Dunkin HoNuts

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I have enjoyed drinking coffee at Dunkin Donuts for the last 20 years.  I still think for just pure coffee sake, it is the best you can get.  But, I will also say that my experience inside Dunkin Donuts has been some of the worst in my life.  You see Dunkin Donuts slogan is “America Runs On Dunkin.”  That’s probably because if you ever sit down inside a Dunkin Donuts you will want to run…for your life.

No matter what Dunkin Donuts I have gone in, the people inside are insane.  There is always one old man sitting by the window talking to himself, a couple of high schools dropouts looking like they are selling drugs, and a homeless man sleeping in his own drool.  Just the other day while I was writing at DD, a man came in with a little shopping cart, sat down and started eating Chips Ahoy cookies.  WTF?  Then he got up, tapped me on the shoulder and offered me one.  As if, perhaps he was being rude by eating food brought from home in front of me.  Thanks person I never met before, but no thanks.  My mom always taught me to never take candy from strangers, especially from strangers who store loose cookies in tiny shopping carts.  But maybe I’m just an asshole…and a diabetic, so get out of here.

All the employees working at Dunkin are out of their minds too. They are real hood.  And don’t care who knows it.  They all have on their head walkie talkies for the drive-thru and in between taking orders they are yelling about their fucked up lives.  Below is a real transcript taken from a Dunkin Donuts in the heart of Chicago…

Well, Bobby didn’t come home last night until 11:30.  And I know he gets off his UPS shift at 10.  He showed up with alcohol on his breath, smelling like Curves cologne.  He only wears that Curves when he with some ho!

Huh? who dis screaming in my ear, hold up a second?!!?!?  Three cream and no’s sugar? Ok I will mess that up fo sure!  You want an Omwich with that? It’s like a breakfast sandwich but we don’t know how to make it or what dat is.

And so Bobby keep sayin the baby isn’t his. Well who’s baby is it then? You the only one I be fucking!  I told him to get condoms but he spent his money on that new Xbox game instead. He better be here when the baby comes or I will rip his dick off and stuff it in his…

Why hello, would you like our new Fa la la latte?  It’s made with hot Dean’s milk that has been sitting on top of our toaster oven all day so its nice n’ foamy and filled with bacteria.  Or maybe you’d like a hash brown that is more of a hash gray?  Okay please drive round.

Speaking of bacteria, my pink eye has gotten way worse Brenda. I can barely see the smoke outta my Parliaments. I tried to get into the minute clinic but dats some bullshit cause its sure don’t take no minute I had to wait…

Wait, wait a damn minute!  What you say?!??!  Oh I was still on speaker sorry, so thats a large Dunkachino, 6 munchkins and a boston creams.

Brenda get your ass over here and make dis order!  I got to go feed Darryl in the car and put him to sleep.  Brenda!  Brenda!

Curves – cologne for the community college dropout in you

Omwich – more like Ommm which end of my body is this gonna explode out of me in the next 20 minutes

Dean’s Milk – goes great with Velveeta Shells n’ Cheese and a hot date

Parliaments – the cigarette with the recessed filter that stays tucked in the side of your mouth as you cradle your baby and finish eating your Star Crunch.

Dunkachino – Dick Vitale’s drink of choice – It’s awesome baby.  A slam bam hunker dam  Dunkarino!  Woah baby, a slam wham jam to my tastebuds!  How have I not had a heart attack already baby!

Munchkins – so this is an okay word to say still.  Hmmm seems like it shouldn’t be but okay.  Maybe midgetkins would be more polite.

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I think some of this social media stuff is getting ridiculous. I know I am telling you about this through social media, but hear me out. Nowadays everyone is important and has a say about something. Gross. It is not right. There are people out there who shouldn’t have a say. Why??? Because they are crazy, uneducated, inbred, or not right in the head. They should not be allowed to have a say or access to these sites. There should be at least a test or a few questions that a person must go through before they have a say. Something simple like this – Are you racist? Did you sleep with your sister? And if the answer to either of those is yes then you don’t get to tell me your feelings on the new Waffle Cone Blizzard at Dairy Queen or how many “tomatoes” you gave Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2. I have applied for shitty jobs at Walmart, Caribou Coffee, Rock Bottom etc. and they all had me take an assessment test. An assessment test is around 70 questions that you answer, so they can see if you if you are a good person or not. I never got a phone call back from one of these establishments. They pretty much thought I was a piece of shit scumbag. So basically, what our society is saying is any hillbilly, sex offender, and pedophile can cyberbully you or say your restaurant sucks all over the internet, but you have to prove your a man of value and honor to make minimum wage, wear a blue vest, and stock pears on a shelf? Doesn’t sound like we got our priorities straight. I can sleep well tonight knowing the man who sold me Diet Mountain Lightning soda is not going to be struck down by lightning for prior mistakes. Makes the soda that much more artifically sweet going down.

It’s everything and everyone nowadays. Share your experience with anything you do! Guess what folks most of the things you do are not that important and actually pretty boring. We don’t need to hear about it. Now even fast food places like Dunkin Donuts and KFC are asking us to tell our story! How did you eat and drink that partner! Tell us about your dunkin adventure!  Um…I’m sitting in a strip mall parking lot, in front of a Dress Barn, with a box of munchkins between my thighs, drinking a Dunkaccino out of a Styrofoam cup. Is that something I should share with you? You want that story? I mean who even serves drinks in styrofoam cups anymore. That is the biggest fuck you to recycling. The only other times I am drinking coffee from a styrofoam cup is at an AA meeting or VFW Hall. You want to hear those stories too? They are just as glamourous. You want a real fun story walk into a Dunkin Donuts and eat there. As soon as you open the door a bell goes off signaling hi, I have given up. Good luck ordering cause English is a second, third, and sometimes fourth language there and it’s more broken than your parents’ marriage. They dont even listen to you when you order. They just wait for a pause and then say cream and sugar. “Can I get a chocolate glaze donut.” “Cream and sugar?” “No a donut.” “Cream and sugar? “”A chocolate glaze donut, I am pointing at!” “CREAM AND SUGAR? “”Yes why dont you pour cream and sugar on it, throw it in a bag, and punch me in the face with it. Because that is how I am gonna feel after I eat this.” And do me a favor folks, sit down and enjoy the ambiance of the Double D. You got the pair of goth teenagers cutting class and themselves with the complimentary plastic knives, the homeless man who snuck in so he could talk to himself and play checkers with the sweet n low, and don’t forget about the old crazy military vet who is always there making weird noises with his throat and giving you the death stare. Is this the story you want me to blast all over the internet Dunkin Donuts?