Bullying for Bully’s Sake

Nowadays everybody is so accepting. Just be what you are and its okay. Everyone will love you.   Losers are cool, idiots are cute, and stupids are just alternative. Like a Harvey Danger kinda alternative. It is all okay. No one needs to feel bad anymore. Bullshit! Being what you are is not always okay. Sometimes its gross and affects others. By calling someone alternative just insures that person will end up wearing a chain wallet, dirty jeans and change your oil in 30 minutes or less. If someone would of told him he is not bright and got him help maybe he wouldn’t be eating Cup o’ Noodle on an inflatable chair every night.

The one thing that is not accepting anymore is a bully! Great, take away the one thing that still makes us all laugh…and glad it’s not us being picked on.  Sure I have been bullied before. Had my Nerf football taken from my arm nook and tossed back in forth between two lads while I screamed hysterically.  But when I was older I learned from their behavior and did the same thing to the next simpleton on my block with a soft sponge ball.  It’s the circle of life.  Plus, anyone with an older sibling has been bullied. It just happens.  If you have an older brother or sister who didn’t bully you, then he probably had no friends. That’s the only way he was nice to you…because he could not play Badminton by himself.   That’s just the truth.  And every 80’s movie you knew and loved had a bully in it, and that’s what made it great – Back to the Future, Back to School, Karate Kid.  Can you imagine Karate Kid without Johnny? It would of just been a sad movie about a teenager being raised by a single mom in a dirty apartment complex helping a small asian man clean a pee stained pool and snip tiny trees.  Danielson, snip on snip off!  I got to tell ya, that Johnny actor was the best. I guess his real name is William Zabka but he will always be Johnny.  He was the greatest I have ever seen at being a dick. He was so good at it, they put his same character in three other 80’s movies. With just a swoop of that feathered blond hair he could make any girl pass out and any nerd pee his pants. I tried to be him when I was a kid. I feathered my hair with a Sally’s Beauty Supply Blowdryer, wore a faux leather jacket, and kicked over a garbage can. But all I got was a week’s detention, swollen big toe, and dragged home from the ear by mom. I’m sure the girls thought it was hot.  They never told me or looked at me, but I think they thought I was pretty cool.

All I’m saying folks is we need bullies and we need people to make fun of, otherwise what else is there?  I need to look down on someone so I can feel better about myself ya know?  Bullies only makes you stronger…or destroy you.  It’s just like the food chain. You attack and eat the things that are smaller and more nerdy than you. Then later on in life that nerd  lifts weights, drinks protein shakes, and becomes an MMA fighter.  It all works out guys that’s what I’m saying!  Congrats bully!  You did it.  Made that man into the fearless machine he or she is today.  You should actually be thanked for your relentless stalking and harrassment.

Now cyber bullies can go bye bye. They are stupid…I mean alternative. They are just hiding behind their keyboard and Sunkist. It’s a bit tacky and lame and usually done by geeks with good computer skills and no arm hair.  That’s emotional bullying and it needs to go the way of the buffalo.  Unless it’s towards an ex-girlfriend who never gave you back your Babylon 5 Dvd box set.  I know you still have it Brenda.  You just wanted one last dig at Ry to make him hurt didn’t ya?  Probably sleep with it under your pillow every night with a big smile on your dumb face.  

Okay let’s wrap this up because I feel a good cry coming on.  Bullying is a past-time that is as sacred as Hot Dogs and Slap-Bracelets;  True American treasures. We need to keep passing the Bullying down to generations that will exceed us. Now, lets put our Bic lighters in the air and give respect to these high school dropouts so they can get back to what they do best, wedgies and pouring hot chili down the back of scrawny kid’s T-shirts. High Five!  I said High Five or you’re next Cargo Short Dork!

Harvey Danger – Is that the band with the singer that looks like a white Tracy Chapman?  Flagpole Sitta right?  What was that song about?  It’s so alternative that I don’t even understand.  So he sits on a flagpole?  Hmmmm, I will just play with this hacky sack, nod my head and roll up my jean shorts.

Badminton –  So I hit this thing called a shuttlecock that looks like a clown nose wearing a mini skirt. Yup. Why does it fly so slow through the air? Listen I was fucked up when I invented this okay?  Just pretend you like it and shut your dumb yapper.

Sally’s Beauty Supply – Before you knew how to put on makeup or where to buy real makeup, you bought your L.A. Looks styling gel here.

MMA Fighter – A bully’s finished masterpiece

Sunkist – The official drink of adults who still live at home with their parents

Babylon 5 – What is this?  Seriously what is this?  People watched this?  This is clearly a blatant rip-off of Star Trek.  Like a Walmart knock off brand some poor mom forced their kid to watch because they couldn’t afford to watch the real thing.  Goes down great with a Mountain Lightning Soda.

Mountain Lightning Soda – Child Abuse


Uh Oh It’s Magic!!!!!


You see and experience weird shit as a kid growing up in Sarasota Florida- Gators, Rednecks, Shark Teeth necklaces.  But the strangest thing my brainy thing remembers is going to a restaurant for my birthday on Siesta Key.  It wasn’t any old run of the mill place to eat you see.  This restaurant was magic.  Literally.   It was a magic themed restaurant.  Back in the 80’s people were white glove deep into magic.  They couldn’t get enough.  A magician was the coolest profession a pal could get.  And that profession came with a lot of benefits.  And by benefits I’m talkin ladies folks -women, hussies, skanks, ragamuffins.  Basically if you could pull a dove from your sleeve, your nights were spent in jacuzzis with floozies.  But the magician fad died hard like a can of TaB.  In the early 90s magic was replaced by Mc Hammer and The “Look Who’s Talking” trilogy.  Sleight of hand just couldn’t compete with parachute pants and adult talkin babies.  Fast forward even further to today and magicians have as much street cred as a sex offender.  They are strangely similiar in how they try their darndest to invade your personal space and scar you for life.

Magicians must of never been held as children.  The middle child always crying for attention it never received.  Never important as the first born or the last born.  The forgotten one.  So when they got older they wanted to do something that would get every one lookin.  And what gets everybody looking more than a rainbow handerchief that runs out of your coat pocket for days.  Magicians need your approval and they beg ya for it.  Very rarely do you GO SEE magic.  It COMES TO YOU…uninvited.  Whether you are at a bar, grocery store, Walgreens, Service Merchandise, or snorkling.  A magician will come up beside ya and tap you on the shoulder.  Hey drop what you are doing and look at me!  I want to show you something!  You have a quarter in your ear!  TaDa!  Hey I want to show you something else!  Now think of a number between 1 and 10.  Write it down on this napkin and I am going to chew it up and swallow it and then I will tell you what number you wrote down!  Hey idiot I have something to show you too.  It’s a restraining order.  Okay?  Now please step away from me and the fine people at Yogurt Daze.  We came here to enjoy our sprinkles and Fruit Loop toppings in peace.

So now that we have established why magic is weird, let me go back and tell you about the magic themed restaurant I went to as a child.  It was a peculiar fancy pants place called Magic Moment (page link below).  My parents took me there because it was my birthday…and because they had a coupon for a free appetizer. You are probably wondering what a magic themed restaurant really means.  Well it means you are in for a creepy night.  Leading up to the restaurant was a curvy pebbled road surrounded by Party City Fog machines and goldfish ponds.  It felt more like you were going to Count Chocula’s house than a Steak House.  Once you arrived inside you were greeted kindly by a Trap Door!  No sorry that was an illusion.  It’s just a nice lady hostess in a bowtie and flip flops.  She leads you through the dining room overlooking tableside waterfalls and fake hollow lava rock.  Breathtaking.  After you are seated a waiter appears out of thin air!!!!  Or i mean by walking up to the table from the kitchen.  After he introduces himself as Falcon or Blazer or Diamond he pulls your menus out of from under a handkerchief!  Gadzooks!  I just dropped a number 2 in my tiny O.p. shorts!  My eyes can hardly believe it!  Now hold up and wait a darn second.  Lets cut the baloney.  These waiters are trained magicians okay.  By that I mean when they were 10 years old they bought a top hat and wand and practiced pulling dead pigeons out of their Windbreaker jackets.  That path led them 30 years later to this “Magic Moment”.  The waiter magician then…well lets just call him Wagician so it’s less typy.  The Wagician takes your order and throws some whipper snappers to the ground and he is gone!  Just 5 feet away to put your order in.  Oh I forgot to tell ya the best part. All the menu items are also magic themed.  You can get the Split in 2 Pea Soup, 4 of Turkey Clubs on Rye, Pick a steak any steak Chopped Steak, and Houdini’s Zucchini-stuffed in a bread bowl with no way out Dip.  It is all just so so great folks.  After you finish your entrees your waiter comes back and empties his Top Hat to impress you for a 15 percent tip.  I’m talkin card tricks, fork disapperances, laser pointers on heads, bread suspiciously being buttered without a knife or seen hand, chair suddenly going wobbly, and of course removal of the table cloth while only breaking three plates. (Clap Clap Clap)  I forgot to tell you it was my birthday so all the wagicians do a little something special.  They unite in a circle and touch their magic wands tips together and (BAMMM!!!!).  After the smoke clears you see a Hershey’s Kiss in a seashell with your name on it.  Oh and all the wagicians died.

TaB – Diet soda made by Coca Cola named for keeping “tabs” on your weight.  It also kept tabs on getting you cancer.

M.C. Hammer – I always wondered how he kept those 80’s style bifocals on his face while he danced.  Then we all remember hearing he went bankrupt…and that he was an alien.

Look Who’s Talkin –  John Travolta and Kirstie Alley.  Well sign me up!  And the babies talk?  Well sign me up again!  Wait now the animals are talking?  Let me get a new piece of paper and a fresh pen because you know what I’m about to do.

Service Merchandise – I love that cassette deck.  Let me just grab that and put it in my cart.  “No no no sir that’s not how we do things here stupid.  We got a system.  You grab a mini golf pencil and a piece of scrap paper and write down the 9 digit code of the item.  Then you go wait in a long line at the register and buy it.  After that you go to the back of the store and wait in another line and give a crossed eyed degenerate your purchase receipt.  He then hops on a fork lift, goes in the warehouse, and 37 minutes later your Zenith Cassette Deck comes out slowly on a a conveyor belt.  And now sir you are right out the door…an hour late to pick up your kids from soccer practice.  Enjoy!”

Party City – If your idea of a party is a “Homework Champ” ribbon and Gorilla mask then you just found heaven.

Count Chocula – The dracula with a chocolate fetish.  Little known fact – he was also lactose intolerant.  And a child predator.

* http://www.ibmring81.com/Newsletters/Feb_2008.pdf

So You’re Homeless…Great!

So you finally stopped working for the man. And this day and age who knows that man could be a woman. I don’t mean because he is a transgender. I mean because you could be working for a woman. As a boss. I know crazy times. I don’t get it either. Anyways lets get back to you losing your job at Subway. You talked back to a customer who didn’t appreciate your deli meat artistry and now you are on the streets. Well you are in luck because I am here to tell you how to not only survive but thrive as a homeless person. First I hope you remembered to rob the place blind on your way out of the joint. That means stuffing your pockets with salami and red onions to get you through the first 72 hours as a Hobo. If not, use the few bucks you have left and go down to the Dollar Tree and stock up on Fiddle Faddle. It’s the only snack that makes you feel like you are always at a party. Next you are gonna want to get a membership to a 24 hour Gym. “Say What? Why do I care about how firm my glutes are when I am homeless?” Listen, it is not to impress the toothless yokel down at the shit creek. This is your new homeless home. A 24 hour gym is a great place if you got no wheres to go. It never closes. You have a locker, a shower, a toilet, and a sink. All the things you need to make you look like a Number One Stunner. A Number One Hobo Stunner. Plus you get to watch cable tv! Catch yourself up on some classic Reba episodes! Sweet Mama J! And think about it, when you are at the gym half of the people are just standing around talking to one another. No one will know this is your crib. Where you lay your feather hat. All you have to do is get some scratch to pay your monthly fees. No prob. You got the best hygiene and looks that could be found under any bridge. I’m sure you can beg up 20 bucks a month sexy! Shake that sweat pant money maker down at the hot Stop Light Spot of your choice.
Now, now I know what you’re thinking… a man still has to eat right? Or wait you could be woman. If a woman can be a boss in this day and age then she can also be a homeless. No prob he or she. What you want to do is find out where the nearest Old Country Buffet in town is. But hold up, you are not going through the front door Sparky Johnson. You are going down the dark alley around to the back by the dumpsters. Tada! I just introduced you to the finest in Dumpster Dining. Pull up a milk crate because you are about to eat like a king. If a king considered Tuna Casserole and Beef a Roni the top of the food chain. Oh and also he lived in Cicero. And he was bat shit crazy. Or she. Or she. You see with Buffets no matter how much fat fucks try to test the “all you can eat” slogan, there is still going to be trays upon trays of food to throw out at the end of the day. And who better to reap the benefits than your fired at Subway Sandwich Artist ass. So lets wrap this all up in a nice police caution ribbon for you. Take a look at yourself. You are clean, well fed, well biceped, and caught up on all episodes of Reba. Sounds like you are doing better than when you had a home and job. Am I right? High Five! And it looks like that Sweet Tail in the Mossimo yoga pants is looking your way. Who knows…Dumpster Dining for two sir? Let’s pull up an extra milk crate. Bamm!