I have enjoyed drinking coffee at Dunkin Donuts for the last 20 years. I still think for just pure coffee sake, it is the best you can get. But, I will also say that my experience inside Dunkin Donuts has been some of the worst in my life. You see Dunkin Donuts slogan is “America Runs On Dunkin.” That’s probably because if you ever sit down inside a Dunkin Donuts you will want to run…for your life.
No matter what Dunkin Donuts I have gone in, the people inside are insane. There is always one old man sitting by the window talking to himself, a couple of high schools dropouts looking like they are selling drugs, and a homeless man sleeping in his own drool. Just the other day while I was writing at DD, a man came in with a little shopping cart, sat down and started eating Chips Ahoy cookies. WTF? Then he got up, tapped me on the shoulder and offered me one. As if, perhaps he was being rude by eating food brought from home in front of me. Thanks person I never met before, but no thanks. My mom always taught me to never take candy from strangers, especially from strangers who store loose cookies in tiny shopping carts. But maybe I’m just an asshole…and a diabetic, so get out of here.
All the employees working at Dunkin are out of their minds too. They are real hood. And don’t care who knows it. They all have on their head walkie talkies for the drive-thru and in between taking orders they are yelling about their fucked up lives. Below is a real transcript taken from a Dunkin Donuts in the heart of Chicago…
Well, Bobby didn’t come home last night until 11:30. And I know he gets off his UPS shift at 10. He showed up with alcohol on his breath, smelling like Curves cologne. He only wears that Curves when he with some ho!
Huh? who dis screaming in my ear, hold up a second?!!?!? Three cream and no’s sugar? Ok I will mess that up fo sure! You want an Omwich with that? It’s like a breakfast sandwich but we don’t know how to make it or what dat is.
And so Bobby keep sayin the baby isn’t his. Well who’s baby is it then? You the only one I be fucking! I told him to get condoms but he spent his money on that new Xbox game instead. He better be here when the baby comes or I will rip his dick off and stuff it in his…
Why hello, would you like our new Fa la la latte? It’s made with hot Dean’s milk that has been sitting on top of our toaster oven all day so its nice n’ foamy and filled with bacteria. Or maybe you’d like a hash brown that is more of a hash gray? Okay please drive round.
Speaking of bacteria, my pink eye has gotten way worse Brenda. I can barely see the smoke outta my Parliaments. I tried to get into the minute clinic but dats some bullshit cause its sure don’t take no minute I had to wait…
Wait, wait a damn minute! What you say?!??! Oh I was still on speaker sorry, so thats a large Dunkachino, 6 munchkins and a boston creams.
Brenda get your ass over here and make dis order! I got to go feed Darryl in the car and put him to sleep. Brenda! Brenda!
Curves – cologne for the community college dropout in you
Omwich – more like Ommm which end of my body is this gonna explode out of me in the next 20 minutes
Dean’s Milk – goes great with Velveeta Shells n’ Cheese and a hot date
Parliaments – the cigarette with the recessed filter that stays tucked in the side of your mouth as you cradle your baby and finish eating your Star Crunch.
Dunkachino – Dick Vitale’s drink of choice – It’s awesome baby. A slam bam hunker dam Dunkarino! Woah baby, a slam wham jam to my tastebuds! How have I not had a heart attack already baby!
Munchkins – so this is an okay word to say still. Hmmm seems like it shouldn’t be but okay. Maybe midgetkins would be more polite.