Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?


(High School picture of me letting everybody know what a real man looks like)

Men are so sensitive these days. Talking about their emotions and feelings. Openly sharing about their sadness and anxiety.  Guys are crying in movies. What is going on?  What happened to real men? Where did they go? I can’t seem to find them. Like my dad. Now that was a man. He only had one eye. I’m serious. His left eye was made of glass. He lost it in the war.  Or it fell out in the backyard.  I don’t know the backstory okay?  But saying you lost it in the war sounds pretty cool. My dad’s eyelid would stay shut until noon each day before it slowly rose up like a sunrise. It was quite fun for me to watch on a Sunday brunch over French Toast.  And guess what?  In all my life he never told anyone he was missing an eye.  Not me, not the mailman, not even a doctor.  He just went on with his day like a two eyed man would! Sure everyone knew he had a glass eye because he crashed his car into our neighbor’s tree three times and the left side of his face was always unshaven, but no one said nothing and neither did he. He even had a chance to tell me he had a fake eye when he was on his death bed but he didn’t. The only confession he revealed to me on those last days was this…

He called me over to his rocking chair late that night, had me lean down real close, and whispered… you know, that Everybody Loves Raymond is a pretty good show.  Not, Ryan I have been living with a deep secret my whole life. I have the same eye as a Montgomery Ward’s mannequin. No. He just wanted me to know that the family dynamic between Raymond and his mother gave him a tickle. Now that’s a man! Keep that deep shit inside you until your last dying day!  That would never happen today.  If a man lost their eye they probably would say I need a “One Eye Guy” Facebook support group to help cope with my condition. Or I need a documentary made to find out where my eye went. Think it went missing in 63. A nun took it while I was sleeping. Someone help me find my lost eye. Get a detective and a weird cousin to find it! Guys let’s start being men again! Grow a pair you sad sack of saps! My dad didn’t have a pair…of eyes that is. But that didn’t stop him from being a mediocre car salesman! Guys follow your dreams! Thats all I’m really trying to say here. Follow your dreams.

Rocking Chair – After you get over your beanbag stage, slide into this chair that makes you feel like your going places.

Everybody Loves Raymond – Dad you were right.  That shit holds up.  Your wisdom always helped guide me to the failure I am today.

Montgomery Ward’s – JcPenny’s younger sister that was laid out to pasture and put down with a shotgun.


Sugar, Your Blood Sugar’s Going Down

Guys let me tell you a little about myself, I have 3 cats and Diabetes. Whenever I tell anyone that they always say You have three cats? Wow that’s brutal. I have Type 1 Diabetes. There is also a Type 2 diabetes. Lot of people ask me well whats the difference? And I say go fuck yourself. How about that? There is a big difference. Type 1 Diabetes is like Professional Football. Type 2 Diabetes is like Fantasy Football, you think you’re on a team but you’re not. Because your disease is not real. You created it, just like your Deez Nutz In Yo Mouth fantasy team.
You see you get Type 2 Diabetes by eating reckless and smoking Swisher Sweets. Type 1 diabetes you do not get, it is given to you, because it is genetic. It is passed down from your grandparents because it skips a generation. I think it was done this way so your parents don’t feel the guilt at breakfast everyday while they eat donuts and your left to munch on a half banana and melba toast. Don’t look at me that way, son, Grandpa did this. Now pass me another Chocolate Glazed Munchkin.
That’s why the Type 1’s Diabetics hate the type 2s. We have no sympathy for them. You did this to yourself! People tell me stories all the time when I say I have Diabetes. Oh my Mom has that, she lost her foot from Diabetes. Oh, type 1 or type 2? Type 2. Well fuck her then. Lazy bitch. Diabetes didn’t take her foot. Popeyes did. Pizza Hut did. A Meat Lovers Supreme ran off with yo Momma’s foot.

The worst part about it all, is there are way more Type 2 Diabetics out there so they get all the attention. Type 1’s never get the respect we so sadly need and deserve. Everyone just cares about them – it’s not fair. Like can you imagine if there were two different types of Aids out there that you had to compete with?

You got Aids! Sorry to hear that. You got the Type 1 Aids or the Type 2 Aids? The good Aids or the bad Aids? The one you can get rid of? Think Magic Johnson had the good Aids, the Type 2. He is the only person ever to gain weight after getting Aids. He put on 30 pounds, opened 20 movie theaters, got rosy cheeks. Momma is that Aids? That can’t be right. Looks like he got a promotion at work not Aids. “No honey its type 2 Aids.” Oh type 2 Aids I see. The good one. The good Aids. His wife Cookie is one lucky woman.

Swisher Sweets – After drinking jungle juice out of a dirty bathtub at a stranger’s house party, finish your self off with this gas station dinner mint.

Melba Toast – If this is toast then why did my tooth fall out when I tried to bite into it.

Chocolate Glazed MunchkinsCan I just like, have a bite of a donut, like I don’t want a whole donut, but like a bite, I’m on a diet.  Oh, Munchkins!  Perfect!  I will take 27 of those.  Also, I’m pretty sure this is a slight against little people.

Meat Lovers SupremeI’m more animal than man.  I like to climb mountains, fight bears with my bare hands, wash my clothes in a river, sleep under the moonlight with only nearby leaves as a blanket.  Now, tell me Pizza Hut, what can I eat that will satisfy my deep hunger and obvious homelessness.  And can I pay you in ants?

Magic Johnson – Boy, oh boy did he have moves on the court!  And man, oh man did he have moves in the bedroom.  And jeez, oh jeez did he have moves in his immune system.

Good Will Hunting (Final Review)

I just watched Good Will Hunting over the Thanksgiving weekend and wow! You seen that movie? What a doozie! He’s like a math wizard janitor guy. It’s a classic, you people should go out and see it sometime. Also go check out Star Wars! That turned out to be pretty good too. But some of that movie doesn’t make since to me. Like the famous speech that Ben Affleck says to Matt Damon
You know what the best part of my day is? About 10 seconds before I pull up to your curb, and when I go to your door. Cause I think maybe I’ll get up there, and I’ll knock on the door, and you won’t be there. No “good-bye.” No “see ya later.” No nothing. You just left. I don’t know much, but I know that.
Wait what the fuck are you talking about? Really, I can barely understand your words. I think you need a speech coach. You are saying that the best part of your day is swinging by your best friends house to hang out and he is not there? Thats your best friend bro! You wish he has left you? You are a dead beat doing nothing with your life and all you have are the good times with your Matt Damon bud. What are you talking about? Hope he has left town…well then he should take you with him. Thats what a good friend would do. He would be the ultimate dick if he never said goodbye or left a post it bye bye note. Maybe he’s not your best friend after all Mr. Damon, you need to think over this fella.

Actually that whole crew is a bunch of assholes. Beating up kids in the school yard, interrupting a nice ponytail man while he is trying to hit on a girl at a bar. And that wasn’t enough because you follow him to Baskin Robbins and knock on the window while he is crying in his Butter Pecan Sundae and say ya got the girl’s number. What a bunch of dicks! And Ben Affleck’s brother is jerking off in a catcher’s mitt. What is going on here?!?!? These are the people we are supposed to be rooting for? They are a bunch of out of control hooligans?

And so what, this Matt Damon is good at Math, Whoopie doo dah! That’s like me saying I’m really good at Jenga. That aint getting you nothing or impressing anyone. Math is boring. I hate it and suck at it. Why is it so hard! And why did I even have to take algebra in high school? It doesn’t make sense. Who decided this was a mandatory class? Listen I barely passed basic math, adding and subtracting, now we are gonna start throwing letters in there with little numbers hanging off them? What the fuck is that? Algebra looks like the future and it still scares me. Oh you will use algebra later in life they say. No I won’t, because I havent. And even when I have to do math now I can pull out my phone and have him do it. So you are wrong…every high school ever. My girlfriend doesn’t even know how to add a tip to the total at a restaurant and she is a high school teacher folks. She sits there dumbfounded and doesn’t know how to carry the one over. And I am the one with no job.