Geriatric Vigilantes

We need to stop with these old washed up action heroes still trying to save the world and go vigilante on a whole country. Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are still pumping out movies every year that show them kicking ass the same way they did in the 80’s. All these guys are in their mid 60’s in age now. I have a hard time believing Bruce Willis can use a Motorola Sidekick, let alone sidekick a ninja through a glass plate door.

Now these elders have awoken the tomb of Kiefer Sutherland. Another “24” season just came out and he’s gonna save the world for the 10th time. From what? Arthritis? Gingivitis? I think those are the only two things left that he hasn’t punched in the face yet.

I blame this epidemic on Pat Morita. Yes, the old grey hair janitor of a rundown apartment complex that made a young white boy into his personal slave. Go back and watch either of the first two Karate Kids and you will see a senior citizen taking down kung-fu fighters with a simple tap to the belly or a low kick to the shins. The impact of his hits would only make sense if the enemies were hooked up to circus wires. They fly backwards, spin in the air, and defy gravity, as only the 80’s would allow. Pat Morita has led these “old timer” action heroes to think, I still got some ass whoopin left in these liver spots!

Have you seen any of the Expendables movies? They are embarrassing. Sure I love to see all the heroes from my childhood together again to fight Middle Eastern stereotypes but I wish they would of thought of this 20 years ago when it was believable. Now they are all trying to hide behind CGI explosions and bad stunt doubles. I mean Sylvester Stallone can’t even turn his neck anymore. Seriously. He has to turn his whole body if he wants to talk to you. This guy’s whole body is messed up. He walks around like he’s a puppet from the “Team America” movie. And I hate to say this, but those puppets seem more human. All you would have to do to knock out Stallone, is take one step to the left and hit him over the head with a piece of Styrofoam. Game Over. And who are we are supposed to believe this group of “Expendables” are saving us from? I mean, is the enemy Don Rickles? Did he steal all the grapefruit spoons from a retirement home in Florida? Come on!

If you “Action Heroes” are that desperate for money, I will gladly send a check for 11 bucks to each of you a month in place of the money that would go to see your movie. I would rather do that then send my money to a malnourished child in Somalia. The image of a “Bullet to the Head 2″ would be much worse to my eyes than a kid sitting in a mud hole, covered in ants, trying to eat the flys that are trying to eat him. I think a lot of you out there would agree.

Hand Me Down Writings

My handwriting is terrible.  Barely legible.  I was good at writing in cursive.  Got an A in that in third grade and made sure everybody knew about it.  Especially Sally Thurman.  Yeah you may have got an A+ in math but I got an A in Cursive!  Suck it!  I think I was good at Cursive  because it keeps you in the game.  Your hand never leaves the page when you are writing, so you get in a rhythm.  With regular handwriting you have all this starting and stopping.  My left handedness can’t work up a proper sweat.  He can not get “in the zone.”  And because of this my handwriting suffers dramatically.  It looks like I wrote it from my deathbed at hospice. I can barely even read my own writing. I hate when I mail something and have to write the address on the envelope. I’m worried it is going to arrive at the wrong place. And I can’t write a proper number 9 for the life of me. Whenever I am at my bank the Teller will say, “Is this supposed to be a letter g, a number 2, or did you throw in a game of Hangman at the end of this deposit slip?”

Writing was so elegant back in the day. Now we just type on a computer or our phones. In old times people would dip a feather in some ink and swoop their words around the page like a ballerina. Then they would seal their letter with hot candle wax and have it delivered by a carrier via horseback. I bet you didn’t get many drunk messages back then. Wasn’t worth the time. Can you imagine if some of the things you texted or wrote on someone’s “wall” today arrived in a candle wax sealed envelope, on a scroll, written with a feather?  This party is cray, Bobby put his penis in the fruit punch!  I want to lick, lick, lick you from your head to your toes!  Hurry up and get here so i can get my freak on!  signed PerkyTits242, Date – last April. Oh okay that distant memory sounded like fun. I better write back.

Dear PerkyTits242,

I am sorry to say that I am not going to be able to make it three months ago, the party sounded bananas. Maybe one of these days we will find a better way to hook up. But, I wil have you know that I have enclosed a dick pic of my nether regions to help keep you warm on these cold winter nights.

Yours truly,




Have you seen the commercials for the new Subway sandwich? It’s called the Fritos Chicken Enchilada. It shows all these people running around town singing about how someone put potato chips on their sub. First off, chicken enchilada is not a sandwich or sub. It’s a delicious Mexican entree. But leave it to America to put it between some bread, add mayo and mustard, and throw some chips on it. You’re welcome Mexico! We destroyed your traditional meal and found a way to make it even more unhealthy! And I’m sorry, but I don’t want a restaurant putting chips on my sandwich. That is a sad lonely decision I like to make myself, sitting alone on a Saturday afternoon. No one has returned my phone calls, sitting in dirty sweatpants, and I think, I am gonna throw these cheetos on top of my salami because even my mouth ain’t doing much today!

And Subway, of all the chips, you choose Fritos? Regular bland old Fritos? Fritos are the worst chip out there. They are like the Washington Generals of the snack world. Never good. They look like an old lady’s shriveled up pinky toe and taste like salt and bad times. That’s why people are trying to put them with other food items, they can’t cut it on their own. They remind me of the kid at the end of the block who had no friends, that your mom made you play with. Me – “But mom do we have to? He smells and is weird looking!” Mom – “Listen, he doesn’t have anyone else, you take him with you and be nice!” “Okay but if Doritos are at the park, I am pretending I do not know him.”

I think people are putting Fritos into other things because they are trying to hide it from their taste buds. Like the most famous dish, Chili Fritos Pie. I could see a person thinking, you know what would make these fritos taste good? If I covered them with cheese, beans, meat, and tomatoes. That way I won’t taste them. It’s the same thing as hiding your dog’s medicine in human food slop to get him to eat it.

If Fritos was a dog, I think it’s time we put it down like Old Yeller and take it out of its misery. Take a bullet to its awkward curvy crunchy body.   “Come here boy, it’s okay, I am just gonna dip you in some guacamole.” Bang!!! Now lets dig a hole and throw you in the pile with Crystal Pepsi, Zima, and Heinz Ketchup Chips. Throw some dirt on top, pat it down, and good riddance.