I work at night so I watch a lot of daytime television. Not only do the shows suck but the commercials are even worse. Just a bunch of local access and low budget crap. The worst I have seen are the commercials for Wild Turkey Kentucky bourbon. I am well into my 30’s now and in all my years I have never seen any advertising of Wild Turkey…anywhere. The only memory I have of Wild Turkey is seeing it in my parent’s liquor cabinet when I was a kid. It was half empty, sitting in the back corner collecting dust, shunned from the others. My family moved around a lot when I was a kid and we got rid of a lot of furniture, clothes, and appliances, but we never got rid of the Wild Turkey. It always traveled with us to every crappy suburb we moved to. Why? Because I guess you never know when you might need a Wild Turkey night. Lost your job, middle of a divorce, erectile dysfunction…lets pop open the Wild Turkey. I remember seeing that bottle even when I was kid and knowing this was not a good thing to drink. First off, they provide a 101 proof Wild Turkey. That’s a good idea. Let’s get the anger started fast and furious. I don’t want any middle ground between the tears and punches.  Also there is a dirty mean turkey on the front of a bottle. This turkey looks like he has been beating up bitches and chain smoking cigarettes all day. Don’t mess with this turk jerk. Who is this drink tailored to?  Seriously? Well I am happy to say I finally found out last Tuesday midway through watching another knee slappin episode of Judge Mathis. Just as the Judge was going to break, a commercial fades in to a bartender leaning over the bar flirting with a girl. Then the other bartender yells “Hey, new customer!” and the camera pans over to show this seedy bald headed man wearing a leather jacket sit down at the bar. I mean this guy looks like he has been beating up bitches and chain smoking cigarettes all day. So the bartender who is “all smiles” looks over and sees this guy and his face goes into full shock. “I aint going over there!” The head bartender replies “Just give him the bird!” “No way man!” “Fine I will do it!” He walks over and grabs a bottle of Wild Turkey and pours the shady guy a drink. The man looks up and nods his head. End of commercial. So after all these years of not knowing what angle or kind of person this liquor is geared for, we find out its focused squarely on mob hit men? That’s a very small cornered market they are expecting to keep their bourbon afloat. “Hey buddy rough day at the office? Need to come down after that busy night of gagging men and stuffing women in a trunk? Here have a glass of 101 proof Wild Turkey! This will help relax the hate in your heart! Give em’ the bird! or end up in a body bag, I guess is the rest of that sentence. Finally an alcoholic drink for people who are already prone to violence.  Nice.  Let’s bring this Turkey home to Grandma for the holidays.  “Hi everyone!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Just want everyone to know I brought along a drink that is going to bring out the worst in all of us!  Aunt May grab some glasses and little Timmy you call 911.” 

Here is a link to the commercial – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R4ATnbrGr4


Dead Cat


I thought my cat was dead last night. I was watching Con Air on my futon I purchased from Big Lots when I looked over at my cat sitting next me. He was turned over laying on his back with his paws straight in the air and his mouth wide open looking like “The exorcism of Emily Rose.” I poked him a couple times in the chest and he didnt respond. I thought oh shit my cat is dead. He is dead. Now, I wasn’t so much sad as I was mad. Like why do you have to die now. Its 2:30 in the morning and Im tired and I just want to finish watching Nicholas Cage blow up some stuff in a tank top. Couldn’t you of waited till tomorrow round noon when I already had my coffee and watched my 5th Sportscenter in a row? I think I would be fresh enough to deal with a dead cat situation by that time. Plus I dont know what to do if this happens. I have never had a cat die. Not sure what goes next. Like is there a proper precedure to follow? Is there a quick drop at the animal hospital like they had at blockbuster, where i can just put him into a Target bag and toss him in with a post-it that says “dead cat.” Or is the dumpster behind my apartment okay? I’m pretty sure dead guys are tossed in there all the time, its Chicago, so why not a dead cat. No that can’t right. Maybe there is a guy who you call. Like a shady guy who takes care of your dead domestic pets who has a cool name like “The “Extinguisher.” He shows up in a leather jacket and dark sunglasses eating a tube of salami and stuffs your cat in a Jansport backpack, gives you a wink, and off he goes in his Geo Tracker. No, no there has to be a standard procedure that you have to follow. There is a procedure to everything these days. You can’t just do something the way you want anymore. You got to follow a set of rules or guidelines. Even ordering a sandwich at Subway. You can’t just say I want ham. They are like “Sir you order over there, this is the bathroom.” Then you have to tell them in the correct order what bread you want, what cheese, want toasted? Then and only then, can you safely move on to the condiments. “Can we get this over with please? I should be eating ham by now.” Try ordering out of this detailed procedure and you will see the sandwich artist’s brain explode. “He told me what cheese he wanted before which bread. What’s happening? Don’t feel well, I need to sit down.” That’s not his fault though because Subway goes by a procedure. Where the hell was I.  All this talk of sandwiches and salami can really work ya up an appetite.  Oh right, dead cat.  So basically what I’m getting at is if there’s a procedure even for grey processed deli meats then you better believe there will be one for a dead cat.

All of these thoughts go on in my head for ten minutes until finally I decide I’m just gonna pretend it didnt happen. I didnt see it. He’s fine. Just had a long day. Little tuckered out from napping all day. I’ll sleep on it and figure it out in the morning. Just gonna put a newspaper over him and go back to watching long haired Nicholas Cage. Just when I am about to put the business section over his cute little dead face he wakes up startled and looks at me. And he looks at me like he knows. “You were just going to put that newspaper over my face like I’m dead werent ya? Hope I’d just disappear when you lift up the paper in the morning!” Then he started licking his claws. “Well just wait till you fall asleep tonight bro.  Should of gotten me declawed when you had the chance.” Too bad you spent that money on a wolverine snuggie instead. Now you’re screwed. Beause these claws are real. They aint no comic book bullshit!”  Yay you’re alive!  Let’s go get some Subway!





A couple of years ago I moved to Naperville to further distance myself from past mistakes and start again new. Naperville, Illinois seemed a likely candidate because it was just far enough away that no one wanted to go or visit unless they had a court hearing. They live a little different out in Naperville. The streets are clean, people are nice, and they have a saturation of apartment complexes to fit any poor comedian’s budget. This story is not about a town though, it is about a store that I found out there that quickly became my favorite of all time. You see there has been this empty void in my life ever since Venture went out of business in the early 90s and I have searched high and low for a department store to come in and sweep me off my new balance sneakered feets.   I am happy to say we can all relax now because that store is Big Lots! What a wonder this place is. It is a store that thrives by taking the discontinued items that other shops have thrown the way of the dumpsters, digs them out, and sells them to ya for 25 cents less. Wonder what happened to Nabisco’s line of OreNos? The first oreo with no cream center. Big Lots! Has your teenage son been begging you to buy Xbox’s exciting non smash hit game “Kazoo Hero.” B-I-G-L-O-T-S.

The great thing about this place is nothing is stocked properly either. There is more structure at a landfill. Jars of pickled eggs are lying on tampons. Motor oil is leaking on raw chicken. It is quite fun because when you do find something, and I do mean find. It is quite an accomplishment. I can only imagine the same feeling as being the kid who finds the orange flag under the pudding filled kiddie pool on “Double Dare.” What a great moment. And please parents make sure you buy your kids toys here. Because all the toys that were recalled for being to harmful to children have been swept up and thrown in aisle 9 of Big Lots! Like Fisher Price’s Talkin Tommy Urinal Cake. No  children do not eat this cake or touch it with your hands! “Hey kids would ya, could ya pee on me and I will sing you a melody!” Or Cabbage patch kids line of “He’s in a better place now” Coffin Babies. “Mommy why are my doll’s eyes Xs?”

Larry the Cable Guy has a line of skillet meals there too. I’m not kidding.  Finally! I always wanted to look the shape and health of Larry the Cable Guy. You know, like you woke up in a ditch outside a Waffle House after an all night bender. Now ya can! His line of “Get Er Done” meals will have you saying get er, I mean me to the hospital in no time. I recommend trying the Saltine Breaded Catfish Cass“ER”ole. Just add ketchup, paper plate, and sleeveless jean jacket and you will be living every young boy’s dream. (Spork included in box)

I think the people who work at Big Lots have been discontinued too…from every job and life experience. They wont put a smile on your face, because they cant put a smile on theirs. They scan each of your items like it is taking years off of their lives. By the time they get to telling ya what you owe, you want to say “I’m sorry” and give them a hug.

If you want to experience the wonderness of a Big Lots, they will be located in a strip mall between a Dress Barn and Shoe Carnival. They do that so your whole day will be mapped out for ya.  You’re welcome.