I think some of this social media stuff is getting ridiculous. I know I am telling you about this through social media, but hear me out. Nowadays everyone is important and has a say about something. Gross. It is not right. There are people out there who shouldn’t have a say. Why??? Because they are crazy, uneducated, inbred, or not right in the head. They should not be allowed to have a say or access to these sites. There should be at least a test or a few questions that a person must go through before they have a say. Something simple like this – Are you racist? Did you sleep with your sister? And if the answer to either of those is yes then you don’t get to tell me your feelings on the new Waffle Cone Blizzard at Dairy Queen or how many “tomatoes” you gave Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2. I have applied for shitty jobs at Walmart, Caribou Coffee, Rock Bottom etc. and they all had me take an assessment test. An assessment test is around 70 questions that you answer, so they can see if you if you are a good person or not. I never got a phone call back from one of these establishments. They pretty much thought I was a piece of shit scumbag. So basically, what our society is saying is any hillbilly, sex offender, and pedophile can cyberbully you or say your restaurant sucks all over the internet, but you have to prove your a man of value and honor to make minimum wage, wear a blue vest, and stock pears on a shelf? Doesn’t sound like we got our priorities straight. I can sleep well tonight knowing the man who sold me Diet Mountain Lightning soda is not going to be struck down by lightning for prior mistakes. Makes the soda that much more artifically sweet going down.
It’s everything and everyone nowadays. Share your experience with anything you do! Guess what folks most of the things you do are not that important and actually pretty boring. We don’t need to hear about it. Now even fast food places like Dunkin Donuts and KFC are asking us to tell our story! How did you eat and drink that partner! Tell us about your dunkin adventure! Um…I’m sitting in a strip mall parking lot, in front of a Dress Barn, with a box of munchkins between my thighs, drinking a Dunkaccino out of a Styrofoam cup. Is that something I should share with you? You want that story? I mean who even serves drinks in styrofoam cups anymore. That is the biggest fuck you to recycling. The only other times I am drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup is at an AA meeting or VFW Hall. You want to hear those stories too? They are just as glamourous. You want a real fun story walk into a Dunkin Donuts and eat there. As soon as you open the door a bell goes off signaling hi, I have given up. Good luck ordering cause English is a second, third, and sometimes fourth language there and it’s more broken than your parents’ marriage. They dont even listen to you when you order. They just wait for a pause and then say cream and sugar. “Can I get a chocolate glaze donut.” “Cream and sugar?” “No a donut.” “Cream and sugar? “”A chocolate glaze donut, I am pointing at!” “CREAM AND SUGAR? “”Yes why dont you pour cream and sugar on it, throw it in a bag, and punch me in the face with it. Because that is how I am gonna feel after I eat this.” And do me a favor folks, sit down and enjoy the ambiance of the Double D. You got the pair of goth teenagers cutting class and themselves with the complimentary plastic knives, the homeless man who snuck in so he could talk to himself and play checkers with the sweet n low, and don’t forget about the old crazy military vet who is always there making weird noises with his throat and giving you the death stare. Is this the story you want me to blast all over the internet Dunkin Donuts?
I always see these commercials for Golden Corral saying, “why spend upwards of 20s of dollars on shrimp and steak when you can have both of these, and endless butterscotch pudding all for around 10 dollars!” They always make a point to mention, get all this crap for around 10 dollars. Around 10 dollars? Well what is it. You have been saying this for years. Is it 10 dollars? More than? Less? Can you figure it out by now please? Around is a very lazy way of pricing things. Is this a restaurant or a flea market? Are we arounding up or arounding down? The only reason I ask is because I have around 5 kids and around one wife to feed. So if we could figure this out before I drag them in the Dodge Dakota and promise them the finest in cafeteria style land and sea creations? What kind of cash register do they have there with this arounda system? Is it just a slot machine where ya pull the lever and see what numbers come up? 9-9-9-crawfish. Did I win? “Yes you won this mediocre all you can eat buffet the size of an Olympic swimming pool! Grab a spork and fill up your trough with as much chum that suits your tum!”
A couple years ago they added an item to the menu, the endless chocolate fountain. I can see the president of Golden Corral pacing back and forth in his office, “Hmmm, we have cornered the market on the blandest food this side of a freezer door, but I still think these fat degenerates need a closer. And by that I mean, their belly’s gravitating closer to the ground. I know, lets make a waterfall of chocolate that folks can dip bananas, brownies, and face in. And In turn this choco-fall will form a river of diarrhea that will flow out of their sad assholes for days.”
You would think an endless flowing chocolate fountain would be enough for the shameful patrons innards to swim in, but no. That’s because I saw a recent Golden Corral commercial that started out with this, “Just when you thought Golden Corral could not top themselves, they have topped themselves! With just two words.” Then the camera spins over to an 80 year lady saying “COTTON CANDY”. Okay…first off, if you are 80 years old and not only eating cotton candy but excited about it…then there is a problem. You also probably don’t have much time left on this earth, eating a spool of whipped sugar on a stick. And thanks Golden Corral for bringing the food reserved for carnivals to the family dinner table. Can I also throw a baseball at a bell to dunk a man while I eat this? Why half ass this experience?
Golden Corral is trying to do something nice though. They have a place called Camp Corral where kids of crazy disabled military vets can go hang out with other scarred children for a week. And they are doing it all for around the price of free. Sounds great! Camp Corral! Sending them to a corral. Do you actually know what a corral is? It’s a pen where you keep livestock such as cattle and pigs in. Hey vets thanks for giving up your leg and eye in battle. Boy do we have a treat for your family. We are sending your kids to a farm where they will be treated like animals ready for slaughter. Yay! It’s a fat camp, literally. They will make your kid heavy set by feeding them high calorie slop and then they will mysteriously disappear. That’s how Golden Corral really keeps that endless amount of food all for around 10 bucks. You’re eating children people! Disfigured vet’s children. Hmmm, Should I dip Corndog Timmy in a little chocolate or honey mustard. How bout both as a salute to his purple heart medaled daddy. This one is for you Peg Leg Jimbo!
I want to start out by saying that I love cole slaw. The only thing I don’t love about cole slaw is the portion size. Like, why is it so small? Why do I only get a little on the side? Stop teasing me. I want a salad entree size portion of it. Let me get all up in it; it is kind of sad how much I like it. My love really comes out when I am out to dinner with a lady, she might say, “Oh look they have a Buttermilk soaked Ribeye with an apple brandy chutney.” To which I might reply,“that sounds nice but if you turn the menu over, and scan towards the bottom near the kids meals, you will see that they have cole slaw! Did you see that? Must be a really good restaurant.” So now that we have established my love for this item, let me go into what happened to me the other week. I was at the restaurant Smoke Daddy’s in Wicker Park. I always get the pulled pork nachos, and of course, the cole slaw. Well, the food arrives and I look at the cole slaw and it just doesnt look right. The portion size is less than normal, it looks dry, and it looks like they called this one in. I instantly push it away and decide I am not having it. The waiter comes over and I tell her, “hey I’m sorry but I am not really feeling this cole slaw right now. It’s just not right.” She replies,“well whats the problem? Not enough dressing? Is it dry?” “Listen, its not enough dressing, portion size is off, I just want to get something else okay? Can I just get the collard greens?” “Of course.” I thought that would be the end of it. A few minutes later the manager comes over and chimes in “So I heard we had a little problem over here with the cole slaw, is that right?” “Oh its no big deal. It just wasnt good today.” “Not enough dressing? Was it lacking some dressing?” “Its really no big deal. The collard greens are wonderful, they really hit the spot. Great use of the olive oil on it. Really nice touch.” “Okay well anything else I can do please dont hesitate to ask.” So I go back to eating my nachos, and the waiter comes back and interrupts, “excuse me sir but the manager just wants me to let you know if you decide you want another cole slaw, he can whip up a fresh batch just to your liking, no problem.” This I reply, “seriously we are fine over here, you are too kind.” At that point I”m like, we got to get the hell out of here, this is getting a little too uncomfortable for me. So we wrap up our food to go, and on the way out when we see the manager by the door, before we can make it out her says,“again our deepest apologies about the cole slaw.” So at this point I”m like, are they fucking with me? Are you guys fucking with me? Are they all in the back laughing and talking about me? Like the chef is saying, “hey guys here’s a new one for ya! Fucking guy returned the cole slaw! The cole slaw! The balls on this guy! What is he gonna return the parsley next? What a sissy! Not enough mayonaise or string carrots on your shredded cabbage Prince? Is that it baby. Sorry our cole slaw doesnt meet your standards! I must of been too busy slow cooking this pork for 14 hours to keep an eye on a side dish that is commonly served with a SPORK and even cast aside by patrons at Lohn John Silvers. I will make sure all our low end side items are up to the highest standards in case your cargo shorts and Mossimo V-neck ever grace our presence again.”
So basically I can never go back there. Great