House of CLANdrews


Let me just go out on a limb and say that my family is not going to leave any footprint in this world. I think we all know it and accept it. First off you have to get off the couch to leave a footprint. No one in my family is making moves…or money. Let’s start with me first. I have Diabetes, Crohn’s Disease, and don’t leave the house unless there is a fire. My sister has worked at a Puppy Shop for last 12 years selling Peanut Butter Cookies to Cocker Spaniels. My brother is 44 and still lives at home with my mother. And my mother just was denied a job at Aldi.  Thats my family folks.  This is Us. We should of been the hit NBC show portrayed.  Sounds binge worthy.
I was just in Scotland recently and my Aunt said to look up our heritage and family history. I said yeah lets look up the Andrews Clan historic rise! Are you kidding me? What would our crest look like? A man slipping on a banana peel?  A food stamp? Our family probably invented the food stamp. Where can we get some free shit? How are we supposed to pay for things if we sleep all day?
Our clan would not have lasted on Game of Thrones, I will tell ya that right now. We would not be competing for any Thrones. More like bones…to knaw on. A pigeon carcass to fight over with the buzzards. Or a piece of stale bread that rolled out of a wagon. Our jobs would be throwing the pee buckets out in the streets for the other families. Hey whose bucket is full? Pissers full? Give them to the Andrews family. Or throw it at them. Who cares.
My family wouldn’t be going to battle with anyone. If an enemy came into town we would be going…to hide under a carriage. Shhhh, be quiet and keep the pee buckets still. Still I say! The Andrews Clan would not win any war because we couldn’t afford the proper equipment. Our armor would be pleather and have irregular sleeves and buttons. We would have the only battle armor with loose buttons down the front. Our swords would come from Kmart and made of plastic. Be from the Sorta-ords Collection. Have no horses, just a broom stick with a horsey head at the front. We are galloping ourselves around in circles, making our own horse noises – Hee heee!!!!! Hee Heeee!!!! Ease up boy! Getting a-head of yourself there Hoofy! Settle down now!
There would be no House of Andrews. It would be Cardboard Box of Andrews. And even our cardboard box would be in foreclosure. “Sorry we got to take that from you now. Fifth Third Bank needs it back. We have to give it to this new family now, called Clan of Squatters.  Seem like nice folk.”  But my stick pillow is in there. Can I have it back?
No Mother of Dragons would be taking us out. Just mothers, with brooms, swatting us away from their produce along with the chickens. “Go on get ya damn Andrewsers! And empty my that there pee bucket!”

Cocker Spaniels – What the fuck are you?  You look like a trashy girl that just stepped out of the shower.  Your body looks like a bag of dry ramen noodles.  And you always look like you want to end your own life


This Is Us – Oh you haven’t seen it?  Gotta see it.  Don’t want to ruin anything for ya.  No spoilers.  Actually they spoil it all in the first episode so never mind

Food Stamp – The gold medal of the poor.

BuzzardsAre you dead yet?  Okay I will come back later and rip your insides to shreds. By the way how’s the family?  Kids good?  


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