were ever out drinking together something might happen.  And if it was on You Call Its night then it’s guaranteed to happen.
So fast forward past that night past all the drunk fun. It’s 3am and we are making out and coping a feel back and forth when she says “oh my god, I cant be with my boyfriend anymore! I just cant be. I know now I was meant to be with you.” Woah, listen, Jagermeister is a demon and it has taken over your body and mind right now. Lets give in to her wants and needs now and we can get Caribou coffee and talk about the rest of our lives together tomorrow. So she game me her number and I put it in my phone; but I just couldn’t put Michelle in my phone because if she called or text my girlfriend might see and beat me with a broom. So I put in her name as Billy Michellan. That way my girlfriend would never know…
The next day turns around and I forget it was Saturday and I was going to the mall with my girlfriend. So around 1pm my phone starts blowing up and Billy Michellan is leaving all these voice mails saying “Where are you? I’m at Caribou Coffee right now sitting by the camp fire waiting for you!” I was getting nervous and my girlfriend saw my phone and asked “who is Billy Michellan? And why does he keep calling you?” Oh that is just a guy I work with…he left his hat in my car last night.  Now lets go to Sam Goody and get the new Limp Bizkit cd.  I heard it is rad.  “Wait why would a guy be calling you over and over about a hat?” Well it was a special hat, his Dad left it to him when He died.  It’s a trucker hat that says Kiss my Bass on it.He doesn’t like…to be without it. I was visibly sweating out Jager and probably Billy Michellan’s perfume and she just stared at me like she could see through the lies.  I couldn’t handle it anymore and I broke…
Okay, okay you got me alright!  It was 4 dollar you call its at Sluggers last night and they had chilled Jagermeiser. Chilled! And the jukebox kept playing Lifehouse– Hanging by a Moment and Billy Michellan, I mean Michelle kept touching my arm, but not like hey have you seen where Jeff went. But more like…we should get naked.  And then Billy Michellan and I went back to her Geo Tracker and my tongue fell into her throat, I dont know how. But it fell in…like a little boy in a well and couldn’t get out, for 20 minutes. It was stuck down there. Next thing I know I am looking up to see when Lifehouse might be coming to town and planning a trip to the Renaissance Fair with Billy Michellan and…I dont know why Sluggers would do that! 4 dollar you call its. How dare they!  Thats not right, it’s their fault and I think you should be mad at them and ask why they would do that to me.
So the next week I moved back in with my mom and never saw Billy Michellan, I mean Michelle, or that girlfriend again. But on the plus side, the next month I saw an intimate Lifehouse acoustic set at Walter Payton’s Roundhouse in Aurora.  So there is always that.

Korn – that Nu-Metal band you listen to while doing 5 pound dumbbell curls in your Lyons, Illinois apartment.

Sluggers – a neighborhood bar that specializes in getting you your first DUI and first STD

Coping a Feel – In the 80’s this is what sexual harassment was known as

Caribou Coffee – I like what you did in here.  Log cabin, fireplace, antlers, Josh Groban on a loop.  I could really lay down my hat for awhile in a place like this.  What’s that?  You went bankrupt?  Hmmm wow I am shocked.

Limp Bizkit – still holds up

Lifehouse – your Korn hangover leads you to this


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