Hey guess what? Go Fuck Yo-Self!


I’m done being nice to people. I’m sick of it. There are just too many shitty people out there who have ruined it for me. I don’t want to help anyone and I don’t want your help. The other day two kids were playing catch as I was walking to get coffee and the ball rolled right in front of me. And guess what, I let it roll right by and kept walking.  Fuck you kids! Go get your own goddamn ball Billy and learn how to catch better. You will never make the team so give up that dream right now!  Listen, I didn’t have a father to play catch with. I had to play catch with a brick wall in a dirty alley.  That was my father.  A brick wall.  At least that wall was there for me.  Son of a bitch!

The other day my friend’s mother was at our house painting with her little shitty mutt and she told him that I didn’t say hi to her. Ohhhhhhhh so sorry.  Yeah, I didn’t. Fuck you!  You ain’t my mother! My mother doesn’t get a hi from me so why should you! Leave me alone! I got a stomach that won’t digest and Type 1 Diabetes. Does it look like I want to roll your baseball back or say hi to your mother?  No!  And tell your dog he sucks at being a mutt.  The lowest form of dog, and he sucks at it!

My girlfriend said why don’t you ever touch or hold me. Hey listen! I was never held okay? My mom didn’t cradle me in her arms or hold my hand to comfort me, so you don’t get it either. Sit on your side of the couch and hold your dog while we watch Philadelphia. Oh I got Aids boo hoo. Sorry but that is how life is.  At least your disease got a movie!  And with the great Tom Hanks.  All diabetes got was an infomercial with the Quaker Oats guy.  Wow thanks!  You guys really care!

Listen, when I was 4 years old someone smeared shit on a toilet seat in a Zayre’s department store and I sat in it, okay?  And I am still angry about it!  It haunts my days and nights.  I’m still looking for that motherfucker! If I find ya I’m gonna kill ya. Stab ya in your shit smearing heart and watch every ounce of you bleed out. I’m looking for you! Get the word out! You know who you are and I’m coming bro.

Mutt – the dollar store of dogs.  Sorry but momma works at the Waffle House so it’s this or a hamster.  Now go get Mamma’s Pall Malls

Philadelphia – great date movie.  Pass the popcorn!  I am sure to get laid after this!

Quaker Oats Guy – Wilford Brimley.  Thanks for all your help.  Your giant mustache and apathetic attitude created huge waves in the advancement of diabetes treatment.  Nope. Go fuck yourself!

Zayre – Just like K-mart but with even less expectations.  Also see – ruined my life!

Will the Real Billy Michellan Please Stand Up?


The first girlfriend I lived with was the one that got away. No Im kidding.  But we moved in together and signed a 15 month lease because we were in love. And by that I mean I couldn’t afford a place on my own so I said yeah sure, I love you baby. 15 months is a commitment. Some would say a sentence. But I was trying to do the broke, I mean right thing.  Sure I liked her, But I also liked the band Korn for awhile, so what does that say?

So the week after moving in with my girlfriend I celebrated by making out with another girl in a sports bar parking lot at 3am.  The place was called Sluggers and every Wednesday they had 4 dollar You Call Its. You call its is a nice way of saying bad shit is going to happen. It is just a matter of time. There has never been a good story that has come out of You Call It nights. Its not like someone has a couple glasses of wine and reads a book. No it is sloppy. Women are crying, men are yelling. There is toilet paper and broken glass all over the floors. Vomit in the bathroom sinks. Everything is wet.  Half the people are going home to a DUI.  I dont know why bars even have them.

Now there was a girl that I was working with at the time named Michelle and we would flirt and joke with each other from time to time. Just your normal run of the mill flirtation where, if we were ever out drinking together something might happen.  And if it was on You Call Its night then it’s guaranteed to happen.
So fast forward past that night past all the drunk fun. It’s 3am and we are making out and coping a feel back and forth when she says “oh my god, I cant be with my boyfriend anymore! I just cant be. I know now I was meant to be with you.” Woah, listen, Jagermeister is a demon and it has taken over your body and mind right now. Lets give in to her wants and needs now and we can get Caribou coffee and talk about the rest of our lives together tomorrow. So she game me her number and I put it in my phone; but I just couldn’t put Michelle in my phone because if she called or text my girlfriend might see and beat me with a broom. So I put in her name as Billy Michellan. That way my girlfriend would never know…
The next day turns around and I forget it was Saturday and I was going to the mall with my girlfriend. So around 1pm my phone starts blowing up and Billy Michellan is leaving all these voice mails saying “Where are you? I’m at Caribou Coffee right now sitting by the camp fire waiting for you!” I was getting nervous and my girlfriend saw my phone and asked “who is Billy Michellan? And why does he keep calling you?” Oh that is just a guy I work with…he left his hat in my car last night.  Now lets go to Sam Goody and get the new Limp Bizkit cd.  I heard it is rad.  “Wait why would a guy be calling you over and over about a hat?” Well it was a special hat, his Dad left it to him when He died.  It’s a trucker hat that says Kiss my Bass on it.He doesn’t like…to be without it. I was visibly sweating out Jager and probably Billy Michellan’s perfume and she just stared at me like she could see through the lies.  I couldn’t handle it anymore and I broke…
Okay, okay you got me alright!  It was 4 dollar you call its at Sluggers last night and they had chilled Jagermeiser. Chilled! And the jukebox kept playing Lifehouse– Hanging by a Moment and Billy Michellan, I mean Michelle kept touching my arm, but not like hey have you seen where Jeff went. But more like…we should get naked.  And then Billy Michellan and I went back to her Geo Tracker and my tongue fell into her throat, I dont know how. But it fell in…like a little boy in a well and couldn’t get out, for 20 minutes. It was stuck down there. Next thing I know I am looking up to see when Lifehouse might be coming to town and planning a trip to the Renaissance Fair with Billy Michellan and…I dont know why Sluggers would do that! 4 dollar you call its. How dare they!  Thats not right, it’s their fault and I think you should be mad at them and ask why they would do that to me.
So the next week I moved back in with my mom and never saw Billy Michellan, I mean Michelle, or that girlfriend again. But on the plus side, the next month I saw an intimate Lifehouse acoustic set at Walter Payton’s Roundhouse in Aurora.  So there is always that.

Korn – that Nu-Metal band you listen to while doing 5 pound dumbbell curls in your Lyons, Illinois apartment.

Sluggers – a neighborhood bar that specializes in getting you your first DUI and first STD

Coping a Feel – In the 80’s this is what sexual harassment was known as

Caribou Coffee – I like what you did in here.  Log cabin, fireplace, antlers, Josh Groban on a loop.  I could really lay down my hat for awhile in a place like this.  What’s that?  You went bankrupt?  Hmmm wow I am shocked.

Limp Bizkit – still holds up

Lifehouse – your Korn hangover leads you to this

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?


(High School picture of me letting everybody know what a real man looks like)

Men are so sensitive these days. Talking about their emotions and feelings. Openly sharing about their sadness and anxiety.  Guys are crying in movies. What is going on?  What happened to real men? Where did they go? I can’t seem to find them. Like my dad. Now that was a man. He only had one eye. I’m serious. His left eye was made of glass. He lost it in the war.  Or it fell out in the backyard.  I don’t know the backstory okay?  But saying you lost it in the war sounds pretty cool. My dad’s eyelid would stay shut until noon each day before it slowly rose up like a sunrise. It was quite fun for me to watch on a Sunday brunch over French Toast.  And guess what?  In all my life he never told anyone he was missing an eye.  Not me, not the mailman, not even a doctor.  He just went on with his day like a two eyed man would! Sure everyone knew he had a glass eye because he crashed his car into our neighbor’s tree three times and the left side of his face was always unshaven, but no one said nothing and neither did he. He even had a chance to tell me he had a fake eye when he was on his death bed but he didn’t. The only confession he revealed to me on those last days was this…

He called me over to his rocking chair late that night, had me lean down real close, and whispered… you know, that Everybody Loves Raymond is a pretty good show.  Not, Ryan I have been living with a deep secret my whole life. I have the same eye as a Montgomery Ward’s mannequin. No. He just wanted me to know that the family dynamic between Raymond and his mother gave him a tickle. Now that’s a man! Keep that deep shit inside you until your last dying day!  That would never happen today.  If a man lost their eye they probably would say I need a “One Eye Guy” Facebook support group to help cope with my condition. Or I need a documentary made to find out where my eye went. Think it went missing in 63. A nun took it while I was sleeping. Someone help me find my lost eye. Get a detective and a weird cousin to find it! Guys let’s start being men again! Grow a pair you sad sack of saps! My dad didn’t have a pair…of eyes that is. But that didn’t stop him from being a mediocre car salesman! Guys follow your dreams! Thats all I’m really trying to say here. Follow your dreams.

Rocking Chair – After you get over your beanbag stage, slide into this chair that makes you feel like your going places.

Everybody Loves Raymond – Dad you were right.  That shit holds up.  Your wisdom always helped guide me to the failure I am today.

Montgomery Ward’s – JcPenny’s younger sister that was laid out to pasture and put down with a shotgun.