Dunkin HoNuts

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I have enjoyed drinking coffee at Dunkin Donuts for the last 20 years.  I still think for just pure coffee sake, it is the best you can get.  But, I will also say that my experience inside Dunkin Donuts has been some of the worst in my life.  You see Dunkin Donuts slogan is “America Runs On Dunkin.”  That’s probably because if you ever sit down inside a Dunkin Donuts you will want to run…for your life.

No matter what Dunkin Donuts I have gone in, the people inside are insane.  There is always one old man sitting by the window talking to himself, a couple of high schools dropouts looking like they are selling drugs, and a homeless man sleeping in his own drool.  Just the other day while I was writing at DD, a man came in with a little shopping cart, sat down and started eating Chips Ahoy cookies.  WTF?  Then he got up, tapped me on the shoulder and offered me one.  As if, perhaps he was being rude by eating food brought from home in front of me.  Thanks person I never met before, but no thanks.  My mom always taught me to never take candy from strangers, especially from strangers who store loose cookies in tiny shopping carts.  But maybe I’m just an asshole…and a diabetic, so get out of here.

All the employees working at Dunkin are out of their minds too. They are real hood.  And don’t care who knows it.  They all have on their head walkie talkies for the drive-thru and in between taking orders they are yelling about their fucked up lives.  Below is a real transcript taken from a Dunkin Donuts in the heart of Chicago…

Well, Bobby didn’t come home last night until 11:30.  And I know he gets off his UPS shift at 10.  He showed up with alcohol on his breath, smelling like Curves cologne.  He only wears that Curves when he with some ho!

Huh? who dis screaming in my ear, hold up a second?!!?!?  Three cream and no’s sugar? Ok I will mess that up fo sure!  You want an Omwich with that? It’s like a breakfast sandwich but we don’t know how to make it or what dat is.

And so Bobby keep sayin the baby isn’t his. Well who’s baby is it then? You the only one I be fucking!  I told him to get condoms but he spent his money on that new Xbox game instead. He better be here when the baby comes or I will rip his dick off and stuff it in his…

Why hello, would you like our new Fa la la latte?  It’s made with hot Dean’s milk that has been sitting on top of our toaster oven all day so its nice n’ foamy and filled with bacteria.  Or maybe you’d like a hash brown that is more of a hash gray?  Okay please drive round.

Speaking of bacteria, my pink eye has gotten way worse Brenda. I can barely see the smoke outta my Parliaments. I tried to get into the minute clinic but dats some bullshit cause its sure don’t take no minute I had to wait…

Wait, wait a damn minute!  What you say?!??!  Oh I was still on speaker sorry, so thats a large Dunkachino, 6 munchkins and a boston creams.

Brenda get your ass over here and make dis order!  I got to go feed Darryl in the car and put him to sleep.  Brenda!  Brenda!

Curves – cologne for the community college dropout in you

Omwich – more like Ommm which end of my body is this gonna explode out of me in the next 20 minutes

Dean’s Milk – goes great with Velveeta Shells n’ Cheese and a hot date

Parliaments – the cigarette with the recessed filter that stays tucked in the side of your mouth as you cradle your baby and finish eating your Star Crunch.

Dunkachino – Dick Vitale’s drink of choice – It’s awesome baby.  A slam bam hunker dam  Dunkarino!  Woah baby, a slam wham jam to my tastebuds!  How have I not had a heart attack already baby!

Munchkins – so this is an okay word to say still.  Hmmm seems like it shouldn’t be but okay.  Maybe midgetkins would be more polite.

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Protest Your Best March

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I saw the Women’s March over the weekend. And you know what, well done. Everything has changed now. Everyone has listened to your shouts, read your signs, and seen how you shut down the city of Chicago. Now women have equal pay, respect, and are presidents of large corporations. Wait, none of that happened. Everything is the same. Of course it is! Protests and marches never do anything. Nothing ever changes! The only thing that has a chance of happening is someone getting hurt. That is the only thing, and it almost always happens. Nothing came out of the Black Lives Matter march either. Shit is still the same. It’s a waste of time and energy.  The only way to get your demands met is by kidnapping or taking hostages. That’s when people straighten up and give in to what you want. You have to let them know you mean business and you ain’t messing around.  So next time you want to protest or make a difference, grab a little boy with blue eyes and toss him in the trunk of your Buick Regal and start making some requests! People will listen and have more compassion, especially if it’s an adorable kid.  I suggest an asian boy. They are usually pretty cute and have great hair.  Then you just sit back and wait as people one by one give in to what ever you want.   You will be surprised at how effective it is.  Not that I have ever done that…

Now for the Women’s March, here is what you do.  On your Women’s March lunch break, go to Five guys, Papa John’s, Jersey Mikes, Al’s Beef, or Uncle Julio’s (all men named restaurants, bastards!) and grab a manager. By the way isn’t it sexist that the first part of the word is man? MAN-AGER. Ain’t that some shit! So grab that man-ager and duct tape him up to a chair, stick a scrunchie in his mouth and start demanding some shit! I want a thermos fulll of Goldschlager, a football helmet stuffed with hot cheetos, an autographed copy of Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl, and a woman-ager in every Jimmy John’s in the country! This restaurant is so sexist that it has two men in their title!   What you couldn’t have a Jimmy Jane’s?  And as if that wasn’t enough, you got a sandwich called “Turkey Tom”. WOW. I don’t see no “Ham on Rye Julie” or a “Beach Club Betty” on the menu! No! Apparently there is no room for women between two slices of bread! So until our demands are met, Red visor Jeff stays strapped to the chair, crying for his mommy. Isn’t it weird they always cry for their momma when they got nothing left? Never daddy.  Always mommy! Think about it!
So let’s recap. Marchers, stop wasting your time going down to Michaels (Goddammit, another man named store) getting post-boards and magic markers. Stop trying to think of clever words, rhymes, or glitter to put on your signs and start kidnapping and taking hostages to get your movement going! Just remember it was me, Ryan Andrews that gave you this great idea. And remember I am a man and thought of this first, because men are smarter than women. Now go on get!!!!!!!

*all ideas and opinions expressed in this blog are complete nonsense and should not be taken seriously.  Ryan has two chronic diseases and talks out loud to his cats.  He is mentally unstable and still thinks Ryan Cabrera’s “On the Way Down” is the greatest song ever made.  This blog is proof that not everyone should have a say.  

Duct Tape –  Is there anything this tape can’t fix?  Oh right, my two autoimmune diseases.  But maybe we just haven’t tried it????  I’m just saying…

Scrunchie – what I loved more than the classy look, was that girls never washed them.       Re-marketed today as the Nuva Ring

Goldschlager – a sweet cinnamon schnapps created in Switzerland.  And I thought we were the only ones that hid our money over there.  Best served in a Red Solo Cup

Gone Girl – a novel that paved the way for every mystery book to have the word girl in it.  Its a modern day classic.  Right up there with the Great Gatsby and Breakfast at Tiffanys.  I sleep with a copy under my pillow at night.

Jimmy John’s – subs so fast…that they don’t taste good.  And can I please not have my sandwich delivered in a Jansport backpack by a teenager on a Huffy?

 

Will the Real Billy Michellan Please Stand Up?

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The first girlfriend I lived with was the one that got away. No Im kidding.  But we moved in together and signed a 15 month lease because we were in love. And by that I mean I couldn’t afford a place on my own so I said yeah sure, I love you baby. 15 months is a commitment. Some would say a sentence. But I was trying to do the broke, I mean right thing.  Sure I liked her, But I also liked the band Korn for awhile, so what does that say?

So the week after moving in with my girlfriend I celebrated by making out with another girl in a sports bar parking lot at 3am.  The place was called Sluggers and every Wednesday they had 4 dollar You Call Its. You call its is a nice way of saying bad shit is going to happen. It is just a matter of time. There has never been a good story that has come out of You Call It nights. Its not like someone has a couple glasses of wine and reads a book. No it is sloppy. Women are crying, men are yelling. There is toilet paper and broken glass all over the floors. Vomit in the bathroom sinks. Everything is wet.  Half the people are going home to a DUI.  I dont know why bars even have them.

Now there was a girl that I was working with at the time named Michelle and we would flirt and joke with each other from time to time. Just your normal run of the mill flirtation where, if we were ever out drinking together something might happen.  And if it was on You Call Its night then it’s guaranteed to happen.
So fast forward past that night past all the drunk fun. It’s 3am and we are making out and coping a feel back and forth when she says “oh my god, I cant be with my boyfriend anymore! I just cant be. I know now I was meant to be with you.” Woah, listen, Jagermeister is a demon and it has taken over your body and mind right now. Lets give in to her wants and needs now and we can get Caribou coffee and talk about the rest of our lives together tomorrow. So she game me her number and I put it in my phone; but I just couldn’t put Michelle in my phone because if she called or text my girlfriend might see and beat me with a broom. So I put in her name as Billy Michellan. That way my girlfriend would never know…
The next day turns around and I forget it was Saturday and I was going to the mall with my girlfriend. So around 1pm my phone starts blowing up and Billy Michellan is leaving all these voice mails saying “Where are you? I’m at Caribou Coffee right now sitting by the camp fire waiting for you!” I was getting nervous and my girlfriend saw my phone and asked “who is Billy Michellan? And why does he keep calling you?” Oh that is just a guy I work with…he left his hat in my car last night.  Now lets go to Sam Goody and get the new Limp Bizkit cd.  I heard it is rad.  “Wait why would a guy be calling you over and over about a hat?” Well it was a special hat, his Dad left it to him when He died.  It’s a trucker hat that says Kiss my Bass on it.He doesn’t like…to be without it. I was visibly sweating out Jager and probably Billy Michellan’s perfume and she just stared at me like she could see through the lies.  I couldn’t handle it anymore and I broke…
Okay, okay you got me alright!  It was 4 dollar you call its at Sluggers last night and they had chilled Jagermeiser. Chilled! And the jukebox kept playing Lifehouse– Hanging by a Moment and Billy Michellan, I mean Michelle kept touching my arm, but not like hey have you seen where Jeff went. But more like…we should get naked.  And then Billy Michellan and I went back to her Geo Tracker and my tongue fell into her throat, I dont know how. But it fell in…like a little boy in a well and couldn’t get out, for 20 minutes. It was stuck down there. Next thing I know I am looking up to see when Lifehouse might be coming to town and planning a trip to the Renaissance Fair with Billy Michellan and…I dont know why Sluggers would do that! 4 dollar you call its. How dare they!  Thats not right, it’s their fault and I think you should be mad at them and ask why they would do that to me.
So the next week I moved back in with my mom and never saw Billy Michellan, I mean Michelle, or that girlfriend again. But on the plus side, the next month I saw an intimate Lifehouse acoustic set at Walter Payton’s Roundhouse in Aurora.  So there is always that.

Korn – that Nu-Metal band you listen to while doing 5 pound dumbbell curls in your Lyons, Illinois apartment.

Sluggers – a neighborhood bar that specializes in getting you your first DUI and first STD

Coping a Feel – In the 80’s this is what sexual harassment was known as

Caribou Coffee – I like what you did in here.  Log cabin, fireplace, antlers, Josh Groban on a loop.  I could really lay down my hat for awhile in a place like this.  What’s that?  You went bankrupt?  Hmmm wow I am shocked.

Limp Bizkit – still holds up

Lifehouse – your Korn hangover leads you to this