Hand Me Down Writings

My handwriting is terrible.  Barely legible.  I was good at writing in cursive.  Got an A in that in third grade and made sure everybody knew about it.  Especially Sally Thurman.  Yeah you may have got an A+ in math but I got an A in Cursive!  Suck it!  I think I was good at Cursive  because it keeps you in the game.  Your hand never leaves the page when you are writing, so you get in a rhythm.  With regular handwriting you have all this starting and stopping.  My left handedness can’t work up a proper sweat.  He can not get “in the zone.”  And because of this my handwriting suffers dramatically.  It looks like I wrote it from my deathbed at hospice. I can barely even read my own writing. I hate when I mail something and have to write the address on the envelope. I’m worried it is going to arrive at the wrong place. And I can’t write a proper number 9 for the life of me. Whenever I am at my bank the Teller will say, “Is this supposed to be a letter g, a number 2, or did you throw in a game of Hangman at the end of this deposit slip?”

Writing was so elegant back in the day. Now we just type on a computer or our phones. In old times people would dip a feather in some ink and swoop their words around the page like a ballerina. Then they would seal their letter with hot candle wax and have it delivered by a carrier via horseback. I bet you didn’t get many drunk messages back then. Wasn’t worth the time. Can you imagine if some of the things you texted or wrote on someone’s “wall” today arrived in a candle wax sealed envelope, on a scroll, written with a feather?  This party is cray, Bobby put his penis in the fruit punch!  I want to lick, lick, lick you from your head to your toes!  Hurry up and get here so i can get my freak on!  signed PerkyTits242, Date – last April. Oh okay that distant memory sounded like fun. I better write back.

Dear PerkyTits242,

I am sorry to say that I am not going to be able to make it three months ago, the party sounded bananas. Maybe one of these days we will find a better way to hook up. But, I wil have you know that I have enclosed a dick pic of my nether regions to help keep you warm on these cold winter nights.

Yours truly,




Have you seen the commercials for the new Subway sandwich? It’s called the Fritos Chicken Enchilada. It shows all these people running around town singing about how someone put potato chips on their sub. First off, chicken enchilada is not a sandwich or sub. It’s a delicious Mexican entree. But leave it to America to put it between some bread, add mayo and mustard, and throw some chips on it. You’re welcome Mexico! We destroyed your traditional meal and found a way to make it even more unhealthy! And I’m sorry, but I don’t want a restaurant putting chips on my sandwich. That is a sad lonely decision I like to make myself, sitting alone on a Saturday afternoon. No one has returned my phone calls, sitting in dirty sweatpants, and I think, I am gonna throw these cheetos on top of my salami because even my mouth ain’t doing much today!

And Subway, of all the chips, you choose Fritos? Regular bland old Fritos? Fritos are the worst chip out there. They are like the Washington Generals of the snack world. Never good. They look like an old lady’s shriveled up pinky toe and taste like salt and bad times. That’s why people are trying to put them with other food items, they can’t cut it on their own. They remind me of the kid at the end of the block who had no friends, that your mom made you play with. Me – “But mom do we have to? He smells and is weird looking!” Mom – “Listen, he doesn’t have anyone else, you take him with you and be nice!” “Okay but if Doritos are at the park, I am pretending I do not know him.”

I think people are putting Fritos into other things because they are trying to hide it from their taste buds. Like the most famous dish, Chili Fritos Pie. I could see a person thinking, you know what would make these fritos taste good? If I covered them with cheese, beans, meat, and tomatoes. That way I won’t taste them. It’s the same thing as hiding your dog’s medicine in human food slop to get him to eat it.

If Fritos was a dog, I think it’s time we put it down like Old Yeller and take it out of its misery. Take a bullet to its awkward curvy crunchy body.   “Come here boy, it’s okay, I am just gonna dip you in some guacamole.” Bang!!! Now lets dig a hole and throw you in the pile with Crystal Pepsi, Zima, and Heinz Ketchup Chips. Throw some dirt on top, pat it down, and good riddance.


I think some of this social media stuff is getting ridiculous. I know I am telling you about this through social media, but hear me out. Nowadays everyone is important and has a say about something. Gross. It is not right. There are people out there who shouldn’t have a say. Why??? Because they are crazy, uneducated, inbred, or not right in the head. They should not be allowed to have a say or access to these sites. There should be at least a test or a few questions that a person must go through before they have a say. Something simple like this – Are you racist? Did you sleep with your sister? And if the answer to either of those is yes then you don’t get to tell me your feelings on the new Waffle Cone Blizzard at Dairy Queen or how many “tomatoes” you gave Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2. I have applied for shitty jobs at Walmart, Caribou Coffee, Rock Bottom etc. and they all had me take an assessment test. An assessment test is around 70 questions that you answer, so they can see if you if you are a good person or not. I never got a phone call back from one of these establishments. They pretty much thought I was a piece of shit scumbag. So basically, what our society is saying is any hillbilly, sex offender, and pedophile can cyberbully you or say your restaurant sucks all over the internet, but you have to prove your a man of value and honor to make minimum wage, wear a blue vest, and stock pears on a shelf? Doesn’t sound like we got our priorities straight. I can sleep well tonight knowing the man who sold me Diet Mountain Lightning soda is not going to be struck down by lightning for prior mistakes. Makes the soda that much more artifically sweet going down.

It’s everything and everyone nowadays. Share your experience with anything you do! Guess what folks most of the things you do are not that important and actually pretty boring. We don’t need to hear about it. Now even fast food places like Dunkin Donuts and KFC are asking us to tell our story! How did you eat and drink that partner! Tell us about your dunkin adventure!  Um…I’m sitting in a strip mall parking lot, in front of a Dress Barn, with a box of munchkins between my thighs, drinking a Dunkaccino out of a Styrofoam cup. Is that something I should share with you? You want that story? I mean who even serves drinks in styrofoam cups anymore. That is the biggest fuck you to recycling. The only other times I am drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup is at an AA meeting or VFW Hall. You want to hear those stories too? They are just as glamourous. You want a real fun story walk into a Dunkin Donuts and eat there. As soon as you open the door a bell goes off signaling hi, I have given up. Good luck ordering cause English is a second, third, and sometimes fourth language there and it’s more broken than your parents’ marriage. They dont even listen to you when you order. They just wait for a pause and then say cream and sugar. “Can I get a chocolate glaze donut.” “Cream and sugar?” “No a donut.” “Cream and sugar? “”A chocolate glaze donut, I am pointing at!” “CREAM AND SUGAR? “”Yes why dont you pour cream and sugar on it, throw it in a bag, and punch me in the face with it. Because that is how I am gonna feel after I eat this.” And do me a favor folks, sit down and enjoy the ambiance of the Double D. You got the pair of goth teenagers cutting class and themselves with the complimentary plastic knives, the homeless man who snuck in so he could talk to himself and play checkers with the sweet n low, and don’t forget about the old crazy military vet who is always there making weird noises with his throat and giving you the death stare. Is this the story you want me to blast all over the internet Dunkin Donuts?