Sally No Beauty Supply


Sally Beauty Supply is a nice place you guys.  If you find yourself looking for one, they are always at the end of the sad strip mall between Dollar Tree and Dress Barn. I think the beauty part in the name is a little bit presumptuous, because I have never seen any beauties in there. No sir. Lot of droop eyes, cleft chins, and foopa loopas – but no beauties that’s for sure. Sally’s is the kind of place you go when you can’t afford the CVS makeup. That face glitter little too pricey? Take it on down to Sally’s! Just don’t be surprised if the glitter leaves you with a sprinkle of Eczema.

My girlfriend went into Sally one time to get hair extensions because she is going bald and I have to say, these extensions didn’t look like any human hair I’ve seen. I think they just spray painted some possum hair yellow and stuck a chip clip at the end of it. She brought the extensions with us on vacation in Lake Geneva last year. She was walking around downtown looking at the boutiques with dead hair coming out all different sides of her head. Hair parted in the middle, on the side, underneath. She looked like an extra from a Mad Max movie. Look at that sexy mental patient trying on tie dye sea shell blouses.  So cute!  Then later on that night she washed her hair extensions in the sink and hung them on a hotel towel rack to dry. I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and almost had a heart attack when I saw the reflection of them in the mirror.  I screamed and peed all over the toilet seat. Thought a dirty hobo snuck into our hotel room. The next day she decided to throw them in the trash…along with our good time.

By the way the name of this store is Sally?  What?  Sally was a name we used growing up to call a sissy. A dork sissy boy was a Sally. Hey look at that Sally in the jean shorts pulled up past his bellybutton eating fish sticks. What a Sally! Hey Sally how are those fish sticks!!! They good with that tartar sauce there Sally?  We got him good guys!

I will admit I went in to a Sally Beauty Supply one time when I was 20 years and bought some LA Looks hair gel. It was $3.99 for a gallon of it. Thats the only way they sold it – by the gallon. Like gasoline. It came with a ladel attached and you scooped a goop out and slapped it on your noggin. Then you strutted around all day in your Starter Jacket looking like you got licked by a camel. That LA Looks gel never worked. Think that’s  because it’s half water half motor oil. Leaves that nice shine on your head that makes all the ladies go Uhhhhh no thanks. You look like a Sous chef at Olive Garden. LA Looks is a tad bit much with the name don’t ya think? It’s more like Minnesota or Indiana Looks. That’s the looks you’re getting. There is no LA Looks coming out no matter how deep you dive into that tub of goo. But I will say LA Looks is trying.  They now have different styles of gels to choose from so you are not locked down to just looking like a pedifile. They have LA Looks Spikes, LA Looks Curls, and LA Looks Welfare. The welfare one is pretty good. The bottle comes empty and you just pretend to put gel in your hair. Goes great with your lady’s possum extensions.

Lake Geneva – Chicago vacation spot for the people who can’t afford Door County or Wisconsin Dells

Hobo – Jolly fun word for a person’s life who has drifted down the gutter.  Where ironically is the same place where you drink your water

Fish Sticks –  Tuesday Night.  Pouring rain outside.  Kids crying.  Bills piling up.  Husband won’t talk to you.  It’s time for Gorton’s Fish Sticks.  And now everything is bliss

Starter Jacket – the starter to you not having a girlfriend


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