I’m done being nice to people. I’m sick of it. There are just too many shitty people out there who have ruined it for me. I don’t want to help anyone and I don’t want your help. The other day two kids were playing catch as I was walking to get coffee and the ball rolled right in front of me. And guess what, I let it roll right by and kept walking. Fuck you kids! Go get your own goddamn ball Billy and learn how to catch better. You will never make the team so give up that dream right now! Listen, I didn’t have a father to play catch with. I had to play catch with a brick wall in a dirty alley. That was my father. A brick wall. At least that wall was there for me. Son of a bitch!
The other day my friend’s mother was at our house painting with her little shitty mutt and she told him that I didn’t say hi to her. Ohhhhhhhh so sorry. Yeah, I didn’t. Fuck you! You ain’t my mother! My mother doesn’t get a hi from me so why should you! Leave me alone! I got a stomach that won’t digest and Type 1 Diabetes. Does it look like I want to roll your baseball back or say hi to your mother? No! And tell your dog he sucks at being a mutt. The lowest form of dog, and he sucks at it!
My girlfriend said why don’t you ever touch or hold me. Hey listen! I was never held okay? My mom didn’t cradle me in her arms or hold my hand to comfort me, so you don’t get it either. Sit on your side of the couch and hold your dog while we watch Philadelphia. Oh I got Aids boo hoo. Sorry but that is how life is. At least your disease got a movie! And with the great Tom Hanks. All diabetes got was an infomercial with the Quaker Oats guy. Wow thanks! You guys really care!
Listen, when I was 4 years old someone smeared shit on a toilet seat in a Zayre’s department store and I sat in it, okay? And I am still angry about it! It haunts my days and nights. I’m still looking for that motherfucker! If I find ya I’m gonna kill ya. Stab ya in your shit smearing heart and watch every ounce of you bleed out. I’m looking for you! Get the word out! You know who you are and I’m coming bro.
Mutt – the dollar store of dogs. Sorry but momma works at the Waffle House so it’s this or a hamster. Now go get Mamma’s Pall Malls
Philadelphia – great date movie. Pass the popcorn! I am sure to get laid after this!
Quaker Oats Guy – Wilford Brimley. Thanks for all your help. Your giant mustache and apathetic attitude created huge waves in the advancement of diabetes treatment. Nope. Go fuck yourself!
Zayre – Just like K-mart but with even less expectations. Also see – ruined my life!